#and he's like ''ooh the perfect power couple has problems huh
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YESSS LET'S GO WILD! >w< At some point TC says he can't find his newest Star x WJ fic and Star is so done and then is even more done when he sees Warp taped it to the door of Star's room. Star just dies inside as Warp and WJ are wheezing and TC is scolding them 'cuz tape damages paper ffs!
@curious-sootball @sztefa001
the idea that he ARRESTS him for it
no, but !! omg! what if its wheeljack's really elaborate descriptions (sometimes scribbles too) of how he oh so elegantly got kicked in the face during their latest fight - "and he has that neat thing where his canines show when he's in the middle of stabbing you" - then a whole paragraph about his legs and how they're very flexible and agile and in the tiniest script, on the bottom of the page, VERY very lightly scribbled "his legs are so feminine .. so its totally not gay for me to find them attractive .. i am definitely still straight"
#but also#this implies that angst that happens later is even sadder#imagine#at some point WJ gets saved (or escapes when Megs shows up and wants to kill him and put the brothers in their places)#then the war goes on and during battles WJ often jokes with Warp or asks TC how the writing's going if he has a chance#they rarely manage to see each other yet alone give a comment or two#eventually they stop showing up at all#and Star becomes worse#suddenly he gets angry much more often lashes out and his tolerance for bullshit is nonexistent#WJ mentioning Warp or TC basically means cranking up the fight level 'cuz Star gets more violent#WJ has no idea wtf#only when he infiltrates the base (and ofc checks out Star's room) and sees their pics with black ribbons in corners he realizes they died#OR angstier version:#he overhears Star and Megs talking#and he's like ''ooh the perfect power couple has problems huh? :3c''#but then Megs says sth mentioning Warp and TC which gets Star even angrier#and he says sth along the lines of ''don't speak ill of the deceased. and don't speak about my brothers AT ALL''#and idk maybe he slaps Megs and Megs hits him or sth - the small fight is short and they go opposite ways#and WJ is like holy shit it's so much worse than I thought 0.0'#sztefu talks in tags#transformers ideas#humanformers#wall of tags
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The Owl House Starters
Change as needed
“No! My only weakness! Dying!”
“That doesn’t count, right?”
“Do you have any friends? Real ones?”
“Tiny trash thief!”
“Oops, that happens sometimes.”
“I’m a squirmy little fella.”
“I like food, I like love, just let me write about it!”
“Oh, he gets so cute when he’s thirsty for power.”
“I’ve never actually broken any of your stupid laws… in front of you.”
“I hate everything you’re saying right now.”
“We’d be the strongest power couple ever.”
“Self-doubt is a prison you can never escape from.”
“Anyways, let’s bounce before any more monsters fall in love with me.”
“I am not your cutie pie!”
“No one wants an un-oiled snake.”
“Remember, never befriend a man in sandals and always measure twice, cut once.”
“Be back by nightfall or risk mortal peril!”
“I know I’ve had enough delight for one day.”
“Sorry to break it to you, ___, but no one here is that well-dressed.”
“This has been a rough day.”
“Big houses always belong to big whack jobs.”
“Today just got good.”
“Wizards are just old people with glitter in their pockets.”
“Anyways, your food is gone and we are too.”
“Never trust a man in casual drapery.”
“All that mean-spirited laughter made me sleepy.”
“I don’t like this. I really don’t like this.”
“All your food was so tiny and cute.”
“If you can think of a better plan I’d love to hear it.”
“Betrayed by my own cool accessories.”
“I didn’t have to be part of this!”
“I… don’t like this.”
“I think I’ll head home and look at pictures of animals that are still… alive.”
“Wow, you’re so unnoticeable I almost rolled into you.”
“It’s okay, the thorns only went through a few layers of skin.”
“Alright, into the darkness you go.”
“Oh my god, I haven’t eaten real food in so long please give me some.”
“You can’t just cut open a human, can you?”
“Keeping junk in my pocket saved my life!”
“Ahh, baby’s first wanted poster.”
“Even demons have inner demons.”
“This is my paying attention face.”
“Look, now we’re boo boo buddies.”
“It’s like a rainbow, but looking at it turns you inside out.”
“I respect your cunning but I also hate you for it.”
“Oh, gross. Can I keep that?”
“This is terrifying, so why do you look so happy?”
“Oh no, a twist!”
“I’m kind of over that nickname, but okay.”
“Oh, what lovely thing do we have here? It’s just so dang shiny, oh my.”
“And look, I drew flip book.”
“I will literally do anything to stop this.”
“If I’m seen, I could go to jail… again.”
“Alright, let’s see this mess.”
“That’s probably fine.”
“Time to prepare for bloodshed.”
“Welcome down to my level!”
“I know I should be repulsed but that look is fierce.”
“I’m gonna steal everything that’s not nailed down!”
“I was up all night poison tasting and, for some reason, I don’t feel great.”
“I need an extra pair of eyes looking out for pickpockets. And an extra pair of hands in case I want to pickpocket.”
“I got leaves in my pants. And I like it.”
“I was a strange child.”
“You think this can stop me? I can still bite your ankles.”
“If you’re gonna eat me, just do it now!”
“___, you’re getting all swoony again.”
“Rivals are meant to be annihilated, not befriended.”
“Witches eating babies is so 1693.”
“Ugh, you.”
“I thought we were as cool as cucumbers but we’re as sour as pickles.”
“Whoa, I almost passed out.”
“It’s been hours, how can it keep screaming!?”
“Say that again and I steal your tongue.”
“Keep going, this is fun to watch.”
“Isn’t that taking it a bit too far?”
“Just go away before things somehow get worse!”
“This never happened.”
“And who doesn’t like their name in lights?”
“That’s the incorrect reaction!”
“I smell an easy mark.”
“Well, I hate her.”
“It’s like demonic possession with the ones you love.”
“This is just like my favorite early 2000’s movie!”
“I’m so old… and pointy.”
“I’ve got some very confusing emotions right now.”
“My life’s not a joke! But yours is!”
“Novelty costumes are where I draw the line.”
“I am not above disrespecting my elders.”
“This vacation just took an alarming, back-alley turn.”
“Geez, I thought I’d like being babied. But I feel small and helpless, like some sort of baby.”
“Hey, take this, society!”
“I didn’t like her telling me what to do before, but now I love it!”
“Let’s go let out some teen angst!”
“This is how the cool kids ride. Super backwards, on purpose.”
“Your life is pretty terrible. But, hey, it’ll probably be over soon.”
“This is some of my best work, really captures the shame.”
“That’s sweet, kid. Now let’s never speak of this again.”
“Show, don’t tell, man.”
“Oh, look what you did. I’m gonna go rub it in.”
“That seems like a potential problem to me.”
“You being the razzle, I’ll bring the dazzle.”
“Do you always have confetti on you or—?”
“You’re just gonna be unhelpful, huh?”
“Okay, time to run for no particular reason!”
“Oof, I’ve had this nightmare before.”
“Like I’d actually apologize.”
“I want power, and I want drama.”
“Are you ready to give up?”
“I was afraid, I acted stupid.”
“I just wish you told me the truth.”
“You know, it didn’t taste as bad as I thought I would.”
“Impressive, still alive.”
“This is a throne worthy of a tyrant!”
“No, no, keep those sticky hands away.”
“No one wants to see that.”
“Since when are you into sports?”
“Gross, sympathy.”
“Don’t spend all night plotting revenge.”
“Oh, this is an interesting development.”
“I’ll take that weird grumble as a yes.”
“I’m feeling confident about this plan.”
“Trust must be earned.”
“If you run, you’ll just make it harder for yourself!”
“Your pride has destroyed you.”
“So tiny, so angry.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be clean again.”
“If you ever want to search for the truth, I’ll help you.”
“Aww, that’s a horrible lie.”
“Partake of my free snack samples!”
“Why isn’t anyone paying attention to me?”
“A, eww. B, I’m bored. C, I feel like pickpocketing some dork while they browse.”
“I know my good angle.”
“Ugh, what are the basement dwellers doing out in natural sunlight?’
“Hey, there’s more to life than shipping.”
“___, I know you’re trying to help, but I think you’re crossing a line.”
“Ooh, I love punching.”
“You’re ominous, and I like it.”
“And of course you would be here just to be a nuisance.”
“I wanted to compare sunglasses.”
“Fame can really box you in, you know?”
“Besides, if anyone’s putting you down it’s gonna be me.”
“If it’s disappointing in any way I’ll spend the rest of my life trashing it.”
“He scammed us. Can you believe he scammed us?”
“Good entrance. But that outfit? Hah!”
“I’ve got a new crush and her name is education!”
“Ahh, fresh garbage.”
“I have never seen such an extravagant earring.”
“Wow, a surprisingly peaceful domestic moment. When will it be ruined?”
“Weaponizing my pride, well played.”
“Sorry, whoever’s over there!”
“Well, go on. Eat the snow.”
“Huh, it’s no fun if they don’t tremble.”
“Oh, okay, alright. Yup, an idea’s happening.”
“Shh! I don’t need your validation!”
“Get back here before that thing bites you!”
“No, we’re gonna die.”
“Cool. I didn’t actually think you could do it.”
“It’s not a secret.”
“Alright, your adorable banter is literally making me sick.”
“Believe it or not, I’ve seen worse.”
“Aww. I won’t be doing that, but thanks.”
“Quitting: it’s like trying, but easier.”
“You humans are filled with liquids, right?”
“I guess I have always liked pouring things into other things.”
“Time to scrounge through the trash.”
“I ain’t no desk jockey.”
“You don’t know diddly dang about squiddly squat!”
“I love secret rooms!”
“You have an aura of lies.”
“Also, you can eat trash.”
“Do the right thing, you dingus!”
“It just goes on like this for an hour.”
“Carnivals bring crowds and crowds bring suckers.”
“We’ve got scams to run.”
“I know poison when I see it.”
“You can’t scam a scammer.”
“You should really put a lock on your closet.”
“I love crimes!”
“Now this is my kind of weird.”
“That’s way safer than becoming blood brothers.”
“Beat up the man and steal his things for me.”
“This mama is ready for trauma.”
“All right. Approval!”
“Curse these stubby legs!”
“Sketchy carnival rides are not to blame this time.”
“___, you’re lucky I can’t be mad at your adorable antics.”
“Just when I thought I couldn’t respect the law any less…”
“Aww, what a supportive sign.”
“Yep, I just counted to one million.”
“Looks like we ruined his life for a second time.”
“I’ve always wanted to own a jagged piece of cheap metal.”
“Yes! Bread puns, bread puns forever!”
“Now I know what friendship tastes like.”
“I think today is a talons day.”
“It’s fun because it’s stupid.”
“I’ll admit, I was adorable.”
“Be careful with my brain.”
“Wouldn’t you rather talk about it?”
“That’s my motto after all, ‘Out of sight, out of mind.’”
“No schemes, no plots, no ruses. None.”
“I can’t believe I made him cry.”
“Are you solving a crime or about to commit one?”
“Sadly this is one problem crime can’t solve.”
“I’m supposed to choose someone interesting, accomplished, and noteworthy. People aren’t meant to be all those things!”
“Yup, her brain’s burned up real good.”
“Be still my fantasy-loving heart.”
“I’m pretty good at getting stuck inside people’s heads.”
“Hey, I found something magical.”
“I’ma put my face in it.”
“It’s like a little doghouse for angels.”
“If you’re handing out attention, I deserve it.”
“Eww, I mean, aww.”
“I really messed things up.”
“It’s eggs, it’s full of eggs.”
“No one turns down an interview with someone this pretty.”
“Me? Avoid? What? No. But let’s skip it.”
“There’s levels to me, kid. Levels I say!”
“Oh, right, I put people in there.”
“I’m gonna hug you so hard you’ll never forget me again!”
“I regret teaching you about the internet.”
“Ah, a severed hand. Perfect response.”
“Hmm, the demon at my shoulder makes a good point.”
“Always trust a shoulder demon.”
“The more I look at him, the more uncomfortable I get.”
“Man, you’ve got some quick grabbers.”
“I can’t wait to get overdressed, take awkward photos, push all the buttons!”
“We’re gonna turn this bloodbath into a fun bath.”
“Do you think I could pull off red eyeshadow?”
“Girl, you could pull off anything.”
“We’re style geniuses!”
“Ominous footsteps, creepy woods, this is no problem.”
“Dang, I look great.”
“___, you always go overboard and I end up bailing you out.”
“Now, what’s the fun in watching a kid get eaten by a monster if it’s my kid?”
“___, I don’t think you’re ready but we’re literally out of time.”
“Why so twitchy, witchy?”
“Teenagers are brutal. They’ll boo anyone and that kind of public humiliation will stick with you for life.”
“You look nice. Strange, but nice.”
“Honestly, I’m kind of amazed with how fearless you are.”
“You’ve done things I could never do.”
“Thing is, you’re sitting in my personal chitchat zone, which means you gotta talk.”
“I am a little weirdo.”
“You gotta pander.”
“Cheating a isn’t anything to brag about.”
“Well, can’t reason with crazy!”
“I’ve been talking for too long.”
“Feeling sentimental?”
“I love water.”
“I don’t know much about sports but I do know about sports movies.”
“What happens in the montage stays in the montage.”
“Not everything can be solved with a good attitude and a dope movie soundtrack.”
“Sorry, I just really love backstories.”
“You just destroyed your social life.”
“That’s such a stupid rule!”
“You’re not gonna show this to anyone, right?”
“I haven’t forgotten what you promised me.”
“Ahh, you’re a thorn in my side but you always dig your way into my heart.”
“Jeez, you’re morbid.”
“Ahh, it’s a fate much worse than death if you think about it.”
“Please don’t make me regret taking you here.”
“Love me a properly ventilated castle.”
“I spy with my little eye something coming this way!”
“I’m going away and I don’t know if I can come back this time.”
“And ___, thank you, for being in my life.”
“I want her back as much as you do.”
“Don’t look at me like that, this is for your own good.”
“Ah farts, I got caught.”
“You understand, don’t you?”
“Please tell me that’s not as bad as it sounds.”
“To be great, you have to make sacrifices.”
“Ahh, ___, you chose the wrong side.”
“I like your spirit, but try that again and things won’t end well for you.”
“Go on, then. Go be a hero.”
“I may have lost but so have you.”
“I can teach you what I know, and what we don’t know we can learn together.”
#the owl house#starters#rp starters#sentence starters#sentence starter meme#rp#rp meme#ask meme#long post
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Who are most likely to forgive their alpha for flirting with others and who would resent them for it? (Not seriously flirting, just always being charming and giving compliments to other omegas)
(Ooh, an interesting idea! Thanks for sending this is! <3)
Who is chill/happy with a flirty alpha:
1. Asmo – Of course he has no problems with it! Flirting with people is fun, after all, and he certainly didn’t stop flirting with random alphas after he got mated. Asmo would love a flirty alpha so much because it would make him feel less guilty for being himself and also, he really wants to try flirting with someone at the same time as his alpha. He wants to see how people react when faced with 2x the charm!
2. Simeon – He thinks that being charming and sweet to everyone is one of his alpha’s best qualities. Simeon views it as pure friendliness and he loves that his alpha takes the time to brighten other peoples’ days. Everyone knows that the best people to go to when you’re feeling down is Simeon and his alpha, who between them have a perfect balance of good advice, charming ego boosters and overwhelming charisma.
3. Sai – Being charming and nice to people is how one makes friends, so he thinks it’s perfectly normal. He tries similar strategies but somehow, they don’t have as high a success rate… Maybe he should take notes next time his alpha is making friends at a party or bar and try it like they do?
4. Zen – Hell yeah, his alpha has game! He is so attracted to the idea of being in a power couple, so an alpha who can more than hold their own socially is right up his alley. Together they can charm anyone and everyone! They can make anyone envious! Him and his alpha are truly an unstoppable couple, and he definitely takes this as a sign that you are soulmates.
5. Denki – Denki has so much love to give, so he assumes that his alpha is the same and that they choose to express love through charm and compliments. His alpha always makes people smile, and that makes Denki smile in turn. Bringing a little happiness wherever they go is something Denki admires about his alpha. And anyway, Denki is a sucker for joke flirting, so he can hardly criticise.
6. Hairo – He adores an alpha who gives lots of compliments to everyone because he does the same! There is nothing more rewarding than bringing out the best in someone by reminding them of their capabilities and good qualities in his opinion, so he’s thrilled that his alpha agrees with him on that. Going through a hard time? Go visit Hairo and his mate, they’ll fill you with motivation and confidence, free of charge.
7. Julian – He feels so proud whenever he watches his mate spit game whenever they go out. He watches from afar, arms crossed over his chest, a small smile on his face as you charm the bartender into giving you discounted drinks. Julian can be quite the flirt himself, so he is quite relieved that his alpha is the same and understands him in that way. He also finds it very hot when his alpha oozes charm. Julian is a flirt, but it all crumbles when someone calls his bluff, but you on the other hand? Always smooth and collected. It makes Julian more than a little hot around the collar.
Who despises a flirty alpha:
1. Levi – He is not the avatar of Envy for no reason. Levi is very insecure and very jealous. When his alpha gives compliments to other omegas, Levi takes it as a direct attack on his character and assumes that he doesn’t have whatever you’re praising and therefore you are inevitably going to leave him for this obviously superior person. He throws little tantrums whenever his alpha is too flirty with someone else and they always end in tears. Even an alpha who is just socially adept, not flirty, will make his jealously raise its head, because why would someone who can be so confident in public want to be with a shut-in, loser otaku like him?? He will eventually get over very innocent socialisation, but actual flirting is something he can never deal with.
2. Sasuke – He hates it. He always scoffs and rolls his eyes whenever his alpha is too friendly with someone else, making his displeasure known. He’s a jealous person by nature, most Uchiha are (they have stronger possessive instincts over mates in their clan), so this would make him surly and frustrated. If the flirting was too obvious and continuous, he would grow to doubt his partner’s fidelity, which is never a good sign for a relationship, so Sasuke’s alpha would need to tone it way down for him, or at least stick to flirting when Sasuke wasn’t there, but that might make him even more suspicious if he ever found out.
3. Neji – Neji feels humiliated if his alpha is flirting with others. How dare they make a show of flaunting themselves like they’re single?! He fumes with an angry and humiliated flush on his cheeks as his alpha flirts. He feels like everyone is judging him and his relationship when his alpha is too friendly with other omegas, after all, people must be thinking that he is doing a poor job of keeping his mate happy if they have to find other people to act like that with. He thinks it’s shameful to act that way when mated, and he will tell his alpha that. For the sake of their relationship, his alpha better cease that behaviour immediately.
4. Yoosung – He is another one who is very insecure. He gets pouty and upset when his alpha flirts and compliments other omegas because they should be complimenting him and giving him attention. He’s their mate, right? He doesn’t know how to manage these feelings and will either get drunk and cry, or follow his alpha everywhere and drape himself over them constantly to ward off other omegas. If it continues, he will take this flirting as a sign that he loves his alpha more than his alpha loves him. Yoosung is very in love with the idea of a fairy tale romance, and this definitely wasn’t part of the plan!
5. Bakugou – He gets angry to hide his conflicting feelings. On one hand, of course his alpha would be stupid to leave him, he’s the best! On the other hand, he’s a very non-traditional omega and while he loves who he is in many ways, that doesn’t mean that everyone else does, quite the contrary in fact. He confronts his alpha every time, shouting at them to just leave if they’re planning on cheating on him. Flirting with certain people (cough Midoryia cough) will make him very, very angry/upset. It’s best for his blood pressure if his alpha learns new ways of social interaction that don’t include flirting.
6. Kusuo – Kusuo is quite possessive, even if he won’t admit that to himself. He craves affection and attention from his alpha in a way he’s never felt before. He likes to spend time with his alpha alone, just the two of them, and that’s when he’s the happiest, so when other people appear to be getting in the way of that? Huh, the other person just remembered that they left the oven on and have to go home. What a coincidence. Whenever his alpha goes anywhere, Kusuo invites himself along, and this goes double if his alpha is flirty. They won’t be flirting with anyone, not of Kusuo’s watch.
7. Light – He’s too arrogant and possessive to deal with a flirty alpha. He’s the only one that should be receiving compliments and romantic attention from his alpha. They’re his, and only his. Light very much understands playing a perfect charismatic character in public, but his alpha always seems a little too genuine, a little too willing to flirt even when there’s nothing for them to gain from it. It makes him suspicious. It’s all or nothing. His alpha either commits fully to him, or he gets rid of them.
8. Jumin – That sort of behaviour is far too close to that of his father for him to be comfortable. He’s seen his father go through girlfriend after girlfriend, flirting with everyone and anyone, and it always ends badly. Jumin feels betrayed and shuts down before he can be hurt by a rejection. Cheating/flirting is too traumatic a topic for him to deal with on a daily basis. He appreciates an alpha that can be charming with his clients when it’s required, but any more than that will lead to serious trust issues. He promised himself that he would never turn into his father or allow someone to treat him like his father treats his conquests and he intends to keep that promise.
#headcanons#reader insert#omegaverse#abo#a/b/o#a/b/o fic#gn!reader#naruto#mystic messenger#bnha#mha#the arcana#saiki k#omega!saiki#omega!light#death note#omega!jumin#omega!sasuke#omega!bakugou#omega!julian#omega!asmo#obey me#obey me one master to rule them all#omega!denki#omega!yoosung#omega!levi#omega!simeon#omega!sai#omega!zen#omega!hairo
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part 4: hcs dedicated to reactions: seirin (their precious lil manager going out with that scissor-wielding emperor bastard!?) and rakuzan (their captain was in love with that girl who cussed at him near the vending machine?!? ITS SO FUNNY) ++ angst where akashi gets jealous of readers teammates (IZUKI kuroko kagami furi... but mostly izuki bc point guards with eye powers) because he still feels bad about what happened and thinks he doesnt deserve her -- teiko anon
OUR LEGENDARY TEIKO ANON HAS SPOKEN OF AN EPILOGUE, alright y’all the finale FINALE 🧘🏻♀️ OKAY, i don’t think I hammered too hard on the angst, but enjoy the fluff and subtle crack😌
OOH, looks like another anon wants a pt. 4! :0 Since it is primarily the Teiko anon’s request, I will be prioritizing the first request, but I will combine a few aspects of this request to make a fuller headcanon epilogue! Hope everyone enjoys this! part 1 here // part 2 here // part 3 here
Akashi x Reader
Part 4: Epilogue
[Teiko!manager Headcanons]
in the aftermath of the Winter Cup, your relationship with Akashi has certainly gotten much better, and dare you say, more intimate and romantic; though you were still healing a bit from the emotional scars from Teiko, they seemed to be going away faster than you realized, especially when everyone gathers for Kuroko’s birthday party
you were with Seirin, helping with the decorations and setting up the plates before Kuroko comes in the evening, but what no one expected was for him to bring in the GoMs
YOU’RE SHOOK AND YOU’RE BASHFUL SEEING AKASHI IN HIS WINTER ATTIRE, you’re getting MAD butterflies, but no one seems to notice because everyone’s attention is on the GoMs and Kuroko
of course Akashi was scanning the room for you first, and you immediately look away from his affectionate stare because you were still not used to the old Akashi, let alone his sweeter side for only you
Izuki notices how quiet you got and nudged your ribs with his elbow before telling a stupid pun… the thing is, you were one of the few people who genuinely found his jokes funny LOL
Akashi widens his eyes, staring at you laughing so unabashedly, and he feels really, really bad that he never got that level of a reaction from you whenever you were with him even despite knowing you for longer
now as the party goes on, Akashi is seeing your dynamics with Seirin for the first time and he’s just really grateful that you found an amazing support group during your low times; he’s not particularly someone to get jealous, but he’s getting a BAD case of FOMO because he’s thinking of all the “what-if’s” and all the times he could’ve made you happy and stress-free
“Akashi-kun?”
“Ah… yes?” Akashi snaps out of his daze to see a mild smirk coming from Kuroko on his right side, and Kuroko was about to ask a question about who he was looking at before a shout of “Watch out!” and a ceramic plate came FLYING across the table to hit the Rakuzan captain square on his face
CUE SCREAMS OF PANIC AS MOMOI PUNCHES AOMINE ON THE HEAD AND RIKO JUMPS TO STRANGLE KAGAMI, AND YOU LITERALLY ZOOMED TO HIS SIDE TO CHECK ON ANY INJURIES
see, he could’ve easily dodged it, and he supposed that it’s his fault for not paying attention and dodging on time
thankfully, the plate didn’t break because Kuroko caught the plate before it reached the floor and placed it back on the table
Akashi still has a bruise or two on his face though… and ngl, everyone gulped when they saw him checking out the injuries with a handheld mirror, ready to get their ankles broken
you were so worried over his safety, he finds it really endearing… but he wants to elicit an expression other than looks of worry or tears or anger (flashback to when you cussed him out)
“Wait, but (y/n)...” Koganei said. “Since when were you so close to Akashi that you didn’t hesitate to touch his face?”
a few moments of silence for everyone to register his words
“EHHHH?????!!!!”
everyone is throwing QUESTION after QUESTION at the two of you, and Akashi just has a neutral face with his mouth parted while you were so embarrassed LMAO
Kise being a real best friend, tells them:
“Alright, alright, everyone! Let’s not forget about the birthday boy! Kurokocchi should be the center of our attention today!”
“Kise, that’s…”
“Anywho! Let’s light up the cake and find those party poppers…”
after the party though, when you all return to school, Seirin was READY to jump on you for interrogation, and you do reluctantly tell them that you and Akashi are a tentative couple
Riko: “SERIOUSLY? I mean… that’s kinda cute though…”
Hyuuga: “I mean… yeah, as long as you’re happy, it’s none of my business.”
Teppei: “I hope he treats you well, (y/n)-san.” and of course he gives you his signature head pats
Furihata, Tsuchida, Kawahara: “??????????????????? But why?”
Koganei: “Huh, guess that explains a lot.”
Kagami: “???????????? pt. 2 LMAO” and also “What do you even see in him?” in genuine curiosity
Izuki: “ I guess you two dove into this relationship without hesitation, eh? Get it, get it? Because doves are a symbol of lo—”
“Izuki, shut the fuck up.”
“It means that you love (Ai)kashi—” [Ai means love]
“IZUKI.”
Kuroko simply pretends that this is the first time he’s heard of you dating Akashi, and he gives you his heartfelt congratulations, and as long as Kuroko approves of it, you feel like you’re on the right track (he’s such a good judge of character!)
you and Akashi actually live VERY far apart, considering that your schools are equally just as far in distance, but that being said, for our rich boy Akashi, distance isn’t much of a problem when he can easily find ways to come visit any time
he can also pay for your transportation to visit Rakuzan if you ever felt like visiting him too (although, you insist to pay for your own things, but he’s not having it because he says it’s a treat for him to see you too)
whenever Akashi stops by the Seirin campus to visit, he’s just kind of awkward standing there like the prince that he is, waiting for the perfect opportunity to walk in, but every time, he’d ALWAYS notice how you’re so happy being with everyone here, especially with Izuki, and his guilt just comes back full force again
he wonders if this was right of him to date you when there’s so much people who can easily do a better job in getting you to smile and be completely yourself, especially since he’s been the source of your anguish for all these months (maybe even a year or two if he was counting the duration of your entire crush on him that you assumed to be unrequited)
“Seijurō!” your voice rang out, beckoning him to walk towards you and the group
all of the Seirin teammates are so wary of him, and are all hyper aware of his movements LOL, and Kuroko is just like “hi, you’re back” very casually
Kagami uses this as a chance to challenge a one-on-one on Akashi
Kagami gets destroyed in a few minutes flat
the whole time you’re just watching Akashi with heart eyes, unbeknownst to him while he was focused on Kagami
after the interrogation and Akashi passing the “first stage” of acceptance, you and him find time to have a cute date at a local shopping district to walk around and sightsee
Akashi finds it fun, he really did, but there’s a part of him that thinks you’d have more fun with people who know you better… a.k.a. Izuki, or legit any other Seirin member
he’s visibly distracted by his own thoughts, and you wave a hand to his face, asking if this was too boring for him
“No, no, of course I’m enjoying this with you,” he muses, putting a gentle kiss to your temple. “Shall we get moving?”
“Something’s bothering you isn’t it.”
“No,” he chuckles, giving a gentle smile, but you only frown at him… once again he sees that you weren’t smiling at him
“I’m serious Sei, I want to get to know the real you,” you softly chastise, pinching his cheek. “So I also want you to speak your mind around me.”
“Oh ho… I see that your boldness is still very present here,” he says in referring to your touch.
“Oh my god, can you drop it already? That’s so embarrassing—I cussed you out one time… hey don’t change the subject!”
“Hmm…” he hums for a bit before he comes clean. “I’m afraid that I might not be the right person to be worthy by your side after hurting you for so long.”
“... What makes you think that?” He hesitates, for the first time, not being so sure of himself and his emotions; he immediately thinks of Izuki and your good chemistry with him but dismisses the thought
“... I just do not think I’m capable enough to make you happy.”
“But you are. I’m very giddy to be with you right now.”
“Even happier than when you are with… your teammates?”
“Huh?”
“I apologize,” he hurriedly says. “They are your friends. I was out of line to question them.”
“No, no, it’s okay. Talk it out to me.” He’s uncharacteristically quiet as you both continue to walk and browse through the shops, and you carefully watch Akashi while he’s examining a few souvenirs on the display, patient for him to continue talking
“... the point guard.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Seirin’s point guard.”
“Izuki-kun? What about him?”
“While I’m aware that you only spend your time with him as a good friend… I want to spend just as much of a koala-ty time with you whenever we have the chance.”
he... says this with the straightest face, and you’re utterly confused before you saw some animal plushies on the store window, and the the koala plush, and then the cogs started turning in your head
“... Did you just say a pun?”
“Was it not sufficient?”
a few moments of silence pass and Akashi thinks he did something wrong because he wanted to make you smile (HELP poor captain), before you break into hysterics
between your fits of broken laughs and wheezes, you managed to ask if he was jealous of Izuki, to which he wholeheartedly kept denying until you wouldn’t stop being persistent
you reassure him over and over that he doesn’t need to act like Izuki to make you happy, but it was a pleasant surprise to see Akashi crack a “joke” nonetheless
he’s a bit new to the concept of dating and is still quite unsure of how to navigate this PLEASE GIVE HIM TIME
the date that day was a success (some of the Seirin teammates TOTALLY weren’t spying on you mid-date or anything…)
while Seirin is okay with you dating, visiting Rakuzan ALONE with the scary-ass captain and his “CROONIES” (hint: the rest of the team LMAOO) IS AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STORY
RIKO AND HYUUGA are just like:
“What’s wrong with him coming here to visit you? Why do you gotta do the effort to visit him?”
“Uh… because I want to…”
“Yes, but who would you call to help over if something wrong happens? You’d be too far!”
“Uh, Akashi can help me if something happens.”
“With what, his scissors?” Kagami gives a deadpan look, and everyone turns to look at him in utter confusion LMAOOO like what does this redhead mean by SCISSORS???
Kuroko immediately jabs Kagami’s sides to silence him and smoothly changes the conversation before anyone asks any more questions about the “scissors” and potentially make them more reluctant to let you go
oh Kuroko, being the mediator and negotiator as always, trying to set some safety protocols for you to follow before everyone finally agrees to let you go see the infamous team alone
you know, Teppei is honestly just like, “Just go! Don’t worry about our (y/n) too much!”
Furihata is so concerned for your safety for valid reasons, but you reassure him that you won’t “die from the trip,” and no, this wouldn’t “be the last time” they’d see you before you leave
so when you stopped by Rakuzan’s gym after school after looking at the online maps, Hayama lets out a screech of terror before he starts pointing at you and calling you the “crazy ass chick” who tried to have a first-row seat ticket to death LOL
Hayama’s commotion brought everyone else’s attention to you, and Akashi was very surprised to see you all the way here
but he’s just standing at the back to watch how his teammates are reacting to you
Reo is the guy who would welcome you very warmly and would introduce you to the other team members who aren’t the starters, and he would actually ask if you were okay from last time
Nebuya is very laid back and throws a few muscle jokes much to Reo’s dismay, and he makes a comment about not you possibly not eating enough because at the time, he saw you almost tripping up your feet after you cussed out Akashi… he offers you his extra bowls if you ever feel hungry VERY SWEET GUY
Mayuzumi thinks you have balls, like who the fuck would come out alive after cussing out his captain but then COME BACK to said school of the captain… like why would you willingly walk back into the lion’s den??? so he thinks you’re dumb, but he has a shred of respect for you
Akashi is so amused at the spectacle and finally walks over to you after you noticed him
and he gives you an embrace and a chaste forehead kiss, and the entire gym goes silent
“Sei! I wanted to drop by as a surprise! Did you expect me?”
“Hm, I may have expected you to come sooner or later, but definitely not this quickly. Were transportation fees too much of a hassle?”
“Nope! I got everything covered! Do you want me to give you any chiropractic massages if you and your teammates need it?”
“You don’t need to do that, (y/n). You came here as a guest, not as a manager.”
“But…”
“Shhh, as soon as practice is done, I’ll take you anywhere you want in Kyotō. How does that sound?”
“Er… captain?” Reo holds up a hesitant finger to interrupt the two of you, while everyone else looks horrified at the sight of their captain looking serene
“Get a room, will you?” Mayuzumi only tuts in irritation while turning away to grab a nearby water bottle to down in one go
Nebuya merely stares in astonishment at the two of you, and his mind is thinking how the hell did you reel in this guy?
nah man, Hayama is GONE at this point: his brain has stopped functioning a while ago, and he’s standing there as stiff as a statue, scratching his head like a lost monkey // like he’s thinking how the fuck did this shit add up?? in his mind, he’s taking 2 plus 2 but it somehow ends up 94… that’s how he’s processing what he’s witnessing
the rest of the benchers and lower-string players are confused? who ARE you anyways?? Akashi?? dating??? that’s Rakuzan gossip of the century
TLDR; your first trip to Rakuzan may be awkward because the two of you stick out like a sore thumb, but eventually after multiple trips, the team slowly begins to consider you as one of their own
as per Akashi’s “suggestion” (hint: not a suggestion, but a strong recommendation), you were to be retreated with respect and kindness
why? Because Akashi never wants a repeat of the situation at Teiko ever again :(
as long as he is captain, and as long as he has the power and authority, he will do everything he can to make you happy and comfortable
don’t worry though, the Rakuzan starters are more than willing to punt any kid who talks shit about you
surprisingly, once Hayama comes around and accepts the fact that you were dating the captain, he’d be the most adamant and vocal protector, and he’s the one who shares the “inside tips and tricks” about the captain EEEE it’s so wholesome !!
the Rakuzan team is your certified bodyguard group, no debate
Reo might be the nosy mom who asks about who confessed first and the like…
the END, and I DO MEAN THE END THIS TIME
#knb#kuroko no basket#knb x reader#akashi seijuro#knb headcanons#akashi x reader#akashi seijuro x reader#teiko#knb teiko#teiko middle school#THE END FOR REAL
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shadow and bone rewatch s1e6 while drinking mid-range scotch
I wish I have a face that is as unlined and pretty as Ben Barnes' when I'm 39
Arken you dirty dirty liar
the face Alek is making at his lies that he knows are lies firstly because he knows the art of lying so well and also because he can read people very well
okay Ivan is kind of a bad bitch with his smirk at Arken's lies
alek's eyes narrowing and his little smile when Arken says 'im an entertainer' bitch I love this show
*grabs hand, pulls up sleeve, and discovers Arken's hand is full of marks indicating successful passages through the fold* 'well, that is certainly entertaining' I love this man with all my heart
him screaming is so fucking hot, is that weird for me to say
Nina being the Darkling's spy is quite interesting
Ben giving the Darkling crazy eyes when Arken owns up to his guilt is so cool
also wtf is Arken a fool trying to negotiate with possibly the strongest man in the world
kind of loved the darkness literally eating him
also love Alina learning to use her powers better when she is alone than when she is with anyone else, wish we got to see the cut in this season as per the books, ah can't have everything I guess
the camera pan to Jesper's gun at his side, amazing
god Jessie is literally so beautiful I need to see her bring Alina to the peak of her power so bad
netflix you better renew this series to let the plot run to its completion
HOW THE FUCK DID THEY CAST THE CROWS SO PERFECTLY
INEJ FUCKING TREMBLING JUST THE TINIEST BIT AS SHE BOWS SLIGHTLY TO ALINA SGSHSBSJJSJSSJ MY TWO QUEENS
'And where is my Summoner?' my little Darklina heart ouchie I really wish you hadn't used and manipulated her like this Alek it was incredibly fucked up especially considering you actually caught feelings
'Ivan and I won't fail you' oh Fedyor my baby, my angel, you don't deserve what is coming
Helnik literally recreating Titanic lmao stop this is a joke
I too would jump off the raft if I came to consciousness to see a gorgeous woman with magical powers with her hand on my back
omg but why is ryevost so pretty though
'I know exactly how she felt. The King's soldiers treated me the same way... I'm not myself today.' why must you do this to me, why must you fuel my darklina soulmates agenda idiocy
I don't quite think I have a problem with the Zoya Darkling relationship as much as I have a problem with the line they chose to reveal it to use with.
my drink's over and I don't know if I should have another, considering that it's 7 am
the tenderness with which he looks at Zoya and takes her hand and then when he says 'I shall relax when I have Alina' makes me believe more that the man that is reduced to tears time and again in front of Alina could in fact be the master manipulator I know him to be
god I can't wait for Zoya's character arc
'I speak six languages, it's part of my job' why is Nina literally the fucking coolest
Alina blinding the oprichniki was so hot, I can't wait to see more of her power and her ruthlessness
I know I've said it before but good god is Jessie Mei Li gorgeous
HER LITTLE SMILE AMONGST ALL THE PANIC AS SOON AS SHE SEES MAL, THE AUDACITY OF THIS SHOW TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY
THE SCORE COMING IN AT THE RIGHT MOMENT, THEIR HANDS MEETING, HER SMILE AGAIN DHDHSBSNSNSNSNAN IM IN PAIN
REALLY?! YOU'RE GONNA GO DIRECTLY FROM MALINA TO HELNIK WITH NO CONCERN FOR MY HEART?
I simply cannot get over Calahan's accent lmao it's really funny
'im not afraid of you' he says to the insanely gorgeous girl with magic
HIM HANGING HIS HEAD IN DEFEAT TO INDICATE NINA HAS MADE VALID POINTS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I CAN'T BREATHE
'You're just a man. Like all the others.' she says and then forgets her train of thought looking at him as he strips. god I love this
not sleeping all night and then scotch is not a good idea, I think
'I promise not to ravish you' 'I hate the way you talk' her hand on his chest, his hand gripping hers, my fucking heart feels like it's about to explode
good god these shooting locations and sets are so beautiful
Alina throwing the flask at Mal and Mal going 'OI!' I fucking can't, I guess I am a
simp for childhood friends to lovers, give me more of that banter and childhood friend energy, I am thriving
wow it literally seems like they took book! Mal sl*tshaming book! Alina and made show! Alina sl*tshame show! Mal, hmm, interesting
'They would have split us up!' MAL'S LITTLE SMILE AT THIS, and the 'You wrote me letters?' Mal's nod, the Malina yearning stare, the Malina hug, 'thank you for finding me' 'always. I'll always find you.' NO MALINA YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE MADE ME ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FERAL
I understand they had to split time between my ravkan babies and the crows and that is why there were several aspects that were sort of not reflected on enough but Alina's training at the Little Palace, Alina's cut, Mal's personality, a teensy bit of backstory for the crows, maybe one lockpicking scene from my boy Kaz
random note: we have far too many idols and paintings and pictures and whatnot of Hindu deities in our house apart from the specially designed temple (we are Hindus, so maybe it's not that weird but it's a little weird)
Kaz's cane is a literal star, it's so beautiful my heart wants to explode
'Why would Heleen get the Crow Club?' *literally fucking gets up and walks aways instead of answering the fucking question* I LITERALLY CAN'T BREATHE I'M LOSING MY MIND
'I know that voice' WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME FIGHT FOR PLATONIC SHIPS IN FANDOMS
'We won't starve' omg get you someone who packs food for you when you go on the run together hiding from your ex who wants to capture you and use your powers as a weapon against your consent
Mal looking surprised at her summoning sunlight, Alina looking cautiously at him waiting for him to disapprove or run for the hills in fear or smth like that, 'I'm sorry it took me this long to see you... But I see you now' my dumb little shipper trash heart ouch
they really said we're gonna feed you this part asian couple as the protagonists in this show in 2021 and guess what I'm eating it's really tasty I'm very satisfied as a south asian
NINA'S LITTLE SMILE WHEN MATTHIAS WAKES UP WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER
'I can feel how much you hate sleeping next to me' 👀👀👀 BITCH SAID IMMA SPILL THE TEA AND THEN SHE DID
it's 8 am and guess what I'm getting another drink my parents have c*vid and are in govt qu*r*ntine centres there is nobody to supervise or stop me
I too say 'Why do you have to say things like that?' to my pretty crush when she flirts with me
Nina smiling at Matthias bragging about his conservative ways is my aesthetic
'No, it's not natural for someone to be as stupid as he is tall and yet, oh, there you stand.' MY FUCKING QUEEN
Matthias laughing uncontrollably at Nina saying something which isn't even that funny is a whole ass vibe
Kaz Brekker saying 'The Black General' ooh fuck yeah
YESSSS STEP OUT OF THAT CARRIAGE ALL SEXY BLACK GENERAL
isn't alcohol supposed to like kill germs? well, the amount in my system definitely will
I love my crows so much (always but this time particularly for setting that alarm in the stolen carriage)
ooh Polina recognising Inej by the knife yesss let's go writers
this Ivan Jesper showdown is all I needed from life and yet did not know about
Ivan taking off his cloak was, um, sexier than I wanted it to be
I just realised how thirsty I am going to sound in this post
'Has no one told you that keftas are Fabrikator-made and resistant to bullets, hmm?' 'Oh, I do love a challenge' LITERALLY EVERYTHING
im sorry to be pointing out flaws in a perfect show and adaptation but the line delivery on 'You robbed me of my brother, now I'll rob you of your life' from Polina was kind of weak
'You're a-' *gets knocked out with the back of a gun* LMAO we love the hints
got excited at the prospect of kaz v. zoya until I realised they will not be letting the opportunity of kaz v. darkling pass up
my goodness is Amita Suman a splendid actress
I AM NOT KIDDING WHEN I TELL YOU I SQUEALED WHEN I SAW DARKLES EMERGE OUT OF THE SHADOWS IN FRONT OF MY BABY BOY KAZ
THERE BEING ACTUAL FEAR OR ATLEAST DOUBT ON KAZ'S FACE, THE LITTLE BACK STEPS AS
THE DARKLING WALKS TOWARDS HIM, AAAAH I CAN'T
THE DARKLING STOPPING AT KAZ SAYING 'SHE FLED ON HER OWN' AND THE HINT OF TEARS THAT WE SEE IN HIS EYES
'IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR SHE WASN'T INTERESTED IN BEING A CAPTIVE ANYMORE' YOU TELL HIM, KING
*ACTUAL FUCKING TEARS IN THE DARKLING'S EYES AS THE SHADOWS APPROACH*
NOT ME YOWLING LIKE A HYENA THAT THIS CHILD OUTSMARTED THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN EXISTENCE WITH A FAKE MAGIC TRICK
'Are you sure you added enough cloves?' literally warranting a wide ass smile from my queen Alina making my entire fucking day
for some reason, no matter how much I push it from my mind, Ben Barnes dressed up as the Darkling, dancing to 'push it' keeps coming to mind, it's absolutely ridiculous
I got somehow distracted with interviews but good things came out of that as it gave my body the time for the booze to kick in
and I would just like to say that I love Leigh for all she has given me
Alina is so fucking compassionate, I have no much love for her. I can feel her guilt and her sorrow as Mal talks of Mikhail and Dubrov
don't particularly like how the stag plotline is woven in, could have been executed better
'You're afraid you might start to like me?' *flaps furs like a bird's wings in frustration*
'I DO like you' my fucking heart you idiots
the sexual tension is so palpable and the moment is so intimate I simply cannot
OMG SHE FUCKING FELL
that moment where you think he might let her fall despite having read the books and he doesn't and he tells her his name I- <3
YOU DARE TRANSITION FROM A HELNIK SCENE TO A KANEJ SCENE YOU REALLY HAVE NO MERCY FOR MY HEART HUH
people have talked about this endlessly but Freddie's little jaw tic after he says Inej because Inej is wounded and he can't physically bring himself to help her I fucking cannot
THE MUSIC PICKING UP AS KAZ LOOKS TO THE DARKLING'S CARRIAGE I CAN'T WITH THIS SHOW ANYMORE
and now for one of my favorite scenes in television and cinematic history, David Kostyk throwing a book at Jesper Fahey without even knowing who he is merely because he opens the door of his carriage and says hello to him before getting knocked out by Kaz Brekker while trying to run away
Immediately followed by another, the scene with David Kostyk raising his finger to put forward his point in front of the Darkling and the Darkling trying to let him know he doesn't have to before obliging is one of my favourite scenes in the world
also sir please stop being devastatingly attractive in your glorious appearance with your face and your black kefta and cloak because all that comes to mind is Ayesha Erotica's Emo Boy and I'm afraid that is terribly inappropriate.
'No, you look great.' *literally looks down from embarrassment or blushing* MALINA RIGHTS?
THE LOOK ON THE DARKLING'S FACE BEFORE HE SAYS 'NO ORDINARY TRACKER, NO ORDINARY GIRL' BITCH IM OUT OF BREATH
'ORPHANS OF KERAMZIN, REUNITED.' 'ADORABLE.' HE FUCKING SNEERED IRL I FUCKING CANNOT
GOD IT'S SO GOOD
#shadow and bone#grishaverse#netflix shadow and bone#six of crows#sab#soc#grishaverse spoilers#shadow and bone spoilers#netflix shadow and bone spoilers#six of crows spoilers#sab spoilers#soc spoilers#alina starkov#jessie mei li#malyen oretsev#archie renaux#malina#ivan#simon sears#arken visser#nina zenik#danielle galligan#jesper fahey#jesper llewellyn fahey#kit young#crows#netflix#inej ghafa#amita suman#the darkling
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RWBY V07E13 - The Enemy of Trust
I can't remember the last time I've felt so reluctant to watch an episode of RWBY. There's no way they'll turn _everything_ around in 20 minutes so no happy ending this season. Who knows who's going to die this episode to satiate RT's thirst for blood and drama.
The other reason I'm not sure I want to watch this episode is that the big moment of last episode fell so flat for me that I fear it'll manage to disappoint me again and this time there'll be no next episode to give me hope for a good ending.
But, the liveblog must go on, and there's still hope in me that even if it's not a happy season ending it's going be a good one.
Last episode ended with:
Clover dead and Qrow and Robyn either about to escape or about to get arrested.
Ruby and Weiss about to go find Winter and Penny
Blake and Yang about to go find JNPR
JNPR about to fight Neo
Cinder about to fight Winter and Penny, with the Winter Maiden in a pod.
Is the Winter Maiden going to die? Who's going to get her powers? Winter? How many minutes into the episode before Pietro dies? Yang vs Neo rematch? How is Ironwood going to be stopped if he's stopped at all? Is Salem going to appear at the last possible second with her flying monkeys?
I don't know so let's do this!
Ooh, there's the aura projection he was supposed to learn this volume. Not as spectacular as I hoped but still works.
This makes me have a ton of questions about how her semblance works. How did she escape Oscar's grasp to make that illusion? Was Neo an illusion the entire time? How resilient they are in that case? She very noticeably didn't get hit at all until now.
Poor Oscar, it's been a long day for him.
I'm trying to figure out if Neo could have disguised herself as someone else in JNPR but the moments they leave the screen don't match with Neo's dissapeareance. I guess she could have been the guard but still, weird.
high poly birds, the true advantage of the new cg engine
Hints to Cinder's backstory?
It's fun to see Penny finally have a match considering she's been a powerhouse the entire season. She _has_ to be disabled in some way though if Pietro's death flags are going to get triggered this season at all and I'm not looking forward to that.
I have no idea when this fight turned into Matrix Revolutions but I'm not complaining.
I'd be more worried about Winter but I'm sure she can summon _something_ to survive.
That's even cooler than whatever I had imagined.
_this_ is what I expected from V5's fight between maidens, and Winter is not even a maiden yet.
Welp, now I'm worried.
Cinder's becoming an expert in that move. Hurt someone, run while they are worried about their "friends"
"but it does to me"
That's even better. Penny has grown so much
Maybe carry the child WITH THE RELIC instead of leaving him off ready to be picked off by either Neo or the soldiers.
Yeah, that's Neo. That expression is too sassy to be Nora.
This must have been so much fun to animate.
Of _course_ she'd use her powers in this way. I hoped she'd turn into Pyrrha at some point but this works just as well.
Ren seems to have realized something. I hope it's more "I care more about Nora than I realized" and less "feelings are a weakness"
I'm loving Neo this episode, she's mute and tiny but that doesn't mean anything when she's smart enough to manipulate everyone around her.
Huh. Interesting. It still could be the "feelings are a weakness" thing and he's crying because he knows what he needs to give up but I'm still holding hope for the other choice and he just feels bad about not being able to recognize the real Nora and everything he's been doing this season.
Her movements are so delicate.
Holy shit. This is the first maiden with a lifetime of experience, Cinder has no chance unless her old age becomes an impediment.
oh no no no
LOL at Winter apparently floating, bad layering there.
Is she blaming herself for not completing the job or worried about Penny? After the whole "I don't matter" thing I'm not sure.
Sure, yell at the one person who's never going to yell back.
I feel this siege is going to be Ren's last chance to decide what he's doing with his life and his friends.
...he's going to go find Ironwood. There's no way _that_ ends well so rip.
Okay, this alleviates my "this is murder" concerns from last episode. She was fully aware of what she needed to do and the sacrifice that it entailed. This line however makes me wonder if she remembers Winter at all.
This _reaaally_ feels like she's going to give Penny her powers, but Cinder is probably just close enough to avoid that. What happens if Penny gets her powers and then someone destroys her? Would she keep her powers if Pietro revives her?
The ultimate "things I want to do vs things I need to do" question for Penny.
WHAT THE FUCK
I was joking when I said RIP a couple of screenshots ago, why would you take me seriously!
I'm just slightly disappointed by Ironwood. So far, even in the throes of his paranoia, he had mostly held back, using "legal" means to do what he needed to do. But there's no way to justify shooting Oscar, an _unarmed_ child. This moves him firmly from well-intentioned idiot to a minor evil just below Salem, just like Oscar said. In fact he's more dangerous than Salem right now because he's already there.
Who gave Cinder's VA voice acting lessons? Whoever it was, they deserve a trophy. That break while screaming, just perfect
I didn't want Penny to absorb her powers because that'd mean she's going to be irrevocably tied down, she's never going to be free. _But_, I didn't want Winter to become a maiden because Ironwood has completely lost his mind and unless she suddenly changes her mind about not following him to the ends of the earth that'd mean that Ironwood would have a relic _and_ a maiden.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
His semblance? Or is it _something_ powered by aura inside the cane?
And that's the end of "Ruby won't be able to use her silver eyes after what Salem said" theory.
...she looks much better with her hair down. And welp, first thing she does is think Weiss did something to deserve being on the run.
I didn't realize Cinder had hit Winter so hard she started to hallucinate. Sure, tell two healthy huntresses to surrender while being half dead.
This is going to _suck_ next season, she's probably going to fall into Ironwood's plans even more since she just lost everyone she cared about in Atlas.
My heart.
So, does Cinder think offering the relic up is going to be enough to get into Salem's good graces? How long before Neo tries to put a knife into her back?
IT'S A FLYING WHALE
IT CAN'T END LIKE THIS
---
That was a lot. First things first: I've never been so happy about being wrong, that was a _great_ finale. I'm not incredibly happy about it being such a cliffhanger but it works.
For full disclosure, I'm writing this review a couple of days after watching the episode since I was too tired to continue due to insomnia.
V7 is probably RWBY’s best executed most coherent volume so far. It’s also probably in the bottom half of the list of my “favorite” volumes.
When I say coherent I mean how every single character and action has been laser focused in justifying Ozpin’s monologue at the end. Everything important everyone did has been because of Fear. Overcoming fear, falling to it or causing it. Ren’s try at being a fash, Yang and Blake’s “betrayal,” Ironwood’s (and the council’s) whole thing, Penny’s acceptance of the Winter Maiden’s powers, Watts and Tyrian’s objective, Salem’s appearance and its effects in both Ironwood and Ruby, and a lot of other things I’m probably forgetting.
I don’t remember any other volume so focused in a single theme. Sure, they _have_ themes but V7 is relentless in making everything fit.
It has a great plot throughout that explores themes that have been teased but not fully explored in the past, with some interesting less than black and white issues and a ton of threads that converge mostly gracefully by the end. It’s not RWBY’s most ambitious season, I think V4 still has that distinction, but it’s probably second place _and_ it accomplishes what it wants and almost everything it does better than any other season before.
And for as much as I don’t find the fights interesting, they are _really good_, I think there’s not a single one this volume where I’d be able to complain about the issues that bothered me in past seasons. They are interesting to watch, with creative uses of everyone’s abilities and great choreography and cinematography.
So, on paper I should love it. It’s a _great_ season. But I don’t.
I think that my main issue with V7 is that it’s too real. I distinctly remember feeling weird watching it after everything that happened in my country, the social unrest due to the inequality that reigns supreme.
It was weird living through that, with the military on the streets trying to repress and contain what had been festering for years, _and_ watching a show where something similar was going on but with what felt like sympathetic authority figures. It probably did a good job at that but by the end I wasn’t interested in giving them sympathy, killing most of the emotional weight of the climax.
It doesn’t help that there are very few moments where Mantle’s problems are shown directly on screen. They talk, rant and cry about it but it’s always people unaffected by what’s going on discussing what to do. Even Robyn, who’s supposed to be the voice of the people, feels detached from the people she’s supposed to represent since she has no personal motivations. And when the people of Mantle are shown, it’s mostly after Tyrian’s attacks so it feels like the early episodes are trying to make us feel bad about Mantle but not _too_ bad because it’d cast Ironwood into too much of a bad light.
Brooklyn 99’s quote of “cool motive, still murder” describes Ironwood’s (and Atlas’s) entire plot line for me, and since _everything_ is tied to that it leaves me without much to like.
That’s not to say I hated it, I enjoyed it moment to moment as my liveblogs can attest but the end result is not something I’d like to rewatch unlike other volumes.
The cliffhanger worries me. Or more specifically, _when_ they decided to finish the season worries me. If the cliffhanger had been after Ironwood had raised Atlas his fall would have been definite but since he hasn’t done that yet there’s still a chance he won’t do it. It feels like the writers weren’t sure how far they wanted to take him and decided to postpone making that decision as long as possible (even if him getting redeemed would be incredibly weird after trying to kill Oscar, Ozpin’s speech aside).
Worries aside, I have high hopes for V8 if only because this season was so good besides its particular topic that if they keep that level of quality I'm bound to like it, especially if it doesn't try to redeem the Atlesian military.
I think that's all for now, until next time!
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Discord Text Thread || Quentin & Dorian
Discord thread featuring: Quentin and Dorian
When: September 26th-27th
Mentions: Jaycee
Description:Quentin texts Dorian after their date and then asks if it’s okay to sleep over. He texts him again the next day and things get a little more personal. {sleep over thread to follow}
Trigger Warning: drug mentions and light dirty talk.
Quentin. I bet you can’t guess what’s been on my mind all day....
DORIAN What’s been on your mind all day, handsome?
Quentin. You!
DORIAN Awww.
Quentin. You doing alright today, darlin? Not missing me too bad are ya?
DORIAN Yeah, I’m doing okay. I am missing you though. How are you?
Quentin. That’s good. Not that you’re missing me, but that you’re good. I’ve been pretty good myself, can’t complain. Definitely missing you too though.
DORIAN it’s good to know the feeling is mutual. what have you been up to today?
Quentin. It is isn’t it? I haven’t been up to too much. Working on my next cover and leveling out. How about you?
DORIAN Ooh, what’s the plan for the next cover? I’ve just been chilling today tbh. Having a lazy day.
Quentin. Well, since you’ve been on my mind nonstop, I was thinking something sweet. It seemed relevant. oh yeah? Want some company?
DORIAN Yeah? Like what? Yes please.
Quentin. Hmm, I’d tell you but I don’t wanna ruin the element of surprise. ahhh, thank god!
DORIAN So cute.
Quentin. Yes, yes you are.
DORIAN Nooo, you.
Quentin. Me? Naaah. It’s totally you babe.
DORIAN I refuse to accept that. it’s you.
Quentin. Ughh, fine. But only if I get to kiss you again. Fair?
DORIAN You can kiss me as much as you want.
Quentin. Oh yeah?
DORIAN Yeah.
Quentin. Ooooh, I hope I don’t make you regret that lol how are you so perfect?
DORIAN I doubt you will. I’m not.
Quentin. Seriously, I’m gonna smother you if you keep being so hard on yourself. New rule, you can only be hard on me
DORIAN I’m sorry. When you’ve been through as much awful shit as I have, it’s difficult not to be hard on yourself.
Quentin. I understand, I promise I do. But, you’re so fuckin amazing, baby. You should know that, and I’m gonna make sure you realize it every time I’m around.
DORIAN You’re gonna make me melt. You can’t be that sexy, speak French, and be nice to me. I’m gonna fall head over heels.
Quentin. I could say the exact same thing about you. Except the French part.. but I could teach you the basics. like French kissing
DORIAN I think I already know quite a bit about that.
Quentin. Yep, yeah you definitely do. You kiss like a pro.
DORIAN Heh. Thanks babe. You’re a pretty damn good kisser yourself.
Quentin. I’m glad you think so. Cause my lips are gonna be all over you every chance I get
DORIAN All over me?
Quentin. Uhm... yes?
DORIAN You hesitated.
Quentin. ha, hardly. Just don’t wanna get punished before I get started.
DORIAN You totally did hesitate. Why would you be punished?
Quentin. Oh, darlin. You can trust when I say there would definitely be no hesitation. Idk, haha. You’re the one who likes to be in control.
DORIAN Okay, good to know. You’d have to give me a reason to punish you and so far I have not seen one.
Quentin. That’s good. I’m not sure how extent these punishments get. But, I’m not ready to find out just yet either.
DORIAN Heh.
Quentin. Something about the way you say that always seems so naughty. I like it!
DORIAN Good.
Quentin. soooo... can I stay the night?
DORIAN Oh... yes. I’d like that.
Quentin. you hesitated.
DORIAN Only because I wasn’t expecting you to ask me that.
Quentin. No? I’m pretty addicted to you.
DORIAN oh are you?
Quentin. I am, It’s terrible. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t do anything without wanting to be with you.
DORIAN I have that much of an effect on you already?
Quentin. Is that bad? That’s totally bad isn’t it?
DORIAN No. it’s sweet and flattering.
Quentin. Are you gonna break my heart Dorian Taylor?
DORIAN No! I don’t have any intention to at least. Are you gonna break mine?
Quentin. Hmm, depends on whether you break mine first.
DORIAN 😒
Quentin. Don’t make that face. I don’t want to break your heart. I just wanna love you
DORIAN oh you just wanna love me huh? & I can make that face if I want to.
Quentin. that’s what I said. fine be mean lol
DORIAN Cutie. I’m not mean.
Quentin. you’re right, you’re not.
DORIAN I can be if I’m pushed to the point where I feel like someone deserves it. But not for no reason.
Quentin. I feel that. Me too.
DORIAN Mhm.
Quentin. you don’t believe me? Haha
DORIAN No, I believe you. I just didn’t know how else to respond lol.
Quentin. Ah, haha okay. I’m really not that mean ever. Maybe a little cold but not really mean.
DORIAN Good to know, baby.
Quentin. I don’t think I’d ever be cold with you though. You’re a too sweet.
DORIAN You’re my bad boy with a soft spot for only me huh?
Quentin. haha you think I’m a bad boy? I definitely have a soft spot for only you though.
DORIAN you told me you were.
Quentin. Oh hahaha Maybe I’m a little bad
DORIAN
😅
Quentin. 🙈
DORIAN you’re so cuuuute.
Quentin. I’m something. Hahah
DORIAN You’re sexy and charming.
Quentin. Oh, wow. Smooth.
DORIAN Heh.
[ THE NEXT DAY SEPTEMBER 27TH ]
Quentin. I swear people think I’m crazy. All I do is smile idiotically at my phone lol
DORIAN You’re so adorable. What do you have going on today? I was sad when you had to leave.
Quentin. I did have an interview. But it’s over now, and I’m just laying on my couch talking to you.
DORIAN an interview?
Quentin. Yeah, KJ 104.3 The buzzz
DORIAN Oohhh interesting.
Quentin. Yeah, it was alright. But they always give me shit for starting out as a cliche cover band and continuing to do covers.
DORIAN Fuck them then.
Quentin. Yeah, fuck em all! Doesn’t help my brother, aka my drummer is on holiday. So I was solo
DORIAN I miss you.
Quentin. aww babe. I miss you too, very much! do you wanna see me?
DORIAN 🙈 😘 Yes.
Quentin. I can come back over.
DORIAN Do you want to?
Quentin. Yes, I do.
DORIAN Okay great.. I didn’t wanna pressure you into doing something you didn’t feel like doing.
Quentin. I always wanna see you
DORIAN Yeah? Glad it’s not just me.
Quentin. Oh yeah, definitely not just you darlin.
DORIAN You are soooo hot.
Quentin. you keep making my blush. you’re hot. So scorching baby
DORIAN Awww, I bet you look so cute when you blush. Thank you babe.
Quentin. I think we have a real issue here
DORIAN What’s that?
Quentin. I don’t know how I’m ever gonna keep my hands off of you
DORIAN I’d say you don’t have to but there are some places where you have to keep your hands to yourself lol.
Quentin. some places?
DORIAN Yeah there are some public places where we could get in trouble for being too handsy.
Quentin. oh haha. I thought you meant on your body
DORIAN omg lol. No.
Quentin. ha, good to know.
DORIAN 🤣
Quentin. could you imagine? You can touch me every where. Just not there
DORIAN Lol. I’m sure there are people like that, I’m just not one of them.
Quentin. yeah, no Christian Grey here thanks
DORIAN Lmaooo.
Quentin. Although, I did use to have an use with somethiiiing ha I’ll keep that to myself for now though
DORIAN you used to have what now?
Quentin. nothing lmao
DORIAN it just seemed like you made a typo lol.
Quentin. maybe I did
DORIAN I’m just confused
Quentin. No I definitely did lmao just go with it lmao
DORIAN I can’t I need to know what you were trying to say.
Quentin. lmao God I was just trying to say, I used to have an issue with a certain something. But not anymore
DORIAN Hmm. I probably wouldn’t have understood what you meant anyway, since I refuse to read the books or see those movies.
Quentin. You refuse? I wasn’t actually referring to the movie though lol. Just myself in general.
DORIAN Yeah. I’ve read a couple excerpts online and have read a bunch of think pieces about how it’s not a positive representation of the BDSM community. oh okay. Thought you were referencing the books or movies.
Quentin. Nah, I’ve seen the movies and they kinda suck. But the books, just wow. I don’t care about any of those though. Just you and me
DORIAN The writing that I did read from the first book was... very poor. But idk, maybe it improved throughout the series who knows. How romantic. Are you almost here?
Quentin. Yeah, it’s not very good at all. I am, just stopped for some rolling papers. Do you smoke?
DORIAN Nah, haven’t smoked in years lol. I don’t mind if you do though.
Quentin. That’s awesome! I applaud you. It’s a nasty habit, but I wasn’t actually talking about cigarettes lol
DORIAN I know what you’re talking about lol.
Quentin. well okay then
DORIAN at least I’m pretty sure I do.
Quentin. Hahaha. I was just talking the magical grass.
DORIAN okay so I was right lol.
Quentin. I don’t really smoke anything else besides cigarettes which is gross
DORIAN people smoke a lot of things nowadays.
Quentin. Like opiummm that shits whack ha
DORIAN yeahhh... y i k e s.
Quentin. I did that once when I was like 19z suddenly I was 20 and I didn’t remember shit lmao -z maybe I don’t need any more weed lmao
DORIAN oh shit lol. I’ve never done any hard drugs, I’m proud to say.
Quentin. Really? You just don’t want to... or?
DORIAN Don’t want to.
Quentin. That’s cool. I wish I had your will power
DORIAN I’ve always been really strong minded.
Quentin. that’s good though. Where do you stand on other people doing them?
DORIAN Um. I can’t tell people how to live their lives but I don’t want them to do it around me and I can only hope that they’re being as safe as possible. It would actually really trigger me if it was done around me.
Quentin. Oh, okay.
DORIAN Yeah..
Quentin. So, around you like... on them around you or actually doing it around you?
DORIAN Doing it around me. But also if it’s on them around me in a place where we could get in trouble if someone found it, that’d obviously be a problem too because I’m not tryna catch a charge.
Quentin. Right, makes sense. I guess this would be a good time to tell you, I have a bit of an addiction.
DORIAN I figured there was a reason you had so many questions about it.
Quentin. Well, yeah. I really like you. I don’t wanna mess this up.
DORIAN I really like you too.
Quentin. I’m a little scared to say any more about it. Not gonna lie.
DORIAN Be honest with me, baby. I told you from the jump that I needed that from you. The fact that you even care about how it makes me feel says a lot about how you feel about me.
Quentin. I just don’t wanna lose this, Whatever this is. You’re kinda intimidating ya know? But I don’t really have anything to hide. I do like to feel good though. Everyday. Fuck, I just ruined this didn’t I?
DORIAN No.
Quentin. Are you sure?
DORIAN Yeah. I’m just a little thrown off. And wondering what exactly it is that you do but also wondering if I’m better off not knowing.
Quentin. I mean, I’m pretty sure you’ve seen glimpses of me throwing around shrooms in the general chat. But that’s not my main addiction. I’m kinda bias and don’t really think it’s that bad of a drug. But again, I take it a lot, and half the time you can’t even tell I’m on anything
DORIAN I very rarely go in the group chat so no I haven’t.
Quentin. Oh. Well shit. I really don’t do shrooms a lot though.
DORIAN it is what it is, Quentin. Thanks for being honest.
Quentin. Look, I’m not like, I’m not trying to make light of any of this. But, I could totally go without doing shrooms. That’s not the issue, it’s the molly. It’s why Jaycee and I split up. but since you’ve known me, have I been like a fucked up mess?
DORIAN Molly? I’ve never heard of anybody being addicted to that. As far as I knew, that was a really recreational drug. And I also didn’t know you’d been with Jaycee. Oop lol. No you haven’t.
Quentin. Yeah, it usually is I guess. It’s just like I said, I like to feel good. Idk, it’s not a good thing to be addicted to or admitting. I’m sorry. ha, yeah. We were. And I’m glad I haven’t. that counts for something right?
DORIAN Do you have any intention on slowing down or? Not for me of course but for you. Because like I said I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life, I just want you to be safe. But if you’re acknowledging that you have a problem, then that gives me the impression there’s something you wanna fix.
Quentin. I didn’t really, no. I guess maybe it I found something that replaced that high. I don’t know. I know I have a problem, but knowing it isn’t as easy as fixing it. I’m sorry Dorian.
DORIAN It’s s okay. You don’t need to be sorry.
Quentin. Should I not come over now?
DORIAN Babe. No. I still want you to come over.
Quentin. You sure?
DORIAN You keep asking me and I won’t be. 😛
Quentin. Ah, crap. Okay lol
DORIAN I appreciate that you care so much though.
Quentin. I really do. I really like you, and how I feel when I’m with you. I just, don’t wanna mess that up.
DORIAN That’s so sweet, baby.
Quentin. you’re sweet.
DORIAN Oh yeah? Do you want a taste?
Quentin. Soooo badly.
DORIAN How badly baby?
Quentin. So bad it hurts. But like, in the best possible way.
DORIAN Then hurry up and get your sexy ass over here.
Quentin. yessir.
DORIAN 😏
Quentin. God damn you’re fire.
DORIAN Aw shucks. Making me blush.
Quentin. ha, and I’m only getting started.
DORIAN I can’t wait to kiss you.
Quentin. Good, cause I’m never gonna stop.
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Semi-live Blogging: Return of the Mao Mao Episodes
Before we start, is it just me or is the animation like 10x smoother than it usually is? Also like I said with Nakey, there’s a lot more good expressions too!
Lucky Ducky Mug
Adorabat drinks from sippy cup like baby
"What, Mao Mao's ridiculous mug?" says Badgerclops, holding a cheap plastic big gulp cup he probably got from the grocery store.
How did Adorabat not notice the Lucky Ducky sticker on the Aerocycle
"Don't touch it" (Badgerclops proceeds to slam the table to move it) Ah Badgerclops, ever the contrarian
I'M SORRY DID MAO MAO BLOW THE ROOF OFF OF HQ BY SCREAMING
I love the way Mao says "PROFESSIONAAAL SILENCEEE"
Badgerclops trying to make his mouth disappear and failing made me scream with laughter
Are they seriously reducing Ratarang to 'the funny lil Italian guy'? C’mon guys you’re better than this
Wait why do they think Kevin is Adorabat?? They've seen Adorabat multiple times?? "But they're both blue!" You FOOL Kevin is TEAL there's a difference
Everybody gangsta til Mao Mao's ears start speaking morse code
They're doing surprisingly good silent but it's probably not gonna be that way very long.
Thank you, Lucky Ducky Mug, for catering to my niche interest in characters with neon outlines on black backgrounds.
Mao Mao thinking: Normal thoughts
Badgerclops thinking: Musical-esque singing
Adorabat thinking: Literally just heavy metal
The Sweetypies seriously think they're just playing a really intense game of charades huh,,,
(Mao jabs BC in the stomach with the fire net) HAHA GET REKT
The scene with Badgerclops trying to give Mao Mao Penny's mug is the funniest shit in the world I couldn't stop laughing...or maybe I'm just sleep-deprived
So the Sky Pirates are so similar compared to the Sheriff's Dept. that they can think perfectly in sync? That's cool
SKY PIRATES SONG SKY PIRATES SONG
Why is Snugglemagne throwing a random tea party & why did he only invite the Sheriff's Dept.
Yep there goes the plan. Both of their plans.
Am I going crazy or did the skin on Mao Mao's mouth tear apart like it was sewn shut?! Also yay they're talking again
"It's not gonna stop charging, so I'm just gonna let it explooode..." Mood
"What about the mega laser tube made by mega Losers?" Fsfhkfh
Hey, everyone learned something new from this experience! Are the Sky Pirates gonna try that Hive Mind tactic from now on?
Awww, they fixed his mug with gold - GOD DAMN IT I KNEW THERE WAS A CATCH!!
Lonely Kid
(Sighs) ...I said (SIGHS)
"I literally can't relate to that problem at all." says Badgerclops, who joined a gang because he wanted people to like him.
Shin just dropped off Mao Mao at a summer camp and expected him to make friends? Why does this feel like the plot of Camp Camp
I'm sorry the Mao clan has a freaking PARTY AERO-BUS??
NOO GERALDINE
That BGM is DEFINITELY an extended version of "I Love You, Mao Mao" and I want the lyrics NOW
So Bao was literally just a stray that Mao took home?? Would make sense as to why he wasn't trained
I have a feeling the Flimborg is some sort of sacred being the townspeople worship for some reason
How in the hell did Mao tie that guy up and why didn't he bother to untie him
HOW'D HE SET THE ROCKS ON FIRE USING PAINT
"And then you become frien-" "BEES. IN THE EYES."
"Everyone knows bees are our friends!" "Uh, actually, they were wasps." "Friends to no-one!" Usually I'd agree with BC, but I read an article about someone befriending a wasp and her babies so.
So the Mao clan's just known as the "Golden Cat Family Up The Hill?" Huh. I thought they’d have more recognition, especially since Shin says he went to that same summer camp at the beginning.
Man those kids are jackasses
"Say hi to your mommy!" "I would if she was here..." Excuse me wHAT
Noo don't cry baby boi - tHEN BAO JUST TACKLES HIM ASFHDKDL
"Go away! I don't feel like laughing right now!"
Look. You can see the EXACT point Mao developed his adult personality
I know Mao Mao means well but that is gonna go terribly wrong.
"I AM A HERO! I WILL BE LOVED!!" Okay first of all OUCH, second of all THAT IS PAIN
This monster empty, YEET
Awww it was just a sweet little puppy-ish monster...and it was his BIRTHDAY
"Hi, Aunt Gloria!" (Pulls out pitchfork) BETRAYAL
He didn't feel bad about ruining the festival because he made a friend doing it I 💞💞💝💝💗💗
Thanks for that 'different times' comment cuz I don't want kids thinking being beat is normal.
"Just like you found me...and I'm your best friend!" Tbh I thought she was gonna say 'Me and Badgerclops' & that would make a lot more sense
Why are they fighting over who's his best friend they're obviously BOTH his best friends
I'm sorry did Badgerclops just call Adorabat a "little mutant"?? ARE THE SWEETYPIES MUTANTS??
Awww his friends love him sm...and he feels so loved too...💓💓💗💗💕💕
Try Hard
No one gives a shit about Pinky being kidnapped lol
"K for Copyright Infringement"
"You'll never be like me!" Oof a little harsh maybe?
"You've gotta learn to be your own kind of hero, in your own special way!" So THAT'S where it's from
"You just gotta...try hard." Hey, title drop!
Ngl the moment Mao Mao said "Badgerclops take the shot" I immediately thought of The Confession 3 by TomSka
"Up in a tree, little old me, about to do something...UGLY..." 7-year-old me sniping people on Halo 3 like
Why is he shooting them with gelatin tho? ...oh. Oh THAT'S why.
Tbh if I didn't have subtitles on I would've thought BC was saying "beep boop"
This badger and cat empty, YEET
Adorabat walking into the Skyship with only a walkie-talkie is giving me some sort of vibes...OH, Silent Hill! Or Tattletail
WHOOP HIS ASS SWEETIE
"Mao Mao would hide the body!" Very unsubtle there, wonder how it got past censors
"Ratarang, say something!" "Pasketti?" "THAT'S THE BRAT!"
Wait a sec, they can just use Badgerclops' arm to power the ship? Why didn't they try that in CapturedClops?
"Good thing my head is in here cuz I'm a-scared of heights!" Ramaraffe. Whose whole schtick is making herself taller. Is acrophobic?
"Because she's Sheriff's Department, that's how! >:3" "Also y'all tend to be pretty incompetent >X/"
Why does she keep trying to use the elevator when she can fly? Nvm she climbed up Badgerclops' arm
"Ooooh I'm also hereeee"
"JERK BUTT"
Why is the Omega Field just a bunch of broken glass? And why doesn't she just step around it?
"I can fly!" "She can fly!" "SHE FORGOT?!" Ooh that's why
"You're the best thing to ever happen to a bat like me." 💝💝💕💕💓💓
Wait she's talking through the walkie-talkie and her molts are there but she isn't there where is she?
Oh she was freeing the other two from the gelatin. No wonder Mao Mao almost threw up, it was bug flavored.
GET HIS ASS, HONEY!! ADORASLAP!!
I hope that 'Nah' means Adorabat's realized she needs to be herself instead of her just rejecting her individuality like I think it is.
Scared Of Puppets
Oh, so this takes place after Sleeper Sofa! Praying it's a fix-it episode...
"DISCARD ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T BRING YOU JOY!!" Fuckin Marie Kondo up in here
Oh no PTSD flashbacks. He's scared of them cuz one's head landed on his lap as a kid? Understandable have a nice day.
Who tf collapsed into a sobbing heap on the floor then leaps back up and insists they're fine? Mao Mao, apparently.
Hairless ape? Is that what they call humans or are they something different in general?
"TAKE ALL MY MONEY!!" What did BC want an antique puppet for if he had no idea Mao was scared of them...
Mr. Din Dandalib!
"I...(eye twitch) love him too..."
IM SORRY DID HE FUCKING THROW UP OUT OF FEAR...holy SHIT
If I scared my friend and they threw up I would simply never do that again. RIP to Badgerclops but I'm different
(Badgerclops makes concrete blocks around the pothole) "Why didn't you just fill in the pothole??" "I AM TRYING MY BEST!!"
"I SIGNED YOUR DUMB CAST, NOW LEAVE!!"
...Illegal house plants? ...like marijua-
That was literally just that one video where a guy knocked out another guy in a mask jumping out of a trash can...
So it's a CPR class...AND a hair-styling class? How
I stg the moment Badgerclops walked in the door I knew he was carrying Mr. Din Danalin I SWEAR
"You're 10." "BUT I'M 6??" JFC Shin doesn't know his own son's age AND is partially responsible for his pupaphobia. And I called it on Mao Mao being six in the flashbacks
OH WIG
Can someone take the footage of the Annex exploding and add the ReviewTechUSA intro over it please
"How many Adult Learning Annexes have to be destroyed before you admit you're scared of puppets?!" is extremely funny without context
(Mao punches the wall cuz hes mad at himself for being scared) Kinkinkinkinki
How does one forget to drink milk
Oh shit the scene from the promo...
Yay he's starting to feel less scared - wait NVM it JUST STARTED TALKING??
OG SGUTVKC FGCJ OG SHKR OF DJCN JKKKKK
Oh it was just a dream - er, nightmare. FIRST NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE OF THE SERIES!
"I just gotta get my socks on...wait, I wear socks, right?" Dud e you wear NOTHING BUT A BELT...
"I KNEW SELLING THOSE HAIRLESS APE DOLLS WOULD ATTRACT DARK FORCES"
"There’s a lot of pu-" "PUBLIC DANGER"
Those puppets are alive I stg
"I'M A BIG BOI..."
Awwww she said what he told her at the beginning of the episode!
"I'M AFRAID OF PUPPETS" TITLE DROP YET AGAIN
Adorabat takes after Badgerclops sometimes I swear
Oooh shit sequel hook - oh NVM it was Badgerclops voice acting - NVM Mao Mao passed out. Dang
The Perfect Couple
Watermelon time babyyy
TRANSFORMATION TIME BABYYYY
Ah so he wanted to perfectly cut a watermelon in half, that's why he got so many?
"I need (counts on fingers) 600 more watermelons!" glad to see I'm not the only one who counts on my fingers
Why would Penny and Benny need 600 watermelons for their wedding? Also I called it on Penny & Benny being the couple
Mao Mao has to officiate the wedding? I thought priests did that
Please don’t throw up again Mao Mao
"I WILL BUY YOU A BAG TO HOLD YOUR STUFF..."
"A nondescript sack!!" Dude he just taking out the trash...
Nvm its just laundry
"I WILL TURN THIS BUSH AROUND"
Oh so THAT'S what Ramaraffe thought Kevin was Adorabat
"Why don't you buy me cake and do my laundry?" Are you implying you wanna marry Mao Mao, Badgerclops 👀
I lov Mao Mao's faces in this scene he legit looks like a bishouen anime protagonist
Nvm no transformation it's just his wedding outfit
Why did they invite Orangusnake and Boss Hosstritch to the wedding tho? What about when they hid in their moving truck and used their electricity - wait Badgerclops technically did that last one, nvm
Wait THEY DIDN'T TALK TO EACH OTHER BEFORE THE WEDDING?? What a perfect couple huh
Is Mao Mao having hallucinations just gonna be a regular thing now....
IS PENNY SERIOUSLY GONNA MARRY ORANGUSNAKE OUT OF SPITE ASFSDGFUK
Why did Mao Mao say "melons" in a Spanish accent I'm scared
"They're both terrible, so what does it matter if they get hitched or not?" They're definitely gonna change their minds now
"She lied because she wanted to protect his feelings! And he lied because he couldn't bear to hurt her!" Isn't that just the plot of The Truth Stinks?
OH SHIT HE CUT ORANGUSNAKE IN HALF HOLY FUCK
He made Orangusnake officiate the wedding as punishment lol
Why are they,,,stepping on the watermelons?? Damn right Badgerclops I'd cry over that too
"What's, uh, your credit score like?" "850. Why, is that good?" "It's perfect..." HE WANTS TO MARRY MAO MAO NOW ASDFHKL
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The House Knows
My fill for the Fall Multifandom Challenge hosted by @sporadic-fics and @helplessly-nonstop . Thank you both, this was a lot of fun!
Prompt: They were roommates
Rating: T
Words: 3k
Pairing: Steve Rogers / Bucky Barnes
Other Characters: Sam Wilson, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanoff
Tags: minor injury, stitches, swearing, questioning sexuality, no powers au, there’s no plot, cuddling, cute, roommates au
The place is perfect.
Too perfect.
Enough that Steve Rogers--a guy known for more bad luck than good, who habitually drags himself back to his feet after being kicked down by life and circumstance over and over again, a guy who can’t help but think the best of people--is suspicious. By all rights, he never should have responded to the Craigslist ad. The location, the interior, the number of rooms, even the profession of his potential roommates is the very definition of too good to be true, especially for the listed rent. And it’s in one of the better neighborhoods in Brooklyn.
Except it was so nice, that he couldn’t resist responding. A guy could dream, after all. No one was more surprised than he was when he got a response from a real human being. Or when that same human being answers the door of the gorgeous brownstone that matches the pictures online almost immediately after Steve knocks.
“Hey there, I’m Sam. The landlord,” the guy says, then shakes his hand with a friendly grin.
“Oh,” Steve says stupidly, blinking, willing it all to sink in. Someone actually answered the door. Then he realizes he’s still holding Sam’s hand. He releases it quickly, and rubs the back of his neck, trying and failing to dispel his embarrassment. “Sorry, it’s just. I didn’t think this was actually real. It is real, right? You sure you didn’t mean to throw a zero on the end of that rent?”
Sam throws back his head and laughs. “Oh, it’s real. Don’t worry, we get that a lot.” He steps away from the door. “Come on in. Don’t worry about taking your shoes off, it’s Clint’s week to clean.”
Steve snorts in spite of himself, but takes Sam’s word for it. He follows Sam through the house, and his disbelief grows with every feature. Washer and dryer included. Each tenant has a private bedroom. Landlord pays all utilities. “Even Wi-Fi?” he asks, mouth agape.
Sam clutches his chest like Steve has gravely offended him. “What do you take me for, Rogers? A monster?”
A terrible thought strikes him, and he’s certain his face goes white, because Sam gives him a funny look. “You’re not involved with the mob or something, are you?” Steve whisper-asks.
Sam laughs so hard, he has to bend over to catch his breath. When he’s recovered a bit, he claps a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “I like you. You’re going to fit right in here. If you want it, that is.”
Steve gapes. “If I want it? Are you kidding?”
Sam’s face falls. “Yeah, I get it,” he sighs. “Look, if it’s the bathroom thing, Barnes and Clint have offered to share. You can take the upstairs one.”
“What? Why would you think. No,” Steve sputters. “No, I mean, of course I want it, it’s perfect. I love it, just. Why me? I’m sure you’ve gotten tons of applicants.”
Sam looks at him, his eyes piercing. Steve shifts in place. “You have an honest face,” he says eventually. “And you’re safe. I can tell. At the risk of sounding crazy, I’m particularly good at reading people. The other tenants will love you.”
“Wow,” Steve says. Because how do you respond to that. “So that’s it? That easy?”
“Well, almost,” Sam says.
Steve shouldn’t feel as disappointed as he does. He knows better. There’s always a catch.
“Clint and Barnes have to approve,” Sam clarifies. “They’re both vets, and gay to boot. Last thing I’m going to do is make this kind of decision without their input. They deserve to feel safe in their own homes.”
Steve’s not sure why he’s so surprised that Sam is as considerate as he is. The man has been nothing but friendly, but that kind of empathy isn’t something you see everyday anymore. “Wow, that’s. That’s amazing of you.”
“I admit that I have ulterior motives,” Sam smiles at him. “We gay military types have to stick together, you know?” Then he sobers. “That’s not a problem, is it?”
“Oh no, not at all!” Steve says quickly. Maybe a little too quickly, because Sam eyes him suspiciously. “Sorry, sorry. I don’t have any problem with any of that, I swear! Let people be who they are. It’s just. I know I’m fit, but I never actually served, and I’m straight, so I don’t know if I’m what you’re looking for? I don’t want to make anyone feel unsafe,” he says earnestly.
Sam’s staring at him. Steve feels himself shrinking unconsciously under that scrutinizing gaze. Steve’s fumbling for an apology for wasting Sam’s time, because why would he ever accept Steve now, when Sam says.
“Huh. Well, shit. I could have sworn...”
“What?” says Steve, bracing himself for rejection, already resigning himself to another late-night stroll through the housing and roommate pages.
Sam shakes his head. “Nothing, don’t worry about it. Just, you’re probably going to be the first straight person to live here, ever. It’s actually pretty weird; it’s like the place knows. But yeah, the offer stands.”
“Wait, really?” Steve asks him. “You’re sure?”
“Of course I’m sure,” Sam grins at him. “I may have guessed your sexuality wrong, but I know I’m not wrong about you getting along with the other guys. You’ll like them, I know it.”
“Wow, uh, great! When can I meet them?” Steve asks.
“How about in twenty?” Sam grins at him. “It is about dinner time. I’ll order pizza.”
Sam is an excellent host. He doesn't even blink when Steve politely declines wine and beer, getting him a fancy bottle of mint-infused ginger ale instead. Sam waves off his stuttered thanks. “Don’t worry about it. Barnes doesn’t drink, either.”
Barnes, amazingly, also doesn’t mind when Steve stares at his prosthetic. The man had dropped heavily into an armchair after shaking Steve’s hand and introducing himself as something that starts with a B, but Steve doesn’t quite catch because holy hell, the guy is gorgeous. He has soft-looking dark hair that falls in gentle waves past his shoulders, a jawline perfectly highlighted by five o’clock shadow, and grey blue eyes that shimmer in the light. Steve can’t take his eyes off of him. It only gets worse when he pulls off his baggy sweatshirt, revealing a broad frame and the shiny, intricate limb. The guy clears his throat, and Steve’s eyes shoot back to his face, embarrassment setting his face aflame.
Steve stammers out an apology. “I’m so sorry, Barnes,” Steve says miserably. “It’s rude of me to stare. It’s just that I’m an artist, and the design is stunning.” It probably makes him a terrible person, but Steve’s glad the prosthetic gives him such a good excuse for staring.
The guy just laughs, grinning at Steve. “Don’t worry about it, pal. Everyone does.”
“Doesn’t make it right,” Steve says.
“You’re right, it doesn’t,” Barnes says amicably. “But I’m more offended you’re calling me Barnes, to be honest.”
Steve flushes. Can’t he do anything right? “Sorry. Sam calls you Barnes.”
“That’s because Wilson’s an asshole!” Bucky yells into the kitchen. He cackles at the disembodied profane gesture he receives in response. “Nah, but Sam’s the best,” he grins at Steve. “He’s never in town for very long, but it’s a great time when he is.”
“Aw, shucks,” Sam grins at him when he reenters the room, setting a stack of plates and a roll of paper towels on the coffee table. “I guess you’re pretty okay too, Barnes.” Bucky lets out a dramatic wounded sound, and Steve laughs along with Sam. Sam pats Bucky on the shoulder apologetically. He looks around. “Where’s Clint? At this rate, the pizza will get here before he does.”
Bucky shrugs. “Who knows? Don’t worry, he’ll be here. There’s pizza, and you’re buying.”
“True,” Sam chuckles.
At Steve’s questioning eyebrow, Bucky explains with a smirk. “Clint has a sixth sense for pizza. It’s wild. Just you wait; he’ll be here between the time we pay and the time the pie gets cold.”
The pizza comes, Sam pays, and a guy with short blond hair and chunky hearing aids comes strolling in the door a minute later. “Hey, Sam. Bucky. Ooh, pizza!” he grins, and makes a beeline to the box, rubbing his hands together.
Steve laughs, and Bucky winks at him, a mischievous spark in his pale eyes. Steve blushes in spite of himself.
“What?” Clint says, looking around. His eyes land on Steve. “Oh, hey,” he waves, then goes straight for the food.
Sam laughs. “Barton, put the pizza down for a second and meet Steve!”
“What? Oh, hi, Steve,” the guy smiles at him, then takes a bite of the slice he’s holding. “Ow! Hot!” He makes a grab for his burnt tongue, fumbling the slice. It lands on the throw rug, cheese side down. “Aw, pizza.”
Sam shakes his head long-sufferingly, and Bucky rolls his eyes.
Steve grabs the roll of paper towels and starts to pick it up. Clint shoos him away with a grin. “Don’t worry about it, man. I’ve got it. Happens all the time.”
Steve carries the messed up paper towel into the kitchen to throw it away. “Isn’t he sweet?” Sam’s saying to Bucky when he comes out, and Steve flushes.
“Oh yeah,” Bucky says, turning to face Steve with a grin. “He’s perfect.”
Bucky, as it turns out, is the bane of Steve’s existence. The man’s always smiling at Steve, inviting him to go grab some tea, or come watch a movie. They often stay up later than they should talking about everything and anything. Steve feels like he’s known Bucky forever. So why does the man make him so anxious? At least, that’s what he thinks the fluttering in his chest is. It can’t be anything else. It is distracting, though. Steve catches himself thinking about the guy and that strange anxiety at all hours. It’s really cutting into his drawing time.
Anyone else would have guessed that if any of Steve’s roomates would be the bane of his existence, it would be Clint. The guy is always tripping on the last couple of stairs, or spilling soup on the carpet. Not to mention he’s probably broken more dishes in the time it’s taken fall to turn to winter than Steve has owned in his life.
“You’re the physical manifestation of the term ‘gay disaster,’” Bucky complains at Clint as he helps Steve pick up the shards of the latest casualty, a nonsensical ‘World’s Best Best” etched clumsily on a cheap wineglass.
“I resent that!” Clint pouts. “If anything, I’m the physical manifestation of ‘bi disaster.’” Clint, of course, is banished to the couch. Bucky explained that the last time the guy helped clean up broken dishware, their last roommate had to take him to the local Urgent Care for stitches. “That’s bi erasure!”
“You can hardly blame me. It’s so long that you’ve taken anyone home that I forgot,” Bucky’s saying to Clint, a grin in his voice. Steve’s studiously ignoring them, concentrating on the shards in front of him to try to stop the blush that wants to creep up his neck at Bucky’s smile. It’s just as gorgeous as he is. Steve’s never seen a person so beautiful before, and it’s a daily battle to keep him from humiliating himself. The man was funny, and charming, and Steve has never felt this way about another person before. But they’re roommates, so Bucky’s off limits. And, after all, Steve’s straight. Isn’t he?
The glass, he reminds himself. God, it really had scattered everywhere. Steve has no idea how Clint managed it. Bucky’s laughing. Then something soft but firm hits his face hard, and he’s falling. He sticks a hand out instinctively to catch himself, and is hit with deep regret a moment before a sharp, burning pain.
Clint’s yelling a belated warning.
“Oh fuck, Steve,” Bucky’s voice is saying, and hands are helping him to his feet, guiding him carefully around the glass. Steve chances a glance down, and his stomach lurches at the piece of material he sees sticking out. He fights the haze that’s creeping into his brain, and tries to concentrate on Bucky’s voice, murmuring comforting things as he gets Steve settled onto a kitchen chair. Steve’s mortified at the way his eyes burn as Bucky gently works the shard out, then holds a kitchen towel to the wound, applying firm pressure.
“Oh, Stevie, I’m so sorry,” he says, bringing a spare towel up to dab at Steve’s tears. Steve lets him, still frozen from the event. It’s kind of nice, actually, underneath the embarrassment. “I shouldn’t have been teasing Clint while we were cleaning. Or ducked that pillow.”
“Sorry,” Steve echoes, feeling very small. “I shouldn’t be crying.”
“Sure you should,” Bucky says, putting down the towel and patting his arm. “It was a shock. Completely normal.”
“God, Steve, I’m so sorry,” Clint says miserably from the doorway. “Anything I can do?”
“Grab the first aid kit?” Bucky requests, and Clint nods.
“I can take care of it,” Steve says, embarrassed.
“With one hand?” Bucky raises a skeptical eyebrow. “Just let us help.” The man frowns suddenly, and lifts the edge of the towel. Then his face goes carefully blank.
“Clint?” he calls.
“Yeah?” the man calls back, voice muffled.
“Call a Lyft please!” Then he turns to Steve, and smiles reassuringly. He guides Steve’s free hand to grasp the towel. “Can you hold pressure for a minute, Stevie? I’m going to go grab your shoes.”
“What’s going on?” Steve says, afraid of the answer. But Bucky’s already hurried out of the room. He braces himself, then lifts the towel. Oh, shit.
He ends up getting stitches, Bucky never leaving his side. Underneath the humiliation, Steve feels something warm ballooning in his chest. It’s amazing. It scares him. That feeling only swells when Bucky guides him firmly to the couch when they get back, and settles a throw over him before pulling up Joy of Painting on the TV. They sit together, shoulder to shoulder, and listen to Bob Ross calmly walk them through blocking out sky and ground, then making the space come to life.
They’re three episodes in when Bucky pulls him into a hug. “It’s alright, Steve,” he murmurs, and Steve realizes he’s shaking. “Let it all out.” And Steve does. He’s not sure if he imagines Bucky kissing his temple, but he hopes not. He really hopes not.
He wakes up alone on the couch, eyes sticky, and hand aching. He stares at the ceiling blankly for a minute, before it all comes rushing back to him. God, why is he such an idiot! What was he thinking, crying all over Bucky like that? Now Bucky would never want to go out with him!
Steve’s eyes shoot open. Wait, what?
As he normally does in a crisis, his first instinct is to call Natasha. He hurries to his room, and dials her number.
“Are you in danger?” Natasha asks him, voice tense.
“What? Why would you--no!” he says.
She lets out an exasperated sigh. “What the hell, Steve! It’s almost 2 AM!”
“This is important! I think I like guys,” he says hisses.
“Yeah, I know. So what?”
“You know?” Steve sputters. “What’s that supposed to mean? I didn’t even know!”
“Oh Steve,” Natasha says, fond amusement in her voice. “I’ve known for years. Remember that TA in our Gen Chem Lab?”
Steve does remember. His name had been Brian, and Steve had wanted to impress him so bad. But that was only because Steve wanted to pass, right? He’d conveniently forgotten that he’d lost all interest in the subject as soon as the guy transferred to a new school halfway through the semester. And oh, that would probably explain a lot.
“Oh,” he says faintly. “I never realized.”
Natasha snorts. “Of course you didn’t. So why the call?”
“I’m pretty sure I like this guy, but I just ruined everything,” Steve says miserably.
“Why, what happened?”
“I cut my hand on some glass, and Bucky cleaned me up and took me to get stitches. But then he sat with me on the couch afterward and I cried all over him like an idiot. There’s no way he’s going to want to go out with me now. Not that it matters; there’s no way he feels the same way, he was just being nice,” Steve says in a rush.
“Steve—” Natasha starts to say, but then the door swings open, and Steve jumps, dropping the phone to the floor with a bang.
Bucky’s standing there, face faintly pink and a small smile on his face.
“Buck,” Steve says stupidly. He wishes he could sink straight through the floor. How much did Bucky hear!? “Um. How long were you out there?”
Bucky walks over to him slowly. “Long enough.”
Steve feels himself turn red. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’ll move out, the last thing I want you to do is feel like you’re being oggled in your own home and I—”
Bucky pulls him into a firm hug, and Steve falters. “I like you too, Stevie,” Bucky murmurs in his ear. “I have for a while.” He presses a gentle kiss to Steve’s cheek and releases him. He smiles. “Want to go cuddle on the couch? We can talk about it over boba tomorrow.”
Steve’s cheeks ache with the force of his responding grin. “Please.”
They’re so wrapped up in each other that neither of them hear the exasperated yelling echoing from the phone with a freshly-cracked screen laying forgotten on the ground.
~~~
Natasha forgives Steve eventually, especially once he introduces her to Bucky. The two of them bond over classic Russian Literature, and Steve couldn’t be happier. Clint teases them relentlessly, and takes credit for getting them together. Of course, he also pays for pizza the next month as an apology for Steve’s hand. And as for Sam…
“I called it!” their landlord crows during his next visit, pointing at the two of them where they’re cuddled together on the couch watching a movie, neither of them wanting to move to let them in. Steve and Bucky look at each other in confusion. “The streak is still alive! I’m telling you, no straight person has ever lived here. The house knows.”
“Maybe,” Steve concedes, with a grin. “I’m really glad to be here, all-knowing house or not.”
Bucky pulls him closer. “Yeah?”
Steve pecks him on the cheek. “Yeah.”
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Will the Bell Ring? Pt. 4
[Erik Killmonger x Black OC]
Word Count 5.8k
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
Erik has a meeting one morning to discuss the upgrades he has planned for key components of the new model Boeing airplane that is set to begin manufacturing early the following year. Erik stood at the sink in the master bathroom reciting lines to himself that he had prepared with notes on his phone.
“As you can see, the planes trajectory following take off can be more smoothly….more smoothly...smoother? Uhh-- SHIT!”
Erik curses to himself as the blade angled in the wrong direction, cutting his jaw.
“You ok in there baby?” Kimara calls out from the bedroom.
Erik watches the blood begin to bubble and drip onto his shirt before he could get a tissue to catch it.
“Fuck! Yeah...I’m aight.” Erik calls back.
Kimara is putting on an earring when she walks in to see him. “Oh damn, Erik. You cut yourself today of all days?.” Kimara reaches for the tissue to survey the damage.
“Ain’t it some shit? I gotta be at the office in one hour and I fucking maim myself and stain my fucking shirt.”
“Ohh, now stop.” Kimara pats his chin as the blood begins to clot instead of run. “At least now you have an excuse for the bald spot right around there.”
Erik pins her arms down giving her slight shake. “What I tell you bout that?”
Kimara cracks up uncontrollably. “HAHA! About what?!”
Erik stares her down sticking his chin in her face. “Say it again, I dare you…”
Kimara bites her lips choking back her laughter. “I meant to say...you look very handsome.”
“Uh huh.” Erik says unconvinced but satisfied.
“So now the white men with toupees can swap Rogaine recommendations.” Kimara adds swiftly.
“YOUGONNAADDTHATWHILEIGOTYOUSNATCHEDUP??!!!” Erik barks at a cackling Kimara, tickling her neck and the sides of her torso mercilessly.
“OK! OK! You finna make me pee, STAHP!” Kimara orders in between breaths.
Erik backs off eventually, checking his chin self consciously. “You playing too much this morning. Since this your week for laundry, make sure you don’t forget the softener this time. That shit smell good as hell to let it sit.”
Kimara goes over to the toilet to relieve herself, leaning on her knees as she regains her composure. “Whatever. You got time to eat something before you go?”
Erik pulls off his shirt in all studded and scarred glory. “Nah, I took too much time at the gym this morning, so Imma have to pick somethin up later on.”
Kimara flushes and goes to her sink rinsing her hands. “Ok. Let me know when you get off, I wanna go out.”
Erik pulls out an new shirt from his closet to put on. “Aight bet. You got a place in mind?”
Kimara thinks a moment. “Not really, but I’ll look up some stuff we can come to a decision on.”
Erik shakes his head. “Uh uh say less. I got you. Lemme surprise you with somethin good for once, ok? You got enough on your plate, imma fill it with something tasty, ok?”
“Oh my God, you being corny, but I like it. Thank you…” Kimara says sweetly with smile to match. Erik pulls her to him for a kiss and a goodbye smack on her ass as he finished up and headed out for the day.
Erik’s meeting with the board went on practically without a hitch. Erik was always more nervous during preparation than when it came down to performance. His presentation ran according to his plan and all the old white men looking back at him seemed slightly above average in intrigue over what he had to say. No one was ever too excited for the meetings unless lunch was included, which today it wasn’t. But by the end he got a round of applause and a series of questions that he answered effortlessly. When the meeting was dismissed, the cordialities and congratulations were passed around to Erik which he took lukewarmly. He’d been doing this long enough to know that a handshake and a smile does not a deal make.
“Hey Erik, great presentation today son. You really knocked it outta the park with this one.” Edward Hawkins, the engineering department head and Erik’s boss, says to him.
Erik nods appreciatively. “Sure thing. I looked as deep into it as I could and I’m pretty proud of the outcome.”
Edward subconsciously brushes his comb-over over. “Yeah, it shows, the details were amazing and your stats very appropriate. I wouldn’t be surprised if I heard from Dave tomorrow morning with a deal to move forward with a couple things you proposed today.”
“I won’t hold my breath for news that quick, but drinks on you if that’s the case.” Erik claps Edward on his back and goes to leave.
“Oh, Erik! I did want to talk to you about something. I was talking with some of the board members and we thought you might work better with a team, just one extra partner to kind of share the load.”
Erik puts his hands in his pockets walking slowly to Edward. “Whatchu mean?”
Edward stutters. “Well I-I mean it's a lot of research and money riding on what you do so to protect you and the company, we feel having a teammate with you would be beneficial!”
“Who you want me with?” Erik asks curtly.
“Uh, Bryan actually.” Edward says nervously.
Erik scoffs. “Your son? The intern?”
Edward gets defensive quickly. “Now hang on, he is an entry level employee now and he went to Brown, he has the mental capacity to keep up with you. You think?”
“I don’t think so, nah.” Erik adds.
Edward sighs. “Well hell, Erik. I don’t know what to tell you. But this isn’t an if but a when situation so I just wanted to give you a heads up so you weren’t blindsided.”
“Cut the bullshit man and tell me what’s this really about. I been handling mine, no problem. I thought y’all didn’t have the budget for hiring new people any damn way.” Erik rebuttals. He knew the white folks around there complain most about money. Edward wasn’t gonna pull this over on him so fast.
“It’s not technically a hiring, just a promotion.”
“Ohhhh, that’s nice. Well since I’m babysitting his ass, I expect a heavier drop in bank account, and that ain’t a promise, issa threat.” Erik warns, walking towards the glass doors.
“Oh! Erik, come on! You’re expecting a helluva lot outta me here.” Edward calls out.
“I know you good for it. Make it happen.” Erik walks out leaving Edward to ponder his proposal.
The meeting was the biggest portion of his day, and judging from his calendar, he is free the rest of the day. Erik texts Kimara to see if she’d be down to go out still while he attempts to read her mind for a perfect evening ahead.
In the meantime, Erik calls his cousin to pester. “Aye T! The hell you doin nigga?”
T’Challa sighs deeply. “Yes, N’Jadaka. How have you been?”
“Pretty good right now. I got through with work early so I’m tryna get ready to go out.”
This elicits and even biggers sigh from T’Challa. “N’Jadaka, there is no way I can go out with you again this week. I doubt I would want to for the rest of the year to be honest.”
“Not with you, fuck you mean? I’m talking about Kimara!” Erik says.
“Ohh, well then that is good. You both are doing well?” T’Challa’s tone brightens suddenly at the relief of not getting blasted drunk in the club again.
Erik approaches his office, closing the door and the blinds. “Yeah man, I tell you! These past few days have been so good man, we vibing for real.”
“That is great to hear! She deserves some stress free days concerning all you have planned to do together.”
“Yeah, we haven’t heard back from my doc about the results yet so it’ll be any day. But she hasn’t even brought up nothing bout it. No text reminders about ovulating and shit, no scheduled sex, just regular spontaneous freakin that-”
“Eh eh, N’Jadaka you are overdoing it again!” T’Challa warns.
Erik scoffs putting his feet up on his desk. “Shit my bad. I thought we were having a moment.”
“No your thoughts and desires were having a moment. So on that note, and keep it clean, what do you and Kimara have planned to do tonight?”
“That’s the thing man. I’m still tryna figure it out. I’m bout to pull up some four and five star spots so she can get all cute and fancy for a nigga, you know?” Erik powers up his computer to being his search.
“Doesn’t she usually Asian foods?” T’Challa asks.
“Yeah, them beepbeebop meals and shit? She loves the fuck outta all the side dishes they give with the meal. More bang for the buck she says, but we ain’t been together….probably since we been married.”
“Bibimbap. But good, there’s a Korean grill place that opened up downtown you might want to try with her. I met with Nakia there recently and it was pretty good.”
“Hold UP! You and Nakia went out? Nigga, details!” Erik says excitedly.
“I have asked you countless times to stop calling me that. But yes we did, only to go over ideas about the outreach center .”
“Annnd?” Erik asks.
“Erik…” T’Challa mimicks Erik, but in a stern tone.
“Ooh, ok, you serious using my government name. I see you. So are you still fucking that one girl from the club?”
“I’m hanging up.” T’Challa says.
“Wait wait, you can’t talk to me about that either?”
“I don’t parade my conquests for everyone to hear about.”
“Aha, so y’all still fucking. Ok, well knowin your ass, she must be a serious situation now. Especially if you ain’t giving Nakia the time of day.” Erik says matter-of-factly.
T’Challa hesitates before answering. “We are considering things still, but it is an appropriate adult partnership. Nothing more, nothing less.”
“Well at least you gettin something on the side while you waiting for scraps at Nakia’s door. Listen, what’s the name of that Korean place?”
“Palmi, it is not an uptight place but she will enjoy the atmosphere and food, I’m sure.”
Erik types in the place by name and reads over the reviews. “Cool, this should work. Thanks man.” Erik’s phone dings with a notification from Kimara confirming their night out.
“Ok T, Imma let you go. I got some time to pick some roses up or something to give her.” Erik says getting ready to go.
“Get calla lilies instead.” T’Challa offers.
Erik pauses. “What? She likes them more? I got her roses on Valentines, she liked them just fine.”
“Exactly, that was that manufactured holiday Americans love so much. Lilies are sweeter, more elegant, sends a better message.”
Erik nods. “Ok T, I might try that after all, good looking out.”
Erik clicks off the phone call with T’Challa and makes his way home to get changed. Kimara was still at the studio so he texts her to meet him at the Korean restaurant in an hour. There is a florist up the street from his job that he stops by to get Kimara a bouquet of ten lilies with some eucalyptus leaves.
When he gets home, Erik takes his time washing the funk of white elitist off of his skin and slips into his real nigga attire for the day: dark navy canvas jacket over his chocolate colored Henley with black distressed jeans and timbs. Erik spritz some cologne, just enough to make her lean into him to get a better whiff. He refreshed his locs, banding them atop his head and giving himself a once over, feeling his excitement build as the time drew near. Erik wanted his lady to know she was appreciated and tonight would highlight that for them.
Pulling up to the restaurant, Erik saw her car was already in the parking lot, a soft glow through the tinted windows indicated she is sitting and waiting for him. Erik gets out the car with flowers behind his back as he crouches, hopping over to the back end of the car. He glides toward her driver’s side window before knocking loudly against it, causing her to honk the horn in fright.
“Dammit, Erik!” Kimara shouts rolling down her window.
Erik leans into the window. “Ma’am, there’s no loitering in the parking lot. Spaces for patrons of the restaurant only.”
Kimara turns on the light in her car to check her makeup in her phone. “Made me smudge my lips.”
“That’s gonna be a problem you have all night. Com’ere.” Erik pesters Kimara who gives him a light smooch before reapplying.
Erik opens her car door, helping her out of it. “Babe, you ain’t had to fuck up the game like this! I thought you was coming home from work, I know I ain’t let you out the house in this!”
Kimara wore some denim cut off shorts, making a dream out of her deep toned thighs with flesh colored platform sandals adorning her feet. Her voluptuous frame stood out as her best accessory hugged by her ‘COCO Butter’ baby tee with a scoop neck that let her girls breathe a bit.
Pulling back her wavy 18 inches back, Kimara shrugs. “So what about it? A queen comes prepared for any meet and greet, understand me?”
Erik rubs his chin, not able to take his eyes off any part of her. “That ain’t a fucking problem one bit baby. I just hope these shits don’t wilt from you showing them up tonight.” Erik takes the bouquet from behind him, giving them to Kimara.
“Awww, Erik! These are so gorgeous! And…” She gives them a good sniff. “MM! Good call on that eucalyptus. How did you know I love me some lilies?”
Erik takes her hand and leads her to the restaurant. “I know what my lady like. That’s why we finna feed my Mara well so she can go to bed with a smile on her face, you hear me?”
Kimara giggles. “Good cuz I’m starving too.”
A hostess greets the, warmly before setting them at a table and giving them menus. Erik and Kimara look over the options.
“The pork belly is good for sure, but the marinated bulgogi never fails me either…” Kimara mutters, looking over their options.
“Get whatever you want Mara, you know this better than me. If it’s meat, I’ll eat.” Erik professes.
Kimara calls over a waitress and asks for her two faves to order. “And couple bottles of soju please.”
“What’s a soju?”
Kimara grins sneakily. “Just a little something to warm us up, you know?”
“Ahh, ok. Tryna take advantage of me. I ain’t falling for it neither.” Erik smirks.
Kimara puts a hand up to his face. “Skrrrrt! In ya dreams!”
Erik takes her hand, kissing her knuckles. “You right, woman of my dreams all day every day.”
Kimara rolls her eyes but can’t stop her smile. “So damn corny. I guess all this good mood is cuz your presentation went well?”
Erik screws his face up. “I can be happy to see you too! But...a little bit of work shit too. Mara, I KILLED that shit. Those whites didn’t phase me not one time.”
Kimara gives him a quick applause. “How soon til you know what’ll stick for the roll out next year?”
“Ed made it seem like tomorrow, but realistically I’d give it the end of the week.”
The waitress brings out a tray of little dishes with appetizers for them to share and their bottles of soju with some glasses. Erik and Kimara get their chopsticks ready.
“What’s that?” Erik points to one of the dishes.
“That’s gamja jorim. It’s like potatoes in soy sauce, really good!” Kimara picks a cube of potato up, moaning at the first bite as she bounces in her seat.
Erik tries it out but makes a face. “It’s cold!”
“It’s supposed to be!” Kimara says laughing at him. Erik opens a bottle of soju and takes a swig.
“Yo! You’re supposed to drink it like a shot! You not tryna drive home??” Kimara exclaims.
Erik sets the bottle down, mulling over the flavor. “That’s not bad, weak, but not bad.”
“It’s not weak, it’s just smooth. Your taste buds so used to drinking gasoline, you don’t know good liquor.”
“Not too much on my taste, Miss Thing Thang. I know what’s good, like some meat right now.” Erik whines scoping the restaurant out like it was supposed to fall from the sky.
Kimara tastes a couple more of the other appetizers. “Have some of the kimchi! It’s that red cabbage over there.”
Erik does so, to little fanfare. “I said MEAT Mara!”
On cue, the waitress comes out with a cutting board and the raw meat laid out in two piles, and a side of three dipping sauces for each of them. She runs some oil along the grill in front of them and places some meat on the hot plate, flipping them and plating some for them before wishing them luck and dismissing herself.
Erik sits there flabbergasted. “Imma kills this nigga.”
Kimara places more meat on the griddle. “The pig and cow are already dead, bruh.”
“I mean T’Challa. He recommended this place and he ain’t told me that we gotta cook shit ourselves. That meat is $30 a pop! We coulda went to the store and ate at home!” Erik fumes, taking his bottle of soju up for another gulp.
Kimara thinks about this a moment. “Well I think you’re crazy. I’m thanking T’Challa then when we get home, cuz I guess your imagination lives inside a Big Mac box. Eat!”
Kimara shows Erik hot to lay the meat out and when to tell that it’s ready to take off and eat. After a few pieces Erik is setting up the sliced meats himself and plating them for him and Kimara.
Kimara gives him a handclap of praise. “That’s it! See, This the only time I’ve gotten you to cook for me. Look at God.”
Erik hiccups. “I cook for you before, lyin ass.” Erik clinks a plate down before sloppily eating a piece of marinated beef like a spaghetti noodle.
Kimara takes a sip of soju from her glass. “Oh shit. Erik, gatdammit! You drank too much?”
Erik sits up with a big smile. “Never too much, never too much!” he sings.
Kimara calls over the waitress. “Now I’m gonna have to get up early and get you over here to come get your car. Fucking…” She gives the waitress her credit card and starts to put on her coat.
Erik reaches for Kimara across the table. “Baby….baby...babe….you know this meat was real good.”
Kimara swats his hand. “Yeah, I told you it would be.”
“I know somethin that taste better though.” Erik says before cackling out loud. “I can still eat baby, just SAY THE WORD!”
Kimara breathes a sigh of relief when she sees the waitress come back with her card.
“Thanks for coming you guys! Have a good night!”
“Thank you miss lady, we ‘preciate chu.” Erik says. He looks over at Kimara writing. “Aye! Don’t tip, she ain’t cooked shit.”
Kimara shushes him. “Damn, Erik, shut up! This is a restaurant, she still served us!” Kimara finishes writing out the ticket and her and Erik walk out the door to her car. Erik leans back in the passenger seat until he is completely leveled out. “Come on, sit for daddy…” Erik reaches over Kimara in the driver’s seat.
“Erik, I gotta drive, just go to sleep or something.” Kimara says, backing out of the space.
“My wife got the fattest ass, fattest pussy, fattest titties. Shit too good to let go to waste. That’s why I’m taking you home girl…”
“No, I’m taking you home.” She corrects.
“...You my leftovers. I’m eat that ass up later.” Erik laughs to himself at his dinner puns.
Erik sits his seat upright again after a while. “Mara, I’m sorry.”
Kimara looks over at him. “What’re you talking about?”
Erik leans on her shoulder. “I wanna do right. I wanna be good to you.”
“Aww, you are baby!”
“But you deserve it all, putting up with my bullshit.” Erik mutters.
“You just got a little drunk. I’m not mad at you.”
“I ain’t talkin bout now. I shouldn’t have left you.”
Kimara tenses up.
“Those last days were so good, but I wasn’t ready for good. I didn’t want you cuz you made things nice. But I wasn’t a nice person yet.” Erik says.
“Y-yes you were. I knew you were, that’s why you came back.”
“I wanted to die. T didn’t let me. If it wasn’t for your forgiveness I probably woulda…” Erik slumps down in her lap.
“Watch it Erik!” Kimara exclaims.
Erik twists his face to her stomach to kiss it. “That’s why Imma make us a family. I don’t care what a doctor say, we finna have a cute ass baby. I owe it to you.”
Kimara is silent for a while. “You don’t OWE me a baby Erik.”
“I do, I do. I’ll do whatever to get this done right.”
“Erik, shut up, ok?” Kimara says softly.
Nine Years Ago (Revisit)
Erik had been gone a month, and Kimara had no one she could talk to about it. Her days working at the local community center to teach music to kids was her only escape from the day to day.
“Ok Lala, from the top. Caro mio ben, Credimi almen…” Kimara sat at the piano going over the melody as her sophomore student Lala handled the lyrics. She handled the Italian pronunciations expertly, however getting the traditional operatic tone was proving difficult..
As Kimara played along a cramp in her stomach made her stop playing abruptly to clutch the source of the pain.
“Ms. Walker? Is something wrong?” Lala asked with concern.
Kimara felt horrible all of a sudden as her condition progressed. “No….well, not with you. I’ve got to stop this rehearsal early. Keep practicing on your own and I’ll see you next week.”
Kimara made her way to her car, rooting through her purse for her phone but ran across the prescription pill bottle first. Staring at the label with her name and instructions, she thinks what may have happened had she not gotten them. Could she have gone on without taking them?
Just then a wave of nausea hit her as she opened her car door to kneel out and puke all over the asphalt. The stinging in her throat from the force and volume of it all made her cough uncontrollably, stimulating her gag reflex even more. Kimara gets back in the car, cursing herself for the predicament she has been put in. This was supposed to be the easier way, at this rate she may probably should’ve rethought things.
Sitting in silence for her body to settle down, Kimara’s phone rings, breaking her calm. She finds it in her purse but sees it’s an unknown number.
“Hello?” She asks gruffly, voice strained from vomiting.
“Yes, is this Kimara?” The voice asks.
“Who is this?”
“I am T’Challa, Erik’s cousin? I don’t know if he ever mentioned me but-”
Kimara perks up at the name. “You said you’re Erik’s family? You’re from Africa?”
He sighs. “So he hasn’t told you about me then.”
Kimara grows tense. “Why hasn’t he? But first of all, why are you calling me? Where’s Erik?”
“He is with me, in Wakanda, for a few weeks now.”
“What?? He actually made it there…” Kimara’s voice trails off as she thinks of how Erik told her about the stories of his home, the lost family he was a part of, and claiming his part in it. “I still don’t understand why I’m hearing from you though.”
“He wants to see you Kimara. He wants to talk to you about things, make things right with you.”
Kimara let out a grave laugh. “Ohhh, this is corny as fuck. He is sending his cousin, some foreign dude I ain’t met, to call and ask me to talk to him sounding like a scammer. You tell his ass to bring himself back here on a plane to the States and maybe we will talk. How about that?”
“He can’t do that.” T’Challa says.
“Like hell he can! He got there, he can come back. You calling me? Call him a plane ticket so he can bring his sorry ass back here and say shit to my face. I ain’t crawling nowhere to him. He don’t know what he’s left me with!”
“Kimara, I’m sorry it’s coming out like this, but-”
“I said what I said, T’Challa!” Kimara hangs up in his face. She was fuming as she started her engine and drove off to head home. If Erik only knew….And he always did things like this: do her wrong, then beg to see her and act like nothing was wrong because ‘leave the past in the past’. He smiles his way into her good graces and they’d be cuddled up with her favorite movie and snacks. But this wasn’t college anymore, they were grown now, and he left her vulnerable. Kimara knew they were going to go somewhere this time but he didn’t treat her any different than the girls he ran through in his hoe years. But she was supposed to be different, he convinced her of that. Not anymore, from this day forward.
Kimara pulled up to her place to see a man standing outside of it. It was dark out so she really wasn’t sure who it was, but the deja vu was heavy within her. She slowly stepped out her car and stayed behind it as she shut the door.
“Yeah?” She asked cautiously.
The figure turned around to face her, giving her view of his face. “Kimara, I know this is rude of me to insist, but I have to act on Erik’s behalf. You have every right to be angry, but he needs you right now. I want to help you through that.”
Present Day
The trill of Erik’s phone going off wakes them both up as they take a lazy morning. Kimara barely got a good night’s rest for Erik having gotten too drunk and staggering to bed noisily and sloppily, only then to snore ridiculously loud for almost the whole night. Kimara smacked her pillow at him to stir him but soon as he hit REM sleep, he was Foghorn Leghorn in the sheets.
Kimara rounded off her pillow upside his head once more to get him to pick up his phone, this time Erik has gained more coordination to register his surroundings. He picks up his phone without acknowledging the caller ID.
“Hello?’ Erik asks with a heavy tongue.
“Yes, Good morning Mr. Stevens. This is Doctor Tracy from Jocelyn Elders Fertility Clinic. How are you this morning?”
Erik sits up slowly. “Oh hey, yeah, I think you should be telling me that, right?”
The doctor laughs. “Sure, that’s fair. I would like to speak with you and your wife in person about the results, if you have time this afternoon?’
Erik lightly hits Kimara on her shoulder. “Aye Mara, you got anything to do this afternoon?”
“I always got something Erik, why?” Kimara mumbles.
“The doc wants to see us about my results, but I can schedule it later.”
Kimara shoots up with renewed energy. “Shit! They wanna see us?” Erik nods, covering the mic part of his phone. Kimara motions to him nodding as she gets up and heads to the bathroom.
“Uhh, yeah, this afternoon will work for us.”
At the doctor’s, they sit in a room waiting to be seen. The doctor’s normal office seems as sterile and bland as an examination room with the smell of unidentified solutions and the overpowering whiteness of their surroundings, Kimara’s nerves are on the edge.
“What do you think they’re going to tell us?” She asks.
Erik is leaning on his knees looking blank in his face. “Whatchu mean?”
“I mean, hell, if it was good they would’ve just told us on the phone! Did you fuck up your balls doing your duties overseas and you ain’t told me?”
“Hell nah! Shit like that don’t happen. Females swear guys gets kicked in the balls every other day or somethin.” Erik retorts adjusting himself.
“Well it’s gotta be something. Maybe your time in Africa you got mixed with some shit that didn’t agree with you and wound up making you sterile.”
“Mara, you don’t know anything about Wakanda or vibranium so chill on that theory.”
“Then tell me something I don’t know Erik, cuz you’d be wasting both our time holding back.” Kimara warns.
Erik peers over at her. “The only thing getting wasted is my time and money sitting here cuz ain’t shit the fuck wrong with me.”
Kimara hated when Erik brought up how much he was doing for her by just showing up or dropping some cash on a situation. She wasn’t with him for everything he could do for her, she was with him because she loved being with him, wanted the best for him, and she put in too many years with him to get that notion twisted.
Before she could really let him have it, the doctor walked in.
“Good Afternoon folks. I’m glad you were able to make it on such short notice.” Dr. Tracy greeted them both with a smile and a handshake.
“No problem! We’ve been waiting on these for a little bit so no way would we miss this.” Kimara says, looking over at Erik with a smile, who looked bored with it all.
“Yeah, so whatchu got for us doc?” Erik says scratching his beard noisily.
Dr. Tracy nods. “Of course, so I won’t delay it any further. Erik after reviewing your sample, we found nothing abnormal with your sperm count, their mobility, or make up. You seem perfectly capable of being able to conceive a child with your wife.”
A moment of silence washed over the both of them as they looked wordlessly at one another.
“Soooo, I’m fine? Chamber loaded, no blanks?”
“Erik!” Kimara chides him.
Dr. Tracy chuckles. “It’s ok, I’ve heard all the euphemisms. But you are correct. They are...clear for takeoff!”
“Then why are we not pregnant yet?” Kimara asks in a hollow tone.
“Well, there’s a multitude of scenarios that can contribute to it but what we know right now is that Erik’s sperm is prime for conception and your uterus is beautiful for harboring a baby, just an example of good genetic make up. I would want to be reborn again from you if I had the chance!” Dr. Tracy adds.
Erik grips the bridge of his nose in frustration. “So what do you recommend we do from here?”
“Well honestly I would say to just keep having your regular routine. If you want to keep track of ovulation that’s fine but honestly I wouldn’t put too much pressure on it until it’s been a year of trying. I know they taught us in school it only takes one time, but as we get older and just leaving it up to God, it sometimes takes just that one good day after many for it to happen.”
“Ok. I got the answer I needed. Are we done here?” Kimara says, getting up before she could answer.
“Yes. Like I said folks, this is good news. It means this can still happen naturally and cheaply.” Dr. Tracy says with a slight chuckle that drops to a tight smile when she reads their expressions.
As Erik and Kimara get in her car, Erik starts. “We need a new doctor.”
“What?” Kimara asks with contempt.
Erik taps on his window nervously looking outside. “This one don’t know what she talking bout clearly. How she finna joke about this?”
“I mean, she wasn’t laughing at us, she was trying to make us feel better.” Kimara says.
“Nah, she don’t need defending. She need to give us some real solutions instead of a punchline. This ain’t a night at the Apollo, or is she taking us as a joke cuz we Black?”
“Erik, she gave us good news, right? Are you gonna take any piece of that positivity and just be happy with it? I don’t know why you’re being mean with her.”
Erik scoffs. “Trust me this ain’t mean. I’m just being real. You know these doctors give less of a fuck for us then they do white patients. She would been giving us fertility referrals and brochures and clinics out her ass if we were white. But with us it’s ‘well just keep fucking like you niggers always do’.��
“ERIK! Shut the fuck up! I don’t know what the hell has gotten into you, but you don’t have a damn place to be this upset right now.” Kimara yells, gripping the steering wheel tightly.
Erik’s neck practically snaps to face her. “The fuck is-”
“Nah Erik, you been talkin. Soon as we got there you had stank on you, callin her ‘doc’ and talkin all vulgar. You need to quit acting like such a child! I almost think you WISH your balls were empty.”
“Mara, ain’t nobody-”
“AND NOW you wanna say let’s switch doctors, when we been working with her since I first told you I was worried about not getting pregnant yet. She’s spent all this time with us, changing doctors ain’t easy or quick. You know I’m the one that has to carry this right? I’m going to be the one to have to go through treatments if it comes down to it?’
“I know.”
“Nah, you really don’t Erik! You don’t know what this will do to me having to hear this shit over and over again, when this coulda been mine already.”
Erik’s demeanor softens slightly. “What’re you talkin bout?”
Kimara’s face becomes wet with tears. “It wasn’t this hard, you just don’t know. It could’ve been so damn easy, but you won’t let it.”
Erik looks around out the window. “Where we goin Mara?”
“And you got the nerve to blame the doctors? That’s some bullshit nigga, real fucking bullshit.” Kimara stamps on the brake when she reaches the outside of the Korean BBQ place. “Get your damn car! I’m going for a drive, don’t wait up.”
Erik looks at Kimara with concern. “Mara, that’s my bad about the doctor. I just-”
Kimara clicks the unlock button. “Get out Erik!”
Part 5
Masterlist
Ragtag
@chaneajoyyy @sarcastic-sunshines @muse-of-mbaku@dameshaemonique @fonville-designs@destinio1@bakarisangel @wakanda-inspired@klaine15689 @savageiz @nickidub718@yoyolovesbucky @alexundefined @forbeautyandlife @bakarisangel
#erik killmonger fanfic#erik killmonger x black!oc#shakafic#black panther fic#fanfic#will the bell ring
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ReigenxReader that I promised the people but I suck at titles so I am advertising that fact here instead
“Hellooooo? Anybody there?”
Once again, your voice had to snap Reigen back to attention. He jumped a little, but, used to being startled, recovered quickly.
“S-sorry! I was just thinking about something.”
“The same something you’ve been thinking about for nearly the entirety of this date? Or a new something?”
“The same one, haha...” he trailed off nervously
“You know, you could tell me about it. It might make for interesting conversation.”
Your tone was teasing, but he could see that you were concerned. And that made him feel more guilty than it should have. Still...
“Don’t worry about it! You have my full attention now. What were you saying?”
You scrunched your face. “Okay, well...”
Relief washed over Reigen as you continued talking. He’d have to be more careful. This wasn’t like him. He had his nervous fumbles with clients, sure, but he was always able to bounce back quickly, and he rarely messed up this often. But that was why he was here wasn’t it? That was how it’d started.
He hadn’t thought much of you when you’d first shown up in his office. It seemed standard stuff; your back had been killing you and you blamed it on a curse some “witch” had placed on you. He asked a few basic questions, how old was your mattress, did you do a lot of lifting, etc, and decided on the best “course” and “treatment” for you.
When you paid for it, you lingered a little, like you wanted to say something but were too nervous. He asked you about it, and you mumbled some nonsense before leaving.
It had been strange, but not unprecedented.
But then you came in a few more times, for the same problem, and you seemed different. You were telling the truth about the back issues, he could feel the knots everytime, but you seemed... more relaxed about it. Almost as if it was a joke he should have been in on but wasn’t. Still, since there was still a problem and you were still paying him, he continued to help you.
And then the day that lead you both here happened.
“Listen...” you started after paying for your latest session, nervous like you had been the first time you came in, “I know it’s like. Bad form or whatever to ask someone this while they’re on the clock, but... are you doing anything this weekend?”
He blinked at you a couple times in disbelief, and you began to panic.
“Y-you don’t have to if you don’t want to! I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything because I am a client right now, it’s just I wouldn’t know where else to find you and I didn’t wanna -”
“I do work weekends. But I close early, so maybe afterwards?”
The words spilled out of his mouth without any input from his head. But before he had a chance to really think about it you beamed at him.
“O-okay! Um, hmmm...” your face changed from excited to thoughtful, as you looked him up and down. “I know a place that’s kind of low key and also not super expensive where we could grab dinner.”
In hindsight, he’d realized you were probably judging his income based on his clothing, which made your teasing comment of “Oh wow, when you said ‘after work’ I didn’t think you’d meant ‘right after work’!” sting a little more. Once you’d gotten your yes, it seemed like any lingering nervousness you had was gone. Yet here he was, still very nervous.
Well, nervous wasn’t the right word. Suspicious was more like it. The year he ran his business on his own, Reigen had learned the art of reading people, and in the years since he’d nearly perfected it. But you kept throwing him somehow. Everything about you seemed earnest; the way you lit up when you saw him, how intently you listened when he DID talk, your laugh when he told a bad joke, as far as he could tell, everything else checked out. So why wasn’t he able to shake the feeling something was off?
He was determined to find out.
"So," he began the next time there was a lull in the conversation, "Have any other... spirit problems in the past few days?"
You smiled and let out a small giggle. "You know, I can't say I have! Weird, huh?"
There was that tone again, the one that made him feel like he was missing something. But he continued to play it cool, returning your smile. "You wouldn't be seeing other psychics behind my back, would you?"
"Nope, just you. Guess that makes you special."
He felt his face burn a little, but if you were lying, he couldn't tell.
"W-well, I'm glad to hear you're doing better!" he coughed.
He was certain you messing with him somehow. But how? What was your game? He racked other explanations in his head until...
"...to go?" you asked.
"Huh?"
"Dude, again? I asked if you were ready to go."
Damn it. He'd been caught off guard again.
"Oh, sure!"
"I know you said your car was in the shop, so I can give you a ride if you want."
He probably shouldn't have lied about that, but he had been arrogant enough to assume he could figure you out in a single date.
"Y-yeah, that'd be nice."
He grew more quiet on the ride home, only opening up to give you directions. Eventually you gave up trying to talk about other things, and aside from the music on your radio, the ride was silent.
"Nice place," you said sarcastically (but not cruelly) when you arrived.
"Yep," he agreed in a similar tone.
"Listen, I know it's probably none of my business, but you seemed really distracted tonight. Is something going on with you?"
For some reason, that question rubbed him the wrong way.
"Is something going on with you?" he shot back.
"Huh?"
Your genuine confusion annoyed him even more. "What is your deal?! You're not working for any competition, or possesed, or anything else as far as I can tell. So what was this about?"
"...I'm sorry, I just wanna make sure I understand. Are you asking me why I wanted to go out with you?"
"If that's what you're sticking with."
At last, you seemed annoyed. "Okay, one, I don't know what you mean by 'sticking with', because that is what it was, at least to me. Two, I asked you out because I like you."
"...That's it?"
"That's usually all it takes. Is that hard for you to believe or something?"
And then it hit him what was bugging him. You were just so... honest. Not a thing to hide, not even an attempt. How could you live like that? To a man who made a living basically lying to people, it was infuriating. It was one thing to be like his "student", who more often than not just didn't know when to lie, but to know and to choose not to, at least most of the time... He envied you, your freedom, your confidence, no one could live like that. That was why he was certain you were hiding something.
"Okay, " you started when he was unresponsive for the umpteenth time that night, "Clearly you've got some stuff cooking upstairs, but it's not something I'm interested in eating. So why don't you just-"
"Wait!"
You gave him an irritated look, but also your attention.
"I like you too! And I know I've said this a million times, but I am really, genuinely sorry about tonight. You hit the nail on the head, it was hard for me to buy that you were really into me. Not because I don't think I'm incredibly handsome or charming -because I definitely am- but..."
This was already more than most people knew about him. Being so open made him feel a foot tall. But you looked at him with expectant eyes and he figured he might as continue.
"I just... I'm not used to people being so openly caring towards me. I've had people hit on me, and I have Mob, but that's different."
You were silent for what felt like forever to him, so when you spoke you had his full attention for the first time that night.
"I get it."
"You do?"
"I used to be the same way. It was hard for me to accept others loved me. So I learned to love myself first. You know how I did that?"
"How?"
"I faked it. I pretended love myself, and then one day, I really did."
Ah, so this was how you handled it. When you're the only one being honest, it's suffocating, similar to the way it felt when you were the only one caught in a lie. But when you're honest, and the other person answers that with honesty of their own, it's liberating. Intimate, even. And that was really the basis of any relationship, wasn't it?
He wanted more of that feeling.
"H-hey, speaking of 'fake', you know I'm not really... you know..."
You blinked in confusion a couple times before recogniziton lit your face. "Oh, a psychic? Duh. But I mean, it's not like there's such a thing as a 'real' psychic, right?"
"..."
"... Wait, really?!"
"I may not have powers myself, but Mob and I have run into plenty of very real spirits."
"That's so cool! Oh man, so how do you deal with them? Are they always evil or are some misunderstood? What do they look like? Like people? Monsters? Ooh, have you ever seen a ghost dog? No wait, don't answer that one. That means a dog died, and that's sad."
"More sad than a person dying?"
"Infinitely more."
You both laughed a little at that.
"For real though, I gotta make a list of questions for our next date."
Reigen perked up. "So there'll be a next date?"
"Well, I still like you, despite the rough start, so if you want..."
"Yeah!" he said just a liiittle too enthusiastically, then added after an embarrassed cough, "I mean, yeah. That sounds nice."
You giggled. "Okay. But this date has to end for the next one to begin so..."
With a swift movement, you shifted over and planted a brief kiss on Reigen's cheek.
"Would you kindly get the hell out of my car?" You finished, tone much warmer and affectionate than your words.
"Oh, y-yeah..."
The buckle seemed a little more difficult for reasons definitely not related to his slightly shaky hands and jumbled brain, but after he managed to get out and you exchanged farewells, he realized that was another feeling he didn't mind.
And he planned to make you feel that way next time.
____________________________________________
Alright lads, it's done it's done! I hate it and probably wouldn't share it if I hadn't opened my BIG MOUTH, but it's done!
This is arguably the least romantic romantic reader x fic I've ever done, but as much as I love Reigen, all canon evidence I've seen points to him being rough with love. And that's what was more important to me, trying to keep him in character. I think he deserved better than this to that end, but I did sprinkle in undeniable canon traits (his insecurity and self loathing under a fake confident exterior, the fact that he can drive but doesn't have a car, his distrust of other people, and other things) so hopefully that makes up for it?
I love this hot mess of a man, and if you love him too, I hope you enjoyed this!
#reigen arataka#arataka reigen#reigen x reader#i'm so embarrassed to post this ughdgfggff#just shoot me take me out back and shoot me i wanna die ahhhhhhhhh
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Boots reads Homestuck Epilogue(s) Part 5 - Meat Page 7
==>
Okay, time for Rose and Dirk to talk delicious politics or something.
Heh, customary show-end riots.
Rose, stop causing all of us undue alarm.
Ascending? Is she going to fade out into a concept or something???
Oh shit, Dirk’s doing something similar. Some sort of inevitability once God-Tier is reached or some such.
Dirk has a solution to the problem in the works. That’s... well, Rose already cautioned that that could be ominous. I hope it doesn’t involve decapitation. Or robot bodies, or turning her into an omniscient cueball or something.
==>
Okay, stage play time. I can see a weird-seeming text color choice for Caliborn down below, hm. Time to read down to there...
Ah, the classic finale-callback thumbs down. Nice.
...yeah, reinforcing the point he was trying to make a little less explicitly with his earlier finale of Homestuck that Lord English had really just, sort of, trapped them in this narrative that their ultimate reward would be to escape, realizing it never really mattered too much compared to their own long lives and happiness or something.
==>
Epilogue TWO?????? D:
Okay now it’s, like, Andrew commenting isn’t it.
Oh shit, it DOES suck them up and trap them? Huh. That explains how Jade was dealt with, I’d forgotten. Also because it was one of the huge goddamn unanswered fucking hugepoints that made it seem like a slap in the face when we were told it didn’t matter and-- yeah okay let me just keep reading.
Huh, broken glasses.
And, phew; the ages it takes is from an OUTSIDE perspective. Let’s see what it is from an inside perspective...
==>
Jaaaane!!! :D
Okay let’s read about Janey.
Mhmm, that’s not that surprising... Dirk knew that Karkat was going to run against Jane, but Jane didn’t, even though Dirk was ostensibly “working” for her. There’s definitely a plan here. Maybe it involves Jane and Karkat smooching publicly at the end. ...No, that’s just my wishful imagination talking, isn’t it.
Oh my god she’s screaming into a pillow at hearing she has competition. That’s adorable.
YES, JANE. UNDERESTIMATE KARKAT. YOU WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM LIKE EVERYONE ELSE (though probably platonically). It does upset me that they’ve taken this long to really get acquainted, though; I’ve argued for years that their personalities are naturally compatible as the straight men for all their friends’ bullshit.
In fact, Jane is pretty sure that Karkat Vantas would probably literally burst into flame if too many people happened to look at him at the same time, like a vampire walking out into the sun.
Yes, but he’d get over it. And be a flaming president or something.
In fact, Jane cannot remember a single conversation she’s ever had with him that wasn’t about the economy. She thinks back to one time at John’s eighteenth birthday when Dave engaged her in a rigorous and rather one-sided debate about deregulation and the failure of “neoliberal austerity measures” until Karkat had to come over and put his hands over his roommate’s mouth to make him stop talking.
Oh my FUCKING god, it’s true. Dave’s appropriately liberal in the modern, Krugman-esque, statistically grounded way. Karkat has my vote already.
She’d be happy to accept a graceful, temporary defeat and let Karkat play president for a couple of years. After all, unlike her, he was not immortal.
Hey fuck you. Also, why the FUCK haven’t they used one of the myriad likely ways to extend Karkat’s lifespan basically indefinitely yet??? Heck, JANE could probably do it with Life powers if she crawled back out of her own butt! We already know the Condesce could extend other trolls’ lifespans with weird troll powers so Life powers are almost certainly enough to suffice. >:(
Ohhh, so maybe Jane is just, like... slightly traumatized by trolls? And thus a little tiny bit predisposed against trusting them cause of the Condesce? :(
Interesting how she views her past reliance on / pursuance of Jake as something that made her “weak” specifically.
Okay, I’m getting a slightly uncomfortable vibe that Jane is willing to almost play at seduction with Jake falsely to get his endorsement on--
And she’s willing to do more than that, too.
Okay FUCK, JANE. GET YOURSELF UNDER CONTROL. I’m starting to believe the shittalking the others have given about you! You’d better shape up by the end of this epilogue or what have you.
==>
Okay, trapped John can hear the other three through the walls of their prison or something.
Conversation and musings, conversation and musings.....
Wait, Jade LIVES with Dave and Karkat in that SAME HOUSE and they didn’t even mention it??!?? What is even up with their thing.
Heh, John’s thinking he really could have used a nice kismesis riling him up to better himself. That’s what they’re for, really.
There there, John.
==>
Oh my fucking GOD, Jane rolls with supply side economics??? TAKE. HER. DOWN.
And Jade is just... here? Huh.
Yeah they DEFS weren’t listening.
JADE: especially when JADE: there are much better things we could all be doing with our mouths.....
HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. JADE IS SO INTO EITHER OF THEM THAT THEY CAN’T TAKE IT, CAN THEY. THAT’S FUCKING AMAZING OH MY GOD
Her tail swishes from side to side
SINCE WHEN DOES SHE HAVE A FUCKING TAIL HOW IS THAT SUDDENLY CANON
I’M NOT MAD IM JUST SURPRISED
Wasn’t that something that the ask-responses from Andrew said she canonically DIDN’T have or what the fuck
Since I guess it wasn’t confirmed IN CANON he just decided he liked it enough to offer it here or???? I DON’T KNOW????
Wow why am I all worked up by this all of a sudden. It’s just transferring from her earlier line isn’t it.
three of her bras
Okay no nevermind Andrew’s just fucking with us.
...Even though this can probably still be considered canon. Which only makes how he’s fucking with us work even better, really. I mean, why WOULDN’T he lob this at us on the ten year anniversary and watch us squirm, really. There’s no incentive not to.
--oh wait wait never mind reading further these are just bras from different days she threw over the couch. PHEW. I thought for a second that we were dealing with dog anatomy stuff that would REQUIRE multiple bras on her. Jesus. I wonder if Andrew intentionally phrased things so some people would think that for a minute.
JADE: also you know trolls dont actually have two dicks dave thats an offensive stereotype
Pffffff
Wait, is it that Dave and Karkat’s relationship isn’t quite full-hearts sexual and Jade is incessantly shipping them?? :O
because that’d be hilarious too?? --*reads*
YESSSS JADE BEING SUPER STAT WHIZ WITH HER SUPER PARTOMNIDOG SPACE BRAIN YES
The thing about Jade Harley is that she’s not as good at personal things as she is at other things. Like science, or mastering fraymotifs, or kissing, the last of which she has definitely put a lot of levels into over the past few years because, well, what else are you supposed to do with immortal godhood once you hit the age where the dog hormones start kicking into overdrive?
f uck
dog hormones
i’m wheezing
Alright, Jade’s springing a thorough relationship talk on them. That’s cool. Also she’s throwing statistics in there and I LOVE that now that Jade is older we’re reinforcing just how scary science smart she is, I can’t wait to see other people roleplaying her properly because of it too.
...Yeah Jade would definitely date a chess couple
Jade sighs and crawls closer. She takes one of Karkat’s hands in hers.
JADE: i think wed all work good together
AAAAAAAA :D :D :D
JADE: and i think weve been dancing around that for years now JADE: i wanna try dating for real KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED KARKAT: SORRY IF WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY TOTALLY BLOWS YOUR MIND KARKAT: DATING A SINGLE PERSON, FOR MORE THAN HALF A SWEEP, FOR REASONS OTHER THAN INITIATING THE CONCUPISCENT EXCHANGE OF FLUIDS?
PFFFFFFFFFFFFF OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS PERFECT
Jade being
literally the thirstiest person in this ENTIRE CAST OF CHARACTERS
to the point that everyone’s calling her out on it
in something that’s virtually goddamn canon
holy fucking shit I love everything. I love life. Living in a universe where this hilarious shit happens is fun.
....pFFFF JADE DIDN’T KNOW OBAMA WAS REAL THIS IS AMAZING
Ooh, dueling god-tier powers for petty reasons.
OH NO DICK DRAWINGS ARE LIKELY IMMINENT
THAT OR A CHART
OR BOTH
...yeah her hair would get everywhere, wouldn’t it.
yes make fun of ship names some more
What Jade leaves in her wake is not quite the emotional scorched-earth situation that she was going for, but a few of her needles have definitely gotten under some skin. Dave and Karkat both stare after her, silently caught in their own private rationalization spirals.
So this whole time Jade’s been all “JUST KISS ALREADY” and they’ve been all “what no” and now she’s just laid it all out in the open and left them to it. Yeah that sounds about like what would’ve happened.
Aaaand of course, since this is Dave and Karkat, they just choose to stall some more and play video games. Jade really DOES complete this relationship with her pushing them to accept reality and stop downplaying their own feelings and self-esteem and all. But that’s what I thought would happen BEFORE I even read any epilogue stuff so I’m biased.
==>
Pff, Vriska time.
You’ve now got two bitches of either gender at your side
Vriska, shame! Don’t use that kind of language!!
Yep, this version of her didn’t learn her lesson and is still pretty much completely delusional.
Alright, Real Terezi™ is still flying out in the abyss trying to scoop Vriska out of this jam, cool, cool.
Flailing and spinning, screaming, not being able to see the final event or whatever-- someone save her already we know it’s gonna happen!
JOHN: Emerge from the juju.
Oh. Well, that’s uncomfortably in line with earlier presumably-discredited theories. About John saving Vriska from the black hole the Green Sun left in its wake and all. :|
Yawns too wide and snaps in half? The moment he was dreaming about?
==>
Oh hai Jake. This really IS the perfect time to get to see some attempted-exploitative discomfort between Jane and you. I mean that! The narrative timing is pretty hilarious.
The sunset has turned the head offices of Crockercorp into a shimmering glass monolith—a beacon, if you will, of the future, visible for miles in every direction.
Jane probably likes to think about it that way at least.
Wow, Jane REALLY sounds like she needs to be knocked down a peg or seven.
The whole place is candlelit, and Jane is reclining on her desk, sprawled out like a lounge singer on a grand piano.
OH MY FUCKING GOD JANE STOP BEING A SLIMEBAG!!!! D: D: D:
Thank you, Jake, for coming through and tanking this.
This is not really the kind of conversation you initiate if you’re looking to extract a sexual deal out of someone. It is, however, the kind of conversation that you might have with a childhood friend who has become somewhat emotionally estranged from you.
THANK FUCKING GOD. Jane has been saved from herself for the moment.
Okay I see a whole bunch of paragraphs of black text down below just as these two are likely coming together for a kiss. Uh oh.
...Yep, kiss there. And, uh...
Okay whew, most of it is Jake privately soliloquy-ing to the narrative about the circumstances leading up to this. I can deal with that.
...Oh my god he keeps thinking of Dirk while getting in close to Jane. This is gonna blow up in his face isn’t it.
Reading on....
--Ah, yeah, he just realizes he’s more into Dirk I guess. Ouch. Ouch, Jane.
DIRK: Were you nice to him? JANE: Well, I... DIRK: I told you, you can’t be nice to Jake. JANE: ...
PPFffffffffff
DIRK: Why don’t you leave Jake to me?
Now ain’t that telling?
Ooh, getting down to plot business with Rose.
==>
Back to John. I see a bit that says “Listen” there, is he going to hear Vriska screaming? Or is Terezi going to pick her up? Since, like, I mean she has the jetpack and has been searching for her longer and stuff.
Yep, big ol’ LE tantrum. Though alt!Calliope seems at least as much at fault for the end of the universe as him, if not moreso.
Ah, right, Andrew wanted us to THINK he’d hear Vriska screaming just so he could troll us like that. Makes more sense, anyway.
Huh, the Juju just pops away.
OW. Down a spare Rose, just like that, huh? Probably part of why main Rose knew what the plan was supposed to be for all this.
Ah right, can’t use your Green Sun powers here, Jade.
OW. Another quasi-doomed side-character death.
Yep, you have to make a tough, leaderly decision and let go. :C --Oh crap, you saved her body. Are you gonna put the ring there or what, I’m not sure where that’s going plotways.
Pff, the whole fight going south just due to John losing his glasses... that’s pretty funny from a perspective.
Oh huh, real ghost Tavros gets nuked.
Oh shit, Meenah’s going in! Don’t die, I actually care about this version of you!!
--Ah, thrown out and fate unclear, that’s a bit better than clear death.
Hm, Davepeta vs English round two? I wonder what the purpose of all of this really is, anyway, beyond just a sense that some only implied-wrapped-up things are being actually wrapped up? This whole Meat arc? Is Candy going to be ultimately more important to everyone, as was part of the point, or? Huhhm.
Final Round!!
Hammer buffet!
Slight obligatory feelings allusion via hammer!
Oh no! VORE!!! D:
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < wrow you almost got vored to death
Phew, avoided
Ow, another decapitation. There’s a killing blow and being trapped forever in a black hole for LE to look forward to, though. Weren’t there theories about him being trapped forever at the center of that black hole or whatever? Huh. I mean there WAS the garbage disposal that his metaphorical Jigsaw-head gets stuck in early in the comic after all.
Alright, Davepeta sticks him in there? Cool.
Yeah, you just had to remind us that he’s going to be plunging into his dead sister’s gaping hole, didn’t you? >:|
Davepeta. How they were so unfettered and brave. How they sacrificed themselves by flying right into the black hole like...
Like a fucking piece of garbage, you can almost hear Dave saying. May God rest his soul.
Yup. Closing another callback. Why is it silent, though? Did the black hole stop sucking now that it’s gotten almost everything but John, or is it just his blackout? I mean, is the end of everything just a thing that “happens” (which is still pretty fine, Paradox Space had a pretty good run), or did it just stop, or is it yet to be resolved or re-John-creates-Paradox-Space’s-beginning-because-hes-the-only-thing-left-constituted if he inexplicably doesn’t die from his heroic wounds or? And Terezi definitely didn’t go flying around Paradox Space’s dying remains just to get sucked in too, right? I definitely haven’t seen the whole picture yet I guess.
==>
Alright, back to Rose... actually this post’s getting long so I’ll cut here and keep going in another post.
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Fanatics 68
Zim runs for mayor against Charles Von and Celio Mussolini. Previous! Next!
Zim for Mayor
Johnny yawns as he falls onto the couch. Stretching, he turns on the TV to some random sitcom.
“Breakfast is ready,” Squee announces as he walks into the living room, handing Nny a plate of fried eggs. “What are we watching?”
“I don’t know, some dumb show,” he replies as Squee sits beside him.
The screen suddenly changes to the news broadcast title with a woman announcing, “breaking news!”
“Ooh, I hope it’s something interesting,” Nny says.
“The mayor is resigning,” the newscaster declares.
“Ugh, boring.”
The city hall is shown on the TV with the reporter standing outside it surrounded by a crowd of people. And standing on the steps is a man who looks much older than he is, with huge bags under his eyes and a shaggy suit that probably used to fit him properly.
“Behind me is the soon-to-be former mayor of our city,” the reporter says, “now, mister former mayor, you’ve been mayor for almost five years. Why resign now?”
The mayor twitches and fidgets as he addresses the camera. “It has been a very…eventful five years. But I feel that it’s time to let someone else suffer-ah, I mean, t-take the wheel.”
“What sort of challenges are to be expected for the new mayor?” the reporter.
“Ch-challenges, yes. Like uh paperwork and-and um t-taxes and-and the monsters and ghosts and murders. Oh so many murders! I can’t take it anymore!”
He rips off his tie and leaps off the staircase, screaming hysterically as he races off into the distance.
“Well, there you have it,” the reporter says, “a new mayor is needed. Elections will begin immediately for any and all applicants.”
“What kind of person would want to be mayor of this city?” Squee scoffs as he takes a drink of his juice.
“I shall apply!”
The familiar voice on the TV causes Squee to spit out his juice and both him and Nny to quickly sit up. The camera pans around as Celio Mussolini approaches the city hall, dressed in a fancy suit with two large men flanking him. The crowd can be heard whispering excitedly to one another.
“Yes, I shall run for mayor!” Mussolini says again once he’s at the top of the staircase. “I promise to be a fair and compassionate leader.”
“Celio Mussolini, the head CEO of Mussolini Banks, the biggest bank chain in the city,” the reporter announces, “the richest and perhaps the most powerful man in the city, running for mayor. I think that makes this election pretty cut and dry.”
“On the contrary.”
The camera pans around again, revealing Charles Von, another rich man of the city who is secretly a vampire. He smiles warmly as he walks up the steps of city hall and stands next to Mussolini, who’s glaring at him viciously.
“I too shall run for mayor,” Charles announces.
“Unbelievable,” the reporter exclaims, “Charles Von, a rich philanthropist running against Celio Mussolini. What a race!”
“Mussolini cannot be mayor,” Squee says, “Nny, we gotta do something.” “What do you expect me to do?” he asks, “I can’t vote. I can’t even go on planes.”
“Well, there’s gotta be something we can do.”
“A debate will be held Monday followed by the election,” the reporter explains, “candidates will have until then to explain their plans for office and gather supporters. That is all for toda-.”
“Wait!”
The camera pans upwards just as what looks like a small rocket flies overhead. Something drops down the rocket and lands just behind Charles and Mussolini. They stand up and point dramatically to the sky.
“Zim will be mayor!”
Squee sighs and leans back in the couch. “Saw that coming.”
“Amazing!” the reporter exclaims, “a third mystery candidate has just appeared! What an election this shall be! Who will be the new mayor of our city? Who will you choose? I can’t wait to find out!”
The show cuts out and changes back to the sitcom.
“Why does this feel more like a gameshow?” Johnny mutters.
Squee frantically grabs him arm. “Nny, I need you drive me to city hall.”
About half an hour later, Johnny pulls his car over a couple blocks from city hall. It’s busy so there aren’t many parking spaces.
Squee quickly jumps out of the car and races to city hall. There are a couple reporters outside but no sign of Zim. He quickly goes through the glass doors and looks around. Office workers are milling around, talking to one another.
Squee looks back as Nny catches up to him. They glance at each other.
“Excuse me, can I help you?” one of the workers asks, startling Squee.
“Er, yes. I’m looking for…one of the candidates…?” he replies.
“Oh, sure, follow me,” he says and leads Squee and Nny deeper into the building, to a second floor hallway. “Who is it you’re looking for?”
“Zim…?”
“Oh, that one…” he says awkwardly then clears his throat. “Uh he’s in the third door on the left.”
“Thank you,” Squee says as he lets himself in.
The door leads to a small meeting room with a round table in the middle and a large window on the far wall. Dib, Gaz, and Pepito are already here, with Zim standing at the front of the room.
“Ah, Squee, perfect timing,” Zim chimes, “please, take a seat.”
While Squee sits with the others, Zim eyes Nny suspiciously as he leans against the wall.
“Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just here to watch,” Johnny says, “this looks like it’ll be hilarious.”
Zim scoffs and faces his teammates. “Now that we’re all here, we can begin.”
“Zim, you’re actually gonna run for mayor?” Squee questions, “you know this crazy, right?”
“I’m not just gonna run, Squee, I’m gonna win,” he declares, “and you’re all gonna help me.”
“Squee’s right, Zim,” Dib says, “you can’t just randomly run for mayor. There’s preparation you have to do beforehand. You have to make yourself known to the public, you have to-.”
“Dib, you’ll be my campaign manager,” Zim announces.
“C-campaign manager? Really?” Dib questions, clearly elated.
“Gaz, you’ll be my bodyguard.”
“I do like knocking people’s heads in,” she nods, approvingly.
“Pepito, you’ll be my hype man.”
“I do enjoy hype,” he smirks.
“And Squee, you’ll be in charge of the smear campaigns.”
“You want me to reveal bad things about your opponents,” Squee says, “one’s a vampire, the other’s a mob boss. Shouldn’t be too hard.”
“That’s the spirit!” Zim cheers, “now we only have two days to get people on my side so we have to work fast. Any questions?”
“Yeah, I have one,” Johnny says, raising his hand. “What the hell is this election?”
“This election is my first step to being ruler of Earth,” Zim declares, “and nothing is gonna stand in my way.”
Zim stands in the meeting room, looking through the window. From here he can see out onto the main street. The yard in front of the building is full of reporters. Passersby go about their business up and down the street. Zim watches them, grinning.
“I can get used to a view like this,” he says, “what do you think, Gaz?”
She’s sitting in a chair, her feet up on the table as she plays on her Game Slave. “Huh?” she grunts, barely looking up. “Oh uh yeah it-it suits you.”
Zim smiles agreeably and looks back outside. The peacefulness is suddenly ruined when Dib kicks the door open. He kicks it closed behind him as he walks in, carrying a large stack of binders and books.
“What’s all this?” Zim asks as Dib drops them on the table.
“This is my work as your campaign manager,” Dib replies, “first, the polls.” He takes a paper off the top of the pile and lays it down on the table. It shows a bar graph with two long bars and an empty space where a third bar would go.
“Currently Von and Mussolini are tied for popularity,” Dib explains, “whereas you are virtually non-existent.”
“What? This is an outrage!” Zim exclaims, “everyone should love Zim!”
“Relax, don’t get upset,” he says, “this was to be expected. The public doesn’t know you yet. But they will after your press conference when you reveal your campaign.”
Dib grabs the top binder and flips it open. “More paranormal investigators; ghost detectors, holy water, and silver bullets equipped by all police officers; laser turrets on all rooftops for impending alien invasions-.”
“Maybe we should also do something about getting better supplies in schools?” Gaz suggests.
“Yeah, yeah sure,” Dib says dismissively, “and paranormal studies in schools. Also-.”
He’s cut off when Pepito kicks the door open. “Everyone shut up! I’ve done it!”
He walks in carrying a rolled up poster. He knocks all of Dib’s stuff to the ground and slams the poster onto the table.
“Pepito!” Dib squeals, “do you have any idea how long it took me arrange that?”
“Who cares, Dib,” Pepito scoffs and points at his poster. “This is what an electoral campaign is really about: the campaign slogan.”
“Behold,” he smirks as he unrolls the poster. “We can’t do it; but Zim Can!”
On the poster is a drawing of a black-gloved hand doing a thumbs-up with the words ‘Zim Can’ in big pink letters next to it.
“Pepito, that’s perfect!” Zim exclaims, “I want this printed on anything and everything with a flat surface.” “Way ahead of you, Zim,” Pepito says, “I stopped at the copiers store and got it printed on loads of posters, fliers, pins, hats. By the end of the day, everyone in the city will know Zim Can.” “Yes,” Zim smiles excitedly, “this is going great.”
Pepito grins as he steps over Dib, who’s scrambling along the floor trying to gather all of his papers, and leans against the table next to Gaz.
“You look busy,” he comments.
“Oh, yeah,” she grunts, “real busy work being Zim’s bodyguard.” He looks around. “So where’s Squee?” “He’s working on the smear campaigns,” Zim replies.
Meanwhile, across the city, Johnny drives his car with Squee in the passenger seat, and Devi and Tenna in the back.
Squee is busy scribbling in his notebook. He’s written ‘Charles Von’ with a line connecting to ‘vampire’ and a line connecting that to ‘Need Proof!’
“Thanks for coming with me, guys,” he says.
“No problem, Squee,” Devi says, “but um…are you really supporting this? Like does no one see anything wrong with Zim running for mayor?” “Oh there’s lots wrong with it,” Johnny replies, “but it’s hilarious so who cares?”
“Actually, Devi, I really believe in Zim,” Squee says, “I think he can be a great leader. That’s why I wanna help him.”
“Even if it means writing a smear campaign on the most dangerous man in the city?” Devi asks.
“Ah, Charles Von isn’t that dangerous.”
“I wasn’t talking about Charles Von-.”
“Oh, right here, Nny,” Squee says.
Johnny pulls the car over on one of the richer streets, close to Charles Von’s house. And parked a little ways ahead is a familiar van.
“Huh, that’s the Night Terror’s van,” Squee states. He gets out, walks up to it, and knocks on the side door. After a few seconds, Aron answers, looking as exhausted and ragged as ever.
“Oh, hello, Squee,” he says.
“Hi, Aron,” Squee responds and peeks inside. No one else is here. “Where is everyone?”
“Eh, Serena’s dad had her move back in and she invited them to stay for a while,” he replies.
“Wow, that sounds like a terrible idea,” he comments.
“Yeah, that’s probably why she did it,” Aron shrugs, “what are you doing?”
“I’m working for Zim, one of the mayoral candidates,” Squee smiles, “I have to write some smear articles on Von and Mussolini.”
“Wow, really playing with fire there,” he comments.
“Eh, I’ve done worse,” he shrugs, “hey, you’re a reporter.”
“Barely.” “Wanna help?” “Sorry,” Aron replies, “I’d like to stay as far from Mussolini’s bad books as I can.”
“That’s understandable.”
“But I do have a file on Von you can have.”
“Why do you have a file on Von?” Squee asks as Aron goes to the front of the van and grabs a folder bag.
“I uh wrote a story on him for one of my classes,” Aron explains, “did a lot of research for it. It wasn’t gonna get published so I figured I’d be safe. So if you do publish this, leave my name out of it.”
“No problem,” Squee smiles as Aron hands him a folder. “Thanks, Aron. This will make it much easier.”
“Not if you’re writing a smear campaign,” Aron mutters as he sits in the front seat.
Squee glances at him curiously but doesn’t ask anything as he goes back to the car, flipping through the files.
Back at the city hall, the candidates are taking turns doing press conferences on the front steps. Mussolini has gone first. Zim, Dib, Gaz, and Pepito are watching from the meeting room window.
“With a face like that, I’d stay away from cameras,” Gaz comments.
“It just shows how scary he can really be,” Pepito says, “if he tried to hide his scars, people would make fun of him. But because he shows them off, everyone is intimidated.”
“He won’t be so intimidating when I take him down in this election,” Zim sneers.
“Von will be up soon, and then it’ll be you,” Dib says, “we better get down there and start preparing.”
“Right,” Zim nods. They leave the room and start heading downstairs.
“Here are your cue cards,” Dib says as he hands him a stack of about twenty cards. “Each of them contains different points on your campaign.”
Zim starts reading through them. “Satellites for alien detection. Funding for monster hunting equipment. Searchlights for UFOs.”
“Jeez!” Pepito exclaims, exasperated. “Being a leader means doing what the people need, not what you want. And I do mean you specifically,” he says, pointing at Dib.
“Fine,” Dib huffs and pulls out another set of cards. “I did make a ‘PR’ set. It contains things like housing for the homeless, more school supplies, and a larger budget for emergency workers.”
“That’s better,” Pepito nods approvingly.
As they reach the first floor, they run into Mussolini walking with his lapdog, Carson. Carson looks away but Mussolini glares right at Zim.
“This ‘charade’ you’re putting on is adorable,” he says, “but now would be the perfect time to shut it down. I will not be beaten, especially not by a delusional insect.”
“The only delusional one here is you,” Zim retorts, “thinking you even have a chance at beating me.”
“I guess we’ll find out, won’t we,” Mussolini snarls as he walks by. They glare at each other the whole time until he’s disappeared from view.
“This is why I love politics,” Pepito grins.
Zim, Dib, and Gaz laugh as they approach the front door and wait for Von to finish his turn.
Zim slides into the meeting room, arms up, cheering, “woo!” Dib, Gaz, and Pepito follow close behind, grinning ear to ear.
“That was great!” Zim exclaims happily, “everyone loved me! Don’t you think? Don’t you think they loved me?”
“You did great, Zim,” Dib says, “you were collected, professional, and you made your views very clear. I think your polls are gonna raise exponentially.”
“And the ‘Zim Can’ hashtag is trending on Twatter,” Pepito adds as he scrolls through his phone. “This is going great!”
“You’re all saying great too much,” Gaz grunts, “but I will admit this is going better than I thought.”
“And it will go even better when Squee finishes those smear campaigns,” Zim says, “I wonder how he’s doing.”
Almost on cue, Squee bursts into the room, looking disheveled and a little panicked. “We got a problem,” he sighs.
The mood in the room changes almost immediately as Squee walks in and drops a folder on the table.
“Charles Von is clean,” he states.
“What?” Dib questions, “he can’t be clean.” “He’s squeaky clean,” Squee insists, “half of his income is given to the city and major donations; he is quoted multiple times as to saying how he’s all about ‘family values’ and ‘taking care of the planet’; and no one in his family drinks real blood. It’s all some kind of blood substitute. He’s like a legitimately good person. If he’s got any dirt on him it’d be his kids, but he’s got them on a tight leash right now. He even had Serena move back in so no one can say he’s not a family man.” “This is not good,” Zim grunts.
“That’s not even the worse part,” Squee says, “I think Mussolini is gonna rig the votes. I broke into his building earlier and I saw a bunch of his people compiling fake but realistic ballots all with Mussolini’s name checked. He’s gonna cheat and with his connections I have no doubt he’ll succeed. Against Von, you stand a fair shot. But against Mussolini, no one will win.”
Dib, Gaz, and Pepito look down despairingly. Any hope they had and fun they were having has been shattered.
Everyone looks up with surprise when Zim starts laughing, maniacally, hysterically. He settles down as he looks out the window at the sunset.
“And here I was thinking this election was starting to get a little boring,” he chuckles. “So Mussolini wants to play dirty, does he? Well, that’s my favourite way to play.”
He spins around, slams his hands onto the table, and faces his team, grinning. “If Mussolini is our only real threat, then we just have to take him out.”
“But how? If we do anything uh unsavoury, it could ruin your running,” Dib points out.
“Mussolini’s the unsavoury one,” Zim retorts, “and we’ve gonna prove it for everyone to see.”
Grins spread across the faces of Dib, Gaz, Pepito, and Squee as their minds start spinning with plans and schemes most sinister.
Monday morning: the day of the big debate, followed by the election. Everyone has gathered in the town square to watch. A stage and a jumbotron have been set up so everyone will be able to see and hear the candidates clearly.
Johnny, Devi, and Tenna are amidst the crowd. Tenna is snapping lots of pictures while they wait for the debate to begin.
“So this is really happening,” Devi says, in somewhat disbelief. “They’re actually serious about this.”
“Squee left the house pretty early this morning so I’d say, yes they are,” Johnny nods.
“You think he’s actually gonna win?” Tenna asks.
“You know what, as long as Mussolini doesn’t win, I don’t care,” Devi declares.
“Either way, it’s gonna be fun,” Nny grins.
Meanwhile, on the main road, a van is parked displaying Mussolini’s campaign slogan. Mussolini is sitting the back, straightening his suit. Two of his men are sitting in the front seats, listening to him ramble.
“…and make sure the ballot box gets switched out as soon as the voting is closed,” he orders, “and keep an eye out for those kids. I cannot let this be ruined by those meddlesome brats. If I miss this chance, I won’t get another one for years.”
He looks at the front seats with annoyance. “Hey, are you listening?”
“We heard every word,” the left one says as they both grab the brims of their top hats and turn around, grinning. “Scarface.”
Mussolini flinches back as the Doughboys step out of the seats. “You two!” he exclaims. He starts to grab his cellphone when Sickness and Reverend Meat suddenly pop out from behind his seat. They grab him before he has a chance to scream.
Meanwhile, in a building overlooking the town square, Zim watches the debate stage through the window. They’re still setting everything up but it’ll be ready soon.
“How’s it going, Dib?” Zim asks as he looks back into the room. It’s pretty empty except for a table that Dib is leaning over, typing on a laptop. Gaz, Pepito, and Squee are crowding him, watching him work.
“Almost done….and there!” Dib announces, “we’re patched into the jumbotron. One push of a button and the webcam will broadcast everything.”
“Excellent,” Zim purrs and wrings his hands. “Now after Mussolini gets here, get it going on my signal.”
There’s a knock on the door. Squee quickly opens it and the Night Terrors walk in, leading Mussolini with a bag over his head and his hands bound behind his back.
“Thanks, guys,” Squee says, “now make yourselves scarce.”
Reverend Meat salutes before they disappear out the door, closing it behind them. Squee unties Mussolini’s arms and takes off the bag. He looks around with surprise then glowers angrily.
“You little cockroaches,” he snarls, “you realize what you’ve done? You are gonna be in so much trouble.”
“What about you?” Zim asks, “cheating on the ballots? How do you think everyone will respond to that?”
Mussolini blinks with surprise and smirks. “So you found out about that, did you?”
Behind his back, Zim points his finger. Dib immediately taps his keyboard, activating the webcam.
Outside, the debate mediator takes the stage and says into a microphone. “The debate will now begin. Could the candidates please come to the stage?”
Charles Von walks onto the stage and takes his place behind a podium. But none of the other candidates follow.
“Uh, Mr. Mussolini? Zim?” the mediator questions.
The audience mutters questionably and looks around.
The jumbotron suddenly blinks on, showing Mussolini in a dimly lit room.
“That’s right, I’m rigging the ballots,” he says.
Everyone starts exclaiming with shock and confusion. Johnny nods and smirks. “It’s getting good.”
“How could you betray the trust of all those people?” Zim asks.
“They’re morons,” Mussolini snaps, “those blind sheep wouldn’t know greatness if it regularly stole from them.”
“Like you do?”
“Exactly. And they have no idea. They never know anything. That’s why I had to make sure that I win.”
“Why do you wanna win so badly? You’re already the most powerful man in the city.”
“It’s not enough,” Mussolini says, “I have to be on top, not just on this one horse town, but on the world.”
“And you don’t care who you hurt along the way,” Zim sighs.
“Of course not!” he guffaws, “all those people out there, they’re just a staircase to help me climb my way to the top. I’ll steal what I have to, murder who I have to! Nothing’s gonna stop me!”
Zim grins and bends forward so he’s looking into the laptop’s webcam. “You heard it here first, folks! Mussolini’s a thief, a murderer, and a fraud! Is this really the man you want to be mayor?”
The audience outside immediately erupts into a cacophony of ‘no!’ Mussolini blanches.
“What…” he breathes and looks outside. From the window he can see the jumbotron, with his face on full display.
“You…” he says with disbelief then snarls. “You…set me up!”
“For the people!” Zim declares, “to liberate them from your tyranny! To give them the respect they so deserve!”
Mussolini flushes angrily. He reaches into his coat and whips out a handgun. He points it right at Zim, who doesn’t even flinch, and pulls the trigger. But nothing happens.
“What!” Mussolini exclaims and constantly squeezes the trigger of his empty gun.
Behind the laptop, Dib leans in close to Squee and whispers, “nice touch having them take out the bullets but leave the gun.” Squee grins and they snicker quietly.
Mussolini tosses his useless gun to side and races for the door. Gaz and Pepito step in front of it, cutting him off. He steps back uneasily.
“You’re not going anywhere, Mussolini,” Zim states, “you will pay for your crimes. In fact, I think I hear your retribution right now.”
Sirens can be heard in the distance, slowly getting closer. Mussolini looks around frantically for an option but finds nothing.
Zim grins contently and approaches him. He leans in closer and whispers so the webcam can’t hear him. “Consider yourself lucky. If it were up to me, I’d end you myself. But being a leader means doing what the people need, not what I want.”
Mussolini starts trembling. He falls against the wall and barely holds himself up. “N-no. No. You can’t do this to me. I’m the most powerful man in the city.”
Zim chuckles as he steps back. “Not anymore.”
Mussolini blanches and falls to his knees. The police arrive after a few minutes. They arrest Mussolini and lead him away. As soon as they’re gone, Zim swipes his hand across his neck, motioning for Dib to cut the footage. He closes the laptop and the jumbotron goes dark.
“Mission accomplished!” Zim cheers. Everyone laughs as they crowd together.
“Nice acting,” Pepito comments.
“Why, thank you,” Zim replies.
“God, I wish I could like bottle the expression on Mussolini’s face,” Squee beams.
“Yeah, let’s see how powerful he is in prison,” Gaz laughs.
“He’ll never forget this moment and neither will we,” Dib says.
They laugh victoriously for a minute but quiet down when they hear something outside. The audience is raucously cheering and shouting, “Zim Can! Zim Can! Zim Can!”
The kids watch from the window, bewildered for a second. Then Dib smiles and pats Zim’s shoulder. “Well, you better go please your adoring fans.”
Zim beams. He steps onto the window sill and leaps out. Rockets pop out of his PAK, propelling him through the sky. He lands on the stage and throws his arms into the air. Everyone starts cheering even louder.
Dib, Gaz, Pepito, and Squee lean against the window and watch, smiling proudly.
“There’s gonna be no living with him after this,” Pepito says. The others laugh.
“Zim will not be mayor.”
“Despite winning the race in a landslide,” the newscaster explains, “Zim will not be made mayor after a background check revealed he is just a high school student. As a result, Charles Von is now mayor.”
“In other news, Celio Mussolini, head CEO of Mussolini banks, has been tried for multiple counts of fraud, theft, and murder. An internal investigation will be held in his company to find any other corrupted individuals. And now-.”
Zim turns off his TV and leans back in his couch. Dib, Gaz, Pepito, and Squee join him in a collective sigh.
“You know, in hindsight, we really should’ve thought of that,” Gaz points out.
“Yeah,” Squee nods, “sorry, Zim.”
“No need for apologies,” Zim says, “I may not have won the election, but we did put Mussolini away, which is a big victory for us.”
The others nod agreeably.
“And,” he adds as he stands up. “For a second, no matter how brief, I got a taste of how it felt to be a real leader. And it was glorious.”
He faces his team, smiling. “Next time, it will be for real. That’s a promise.”
They smile proudly.
“And when will next time be?” Dib asks.
“Who knows,” Zim shrugs as he sits back down. “There’s no need to rush. I have all the time in the world.”
“So what now?” Pepito asks.
“I don’t know,” he replies, “you guys wanna watch a movie?”
They all nod agreeably and settle in for an easy night.
#Invader Zim#Invader Zim fanfiction#Johnny the Homicidal Maniac#Johnny the Homicidal Maniac fanfiction#IZ JtHM crossover#my ocs#my art
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Reacting to X-Men: Evolution
An Entry Into the "Popular Girl Who Isn't a Bitch" Genre
The Setup: Find Miri and guest reactor Caroline’s reaction to the 90s X-Men cartoon, specifically the Dark Phoenix Saga, here. This installment directly continues that conversation and covers both X-Men: Evolution and comparisons between the two series.
Among other things, Evolution has the distinction of introducing Laura Kinney, a.k.a. X-23, who soon migrated to the comics, and whom most people now know from Logan. But as previously established, Miri is especially fond of Evolution’s Rogue, so for comparison to the 90s animated series, she and Caroline watched some Rogue-centric episodes and some Jean-centric ones: the pilot, “Power Surge,” “Walk on the Wild Side,” and “Self Possessed.”
MIRI: Ok, X-Men Evolution!
This show was one of the first pieces of culture that I can remember loving
CAROLINE: So as a youth I was SUPER against it on principle
Because I loved TAS so much
MIRI: Because it was SO different from what you knew and loved?
CAROLINE: So I never even gave it a chance
MIRI: Makes total sense to me
I appreciate you doing so now
What did you think?
CAROLINE: BUT I watched some maybe two years ago with a friend and was surprised by how much I enjoyed them!
MIRI: Yay!
CAROLINE: And I felt that way again watching these
MIRI: It’s just so charming, right?
CAROLINE: It's a very different take but one I can definitely enjoy
Oh for sure. Super charming
And I love anything that centers on a Jean/Scott love story
MIRI: I will say they are all shockingly bad at being subtle about their mutant powers. Like, the secret would be out in no time
Yes, they do the love triangle very interestingly, because it’s doubled with the whole football boyfriend thing
(Duncan?)
Yes, Duncan. AKA Jean’s terrible football boyfriend
CAROLINE: So this my main problem with the show I think: I either want ALL the X-Men to be mutant teens secretly figuring out their lives at a normal high school. Or I want the show to be set entirely at Xavier's school where everyone is a mutant
Doing both locations is just confusing to me and feels illogical within the world
MIRI: Huh. I feel like it works the way Buffy works. But I’m very biased, obviously
CAROLINE: It feels like having Xavier in their lives is too much of a safety net
Or the high school stuff is at odds with the training stuff somehow
MIRI: I see it more along the lines of Kim Possible having her life and her missions, and the tension of both against each other make each side more complex
But I will admit that the stakes are fairly uneven
CAROLINE: I guess I'm just used to the idea of the X-Mansion being a school
MIRI: And it’s unclear the extent to which they are being trained and for what purpose.
CAROLINE: So it's weird to me that they have two schools
MIRI: That makes sense
CAROLINE: And they live at one of those schools but learn at the other
MIRI: I think they may have tried to straddle the line between training these kids to be superheroes and training them to control their abilities for their own good/the safety of others
And kind of gone back and forth as the plot demanded, which isn’t great
CAROLINE: I was super into the high school stuff though
Which is why I wanted more of it
MIRI: Yeah, I think that is what works better
CAROLINE: Also Storm 100% should've been a teen too
I was a little mad about that
MIRI: Huh, so just Xavier, Wolverine, and Beast as the adults? That would have been entertaining
CAROLINE: Or... no adults
JUST TEENS
MIRI: Ooh, just all of them in high school?
I’m into that
CAROLINE: And no Wolverine, that voice actor was terrible
MIRI: What are you talking about, bub?
CAROLINE: Ha!
K: I do prefer this costume to his classic one, though
Even Wolverine as a teen would've been fine
I mean I realize that is entirely against the canon as he's ageless
But they could've made it work
Angsty teen Wolverine
MIRI: Eh, there’s plenty that’s against canon or just outside of it
Ok, I need to take a moment to just gush about how much I love angsty goth teen Rogue
Because it is A LOT
CAROLINE: Go for it!
MIRI: She has so many feelings and she wants to be loved so badly! And she makes the ridiculous outfits work shockingly well!
Basically, she was one of my first crushes and I had NO idea that was true until like 4 years ago
M: Bisexuality in a heteronormative world is an adventure, kids.
CAROLINE: I feel like the movies and these two series give us three VERY different takes on Rogue
Yet they all work really well on their own ways
MIRI: And the voice actress is amazing.
Yes! I’d say this one is a little closer to the film one, but still pretty different
CAROLINE: Yeah she's great! I great cartoon crush all around
MIRI: Hahahah thanks
Honestly, I thought the Scott/Jean/Rogue love triangle moments at the end of the “Power Surge” episode were the most compelling storytelling EVER as a kid. Especially when Jean talks through Rogue at the end
CAROLINE: Oh yeah that was heartbreaking
MIRI: I think the way people changed from x-men to Brotherhood in this show is really interesting
CAROLINE: And Rogue's powers being a metaphor for unrequited high school love is perfect
Oh yeah that one dude was super hot
Speaking of cartoon crushes
MIRI: Which one?
CAROLINE: Quake maybe?
In my head he was Gambit, which he definitely wasn't
MIRI: Ohhhhh Lance? The one Kitty seems to be dating in the second episode?
CAROLINE: Yes! I was super into him
MIRI: Not my type of unwashed 90s boy, but I respect your opinion
I like that they can be dating or friends or whatever, which on “Enemy” teams
CAROLINE: It's a fun idea
MIRI: And Tabitha can change sides, but then also be a in a girl gang with Jean, Kitty, Rogue, and Amara
CAROLINE: And another reason I feel like the show would've been better if it were an all high school series
MIRI: You may be converting me here
CAROLINE: Aahaha
I did really enjoy Kitty as well!
She wasn't a big part of TAS or really the movies either
K: In the comics, she’s actually introduced in the Dark Phoenix arc
MIRI: The fake Valley Girl thing bothered me at first, but you get used to it super fast and I like the character a lot
CAROLINE: And this series encapsulates her nicely
MIRI: No, she was super secondary in the movies
Which is a shame because Ellen Page
CAROLINE: I love how diverse the X-Men are in terms of personality types
That's a fun conceit of the show
These people probably wouldn't have been high school friends if they weren't linked by their powers
MIRI: And on that score, the conceit of them all living in the Institute is nice
CAROLINE: And now they all have to figure out how to get along
That's true
MIRI: Because they’re pseudo siblings in a way they wouldn’t be without living together
CAROLINE: But also they're all dating each other?
MIRI: ….yes
CAROLINE: This is where things get weird
MIRI: Also yes
CAROLINE: And the amount of supervision they have is confusing to me
It's either a ton or none
MIRI: Mostly none
CAROLINE: The show probably just didn't want to deal with parents, which I get
But I don't think this Xavier is a great caretaker of teens
MIRI: I like the terrible attempts at lamp-shading like when the kids say “I can’t believe Duncan’s parents let him have parties”
Yeah, this Xavier is more of a Fun Uncle than a parent
CAROLINE: A recipe for disaster
Anyway the interpersonal dynamics between the teens were all great
Especially Scott and Jean, as I mentioned before
This Scott voice actor is SO much better than TAS guy
MIRI: Yeah, they really are fun. I totally forgot that it takes them so long to get together
In part because they’re clearly endgame from the beginning
CAROLINE: "Boring couples who take a long time to get together" is my favorite thing in the world
MIRI: And in part because my heart always lay with Rogue and I had a lot of sympathy for her doomed crush, since Scott clearly loved Jean
Hahahahaha
Also, they both have amazing hair
CAROLINE: SO amazing
Although I feel like this version of Jean is a little off somehow?
MIRI: Scott’s little floppy front bits are the most of the era thing
How so?
CAROLINE: From her comic book characterization I mean
I'm not sure I would immediately see her as a popular star athlete
Her empathy is spot on
MIRI: Yeah, I think they felt like that was a high school archetype they had to use or something
CAROLINE: But in my mind she would be a student council leader or something
Well-liked but maybe not "popular" in the conventional sense
MIRI: The perfect student who is perfect at everything and feels so much pressure from it feels like a story that was on every other show at the time
CAROLINE: True
MIRI: It is interesting to see an x-men (x-man?) who is popular
CAROLINE: But that is basically what I imagine for her
True!
MIRI: since they are fundamentally outsiders in so many ways
I wonder if a non-mutant friend/frenemy who inhabited that spot would have worked better
CAROLINE: There’s an interesting subtext in X-Men about mutants that can "pass" as human.
Especially with Kurt as a kind of POV character in the premiere
MIRI: VERY!
CAROLINE: Who obviously has such a bigger hurdle than Jean when it comes to joining normal society
MIRI: They did interesting (and unfortunately on the nose) things with that concept re: Beast and Mystique in First Class
And here it’s less explicitly addressed but I feel like I’m ok with that
CAROLINE: Agreed. And TAS doesn't necessarily delve into much at all
TAS kind of focuses on the big social metaphors
Whereas Evolution is about the personal side of being a mutant
MIRI: The opening Toad stuff delves into this a bit too--those guys made a lot of toad puns/insults for people who didn’t know he was a mutant
CAROLINE: And both are super compelling parts of the X-Men franchise!
MIRI: And I think the contrast of that kind of thing versus the loving “fuzzy elf” comments to Kurt from the other Xmen is interesting
Yeah, there’s a lot of different ways to use the “mutants as other” thing well
CAROLINE: I will say, while Evolutions is incredibly watchable, the episodes we watched could also feel a little shallow?
TAS crams WAY more story into 20 minutes than Evolutions seem to
MIRI: Yeah, I will not argue with that
CAROLINE: Even if it does so in a pretty stilted way
MIRI: I think this is a very clear shift to the idea that kids shows should be about kids and Kid Things
CAROLINE: Agreed
Kind of talking down to the audience at times.
MIRI: They do more than that sometimes, and there are episodes that deal with more serialized plot elements that we didn’t watch
But for the most part they are simple stories with not a whole ton going on
CAROLINE: But with solid nuance in the subtext!
MIRI: true!
CAROLINE: Just not maybe in the actual storytelling
MIRI: exactly
I think it was very much designed to be watched as a Saturday morning cartoon, in a block with like 5 other shows
CAROLINE: But I could still totally see myself watching more when I'm bored someday
They are fun and sweet and require very little from you
MIRI: I might be wrong about that, but that’s how I remember it
CAROLINE: Whereas TAS tends to feel drawn out
In a way that's both good and bad
MIRI: Yeah, it’s very easy to just let Evolutions play on autoplay
I did really love the concept of one of these episodes though, and it will probably surprise no one which it was
CAROLINE: Ha! The Rogue one?
MIRI: Actually not! I like the character moments in that a lot, but as a discrete episode concept “Walk on the Wild Side” may be one of my favorite things that has ever happened
CAROLINE: Oh yeah that one was abused and delightful
MIRI: I mean it’s kind of terrible and every genre show ever has done version of it
CAROLINE: *absurd
MIRI: but is adored it
*I
CAROLINE: It's very fun!
MIRI: A musical roller blading superhero girl gang getting dressed and bonding sequence is basically what’s lacking from all current superhero media.
(That and enough female characters of consequence to actually have a girl gang. SHADE INTENDED)
CAROLINE: And a random music video sequence!
Please see the amazing music video sequence at the end of this post!
Who doesn't want one of those?
MIRI: No one I want to know
CAROLINE: I also really loved the Rogue/Jean dynamic that seems to exist throughout the series
Kind of like the Cyclops/Wolverine one in TAS
MIRI: Yes! There’s always a tension, but also a love and kind of understanding
Like, we’re both in versions of the same situation and we can hate each other or understand each other
CAROLINE: They maybe don't always get along and are sometimes rivals but there's mutual respect and admiration there
MIRI: I really like that
CAROLINE: Not making the two "rival" female characters hate each other feels pretty progressive for the early 2000s
Or for now
MIRI: Sadly true
The gender stuff is handled super clumsily and I’m pretty sure Tabitha is a full 7 years older than Amara, but I just love the girl gang dynamic they get to SO MUCH
CAROLINE: Ha! I was really not into Tabitha
But I did love Amara
MIRI: She’s annoying, but I love that she can be well intentioned and also bad at it
I mean, she’s an asshole. Honestly, stop blowing people up in the shower and shaving people’s heads
CAROLINE: Yeah she was way too much for me
MIRI: But her destroying the car and thinking that was helpful seems very true to form to me
CAROLINE: Jean's feminist rage was amazing
MIRI: Defintiely
(I cannot type that word correctly today!)
I also really loved Scott falling out of his chair
CAROLINE: And as much as I don't fully buy into Jean's characterization I do like her as an entry into the "popular girl who isn't a bitch" genre
MIRI: A rare and compelling genre!
CAROLINE: See also: Liz in Spider-Man Homecoming
MIRI: LOVED her
CAROLINE: That blonde girl in Princess and the Frog
MIRI: Also a fave
CAROLINE: It's an underserved genre
And, again, an asset of having a big ensemble cast
Lots of POVs to sympathize with
MIRI: They did a good job of letting the focus shift in different episodes
CAROLINE: And some really solid high school metaphors! The idea of being along onstage and being able to read everyone's critiques of you is legit terrifying
MIRI: There’s a pretty reliable core of Jean/Scott/Rogue, but there are definitely episodes that focus on Kitty and Kurt, or Spyke or whoever
CAROLINE: *mentally read
MIRI: This episode and the Buffy telepathy episode combined to convince me that telepathy would be a horrifying super power
CAROLINE: I remember liking Spyke a lot, although he wasn't in any of the episodes we watched for this
MIRI: I know! I’m sorry about that
CAROLINE: Although I still maintain they just should've made Storm a teen rather than giving her a nephew
MIRI: I did get to be reminded of the fact that he SKATEBOARDS INTO BATTLE though
hahahahaha noted
CAROLINE: Keep Spyke, just make her Storm's cousin or something
*him
MIRI: I like how adamant you are on this point
CAROLINE: I feel VERY strongly about it
MIRI: Does Storm being one of the adults in the (earlier) movies bother you?
CAROLINE: No because it felt like we were supposed to be equally invested in the adults and the kids there
Although Storm was definitely underutilized, which sucks
But this is CLEARLY a teen show first and foremost
MIRI: Ahhh, it’s the sidelining that bugs you. That’s a good point
Yeah, I’m with you there
CAROLINE: Although going back to costumes, Storm's costume here is pretty cool!
MIRI: The adults don’t have plots, with the sort of exception of Mystique
CAROLINE: Not as iconic as in TAS but a sleek update
MIRI: Yes! Basically Storm is always amazing looking
CAROLINE: I was pretty happy with all the designs
Kitty's collar was adorable
Jean's costume is MUCH more flattering than in TAS
MIRI: I have serious questions about Mystique’s little skull details around her waist
Yeah, Jean upgraded
Rogue’s goth outfits are obviously amazing
CAROLINE: I have serious questions about Mystique in this series
MIRI: YES, please ask them
I do too
How long did Mystique raise Rogue? Like, did she take 5-10 years off of being Magneto’s henchwoman? Was she a stay at home mom? did she have a day job?
CAROLINE: I guess mainly just: Does she need to be here?
Ahahah
Different lines of questioning
But those too!
MIRI: Let’s do yours first, because there’s no way to answer mine
CAROLINE: She just felt out of place to me
Not sure if it's a performance thing or what
MIRI: I like her as a betrayer for Rogue, and the danger being right there in the school in a way they couldn’t fight
I feel like it may have worked better if we’d watched the whole arc, but I may just be being generous in my recollections
CAROLINE: No that's super fair
I think she was just WAY too much of a cackling villain in the premiere
And I kind of tuned out
MIRI: The moments where she talked to shadow monster Magneto (which, what even??) did feel really out of place to me
CAROLINE: Again, I kind of just want it to be a low stakes (but high for the characters) high school show
MIRI: I wonder if it was a case of the writers wanting to do the big plotty arcs like Apocalypse but not knowing how to marry them with the high school problem of the week thing
CAROLINE: Without the mythology stuff
Yeah there's clashing creative impulses there for sure
MIRI: Yeah, I think you’re right
Honestly, I didn’t remember anything about magneto or Apocalypse in this series
Not a bit
But I could have described the scene where Jean is floating in the air surrounded by stuff and they all try to help her in perfect detail
CAROLINE: Totally
MIRI: They definitely did a much better job with the teen stuff, you’re right
CAROLINE: Secretly I don't care about plot at all
I just want character moments
That's how I feel about TAS too
I don't remember storylines but I remember Storm's claustrophobia.
MIRI: I didn’t know she was claustrophobic
That’s so relatable
I love it
CAROLINE: Yes! It's SUCH a great character detail
She's an all-powerful goddess
But also has a completely relatable fear
I think there's an episode where a building collapses and she's trapped in rubble
MIRI: Also it makes total sense because her powers would not help at all
CAROLINE: I remember finding that SO compelling as a kid
MIRI: Ahhhhh that is a nightmare to me
(I actually am claustrophobic)
CAROLINE: I always relate to characters way more through their weaknesses than their strengths
YOU ARE STORM
MIRI: I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO FLATTERED
M: Look at Storm, living her best life, raising some plants, being an inspiration
K: One of the great sorrows of the movie rights separation of the X-Men from the MCU is that we may never see Storm as the Black Panther’s One Who Got Away (or, well, The One His Marriage to Whom He Annulled Because an X-Man Flooded the Capital of Wakanda While Possessed by a Fragment of the Phoenix Force)
M: I have a lot of questions
Actually that’s a lie: I was once told that I looked like the female leader of an otherwise male motor cycle gang
CAROLINE: Ha!
MIRI: And while it’s utterly untrue and ridiculous, I hold that compliment close to my heart to this day
CAROLINE: As you should!
MIRI: I look like a preschool teacher more than anything else, but I want to look like a motor cycle gang leader
At least the tv version of one
CAROLINE: You can be both
MIRI: Thank you ❤️
CAROLINE: Preschoolers are just a mini motorcycle gang
MIRI: that is SO true
Ok, one more episode that I do want to talk about specifically--the Rogue one, aka “Self Possessed”
I like that this storyline totally follows the same early beats as “Power Surge” and they have zero shame about it. They even show flashes of scenes from “Power Surge” in the cold open
CAROLINE: And I enjoyed both episodes!
MIRI: Same!
I’m also really impressed on an animation front--all of these transformations must have been a job and a half
CAROLINE: The Evolutions animation style is just so much more pleasing to watch
MIRI: Yeah, I’m way more into this one visual
CAROLINE: Even as I can appreciate the detail of TAA
MIRI: *visually
CAROLINE: *TAS
I do think "Self Possessed" gets a little style over substance at the end though
As I think Evolutions often does
MIRI: Yeah, it’s that light on story, heavy on Coolness thing again
CAROLINE: Yeah they could've crammed a lot more story in there I think
As TAS makes clear, even separate from the multi-episode structure
MIRI: The amount of story they did have definitely could have happened in 12 minutes or so
Made super clear by the way they reused clips--we only watched 3 other episodes, and we’d already seen several chunks of this episode
Also, I really can’t tell if Sabertooth has plot lines or if he just shows up to cause some indiscriminate violence whenever they need it
CAROLINE: I feel like that's what Sabertooth is best at
MIRI: I know that’s not super relevant in this episode, but it reminded me of it
That’s fair
Also, he seems to be Wolverine’s dad in this iteration??
CAROLINE: I love how drastically storylines can change between iterations
MIRI: Or maybe it was brother, which is what I think they are in other versions. I don’t know.
K: Just in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which was so bad that the Days of Future Past movie retconned most of it out of existence.
M: I may have read the graphic novelization prequel to the Wolverine origins movie.
Yeah, same toys in drastically different sandboxes
Oh, on that score--Can Mystique transform into animals in other iterations?
CAROLINE: Ooh good question!
I'm not sure
K: Not originally, but I haven’t gone through all the alternate reality versions
MIRI: It was very cool but also kind of felt like cheating to me
CAROLINE: She changes into a statue in the first live action movie
So there's that
MIRI: Ohhh, the mini state of liberty? Am I remembering that right?
CAROLINE: Yes!
MIRI: Hmmmmmm, but did she actually change to statue, or just to be a woman who looks like a statue?
Either way it’s very cool
CAROLINE: Very
Okay so I think my thesis here is that TAS and Evolutions are different in intention and flawed in different ways, but they're both GREAT with characters in their own ways.
MIRI: Agreed!
For all “Self Possessed” is story light, I do like the question of identity Rogue is always wrestling with in the face of multiple people in her head
That’s very high school/human
CAROLINE: For sure! And they do cool stuff with that in the movies as well
Kind of
MIRI: Yeah, especially the first one. Then they move more into how do I be myself when I’m so limited in how I can touch people and express myself to the world
Which is also cool and important
CAROLINE: God, X-Men are just the best
I love sci-fi as metaphor
Or superheroes as metaphor
MIRI: Me too
Honestly, one of my least favorite things about the MCU and now the DCEU is that superheroes are so Adult now
Because the exploration of it all as metaphor for teenage things is so right to me
But obviously that’s not all they can/should be used for!
Look at the government business in the beginning of the first Xmen movie
CAROLINE: X-Men as a franchise is truly always relevant
In so many ways
MIRI: That’s such solid use of sci fi as 1:1 metaphor for real life. And it’s done SO well
I really just love the Xmen franchise a lot
CAROLINE: I must say, there's one area in which TAS is CLEARLY superior to every other X-Men iteration
And that's the THEME SONG
MIRI: hahahahahahhaha
CAROLINE: Maybe the best superhero theme song ever
vimeo
K: So good that this fan-made alternate title sequence for X-Men: First Class riffs on it in a cool-yet-unsettling way. (But my favorite superhero theme is probably Shirley Walker’s Danny Elfman-based Batman theme for the 90s-early 2000s DC cartoons.)
MIRI: BUT you must admit that the individual stylings of the names in the Evolution credits are delightful
CAROLINE: Sure sure. But it has nothing on that music
MIRI: Also the fact that the “credits” have their mutant names, not character names or actors’
CAROLINE: Which I was truly jamming out to while watching these eps
MIRI: Yes, the TAS music is better
CAROLINE: I had the same thought!
About the names
It's adorable
MIRI: Yes!
CAROLINE: And genuinely helpful for new viewers
MIRI: I am utterly mindblown that the two shows were so close together chronologically, because they’re so stylistically different
On every front
CAROLINE: The 90s to early 2000s was a surprisingly big shift
MIRI: TAS ran from 92-97, and Exolution was 2000-2003
(I saw that typo and left it in because I love it)
CAROLINE: And I think both series are REALLY tethered to the eras in which they were released
MIRI: Yeah, they 97 to 2000 jump sounds short, but it looks like TAS stayed very true to itself, so it’s really a difference between a show started in 92 and one started in 2000, which is much more different
CAROLINE: Agreed
MIRI: Honestly I thought TAS was 80s at first
CAROLINE: It very much feels like that
Again because I think it was so influenced by the comics
MIRI: Whereas Evolution is so self consciously “current”
CAROLINE: And pulls almost entirely from that aesthetic
MIRI: Like, Scott has his stupid sunglasses
Which are so early 2000s and so clearly too flimsy for their intended purpose
CAROLINE: Ha! Totally
Okay: Have we reach any grand X-conclusions here?
MIRI: We seem to mostly think that all X-iterations are good X-iterations
Which may not be earth shattering, but I think is a good thing to explore
They’re trying to do very different things and mostly succeeding
CAROLINE: And that X-Men are a flexible enough idea to handle many different concepts
MIRI: Also, media creators should trust their audiences more than they usually do
CAROLINE: Which I suppose is why they were invented in the first place!
MIRI: Which is true both in TAS and Evolutions, but in different ways!
True!
Basically, it’s a great franchise and should be in everyone’s top 3 at the very least
CAROLINE: There's something for everyone in X-Men!
K: I have a special fondness for Colossus, whom I always played in the old arcade game, and who is the best part of Deadpool. Something something afraid of vulnerability something...
MIRI: What surprised you the most upon rewatch of each?
CAROLINE: Probably the depth of the character drama in both actually
MIRI: Yeah, I would have to agree there. That and how much I loved TAS Rogue. All Rogues are good Rogues, apparently
CAROLINE: #RogueForever
#BlastedSalami
MIRI: Oh, I meant to ask you--why is Jean Grey your favorite character?
CAROLINE: I really love female characters who are super powerful but also afraid and uncertain about their powers
Going back to the "flaws are relatable" thing
And I love that she's fundamentally good
Which I think some people dismiss as "boring"
But which I really love in superheroes
MIRI: That makes total sense and I think I have not given Jean Grey her due in the past
CAROLINE: She's a very easy character to overlook I think
MIRI: I’ve never been anti Jean, just never thought about her that much
Exactly
Well then I’m glad we got some good Jean focus in here!
CAROLINE: Also I feel like the male X-Men always get the most focus
MIRI: Ughhhhhhh so true
CAROLINE: So I'm glad we took a different approach
Rogue and Jean forever!
MIRI: Rogue and Jean forever!!!
CAROLINE: Separately or together
Thanks so much to Caroline for joining us! Remember to follow her on Twitter, and if you feel like it, us too.
X-Men: Evolution is streaming on Hulu.
Of course, we couldn’t leave you without the very early-aughts opening titles:
youtube
Plus, the entirety of Bayville Sirens musical superhero suit-up sequence. Please watch it, because life is hard and you deserve good things:
youtube
#X-Men#X-Men Evolution#Rogue#Jean Grey#superheroes#TV#reaction#Miri#guest reactors#Caroline#X-Men animated series#Caroline Siede#Kris after the fact#XMen
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Writing Prompt: You’d never believe me
So I got the writing prompt “You’d never believe me,” from @somethingmoreclever (thanks btw and hope you like it) and this story came out of it but I’ve been kind of chicken to post it. So, here it is. And if you have a *cough* helpful *cough* or *cough* constructive *cough cough* critique or want to say something positive, then please go ahead. Also, anyone who has sent me a prompt, I’m working on it and thanks :)
________________________________________________________________
I'm passed out on my bed, sleeping on top of papers, books, and pens when I feel something large and soft slap me in the face. A pillow. My roommate, more dreaming than awake, mutters, "Eggs."
I whine, "Why me?"
"Because my paper's due at 12 P.M. and you're free today."
Figures. As I push myself out of bed, crumpling color-coded notes and over-priced textbooks in the process, I grumble, "Never telling you my schedule again."
I grab my wallet, walk out the door and down eight flights of stairs, past the front desk to the bus stop. The driver today is Lena. All smiles, she asks, "Trouble getting up, Sunshine?"
"Huh? How'd you guess?"
"First of all, you don't usually take the bus on Fridays and second…well, you didn't look at yourself this morning, did ya?"
She hands me her compact and points to the chair behind hers. It's only then I realize why I got so many funny looks at the stop. My hair is in knots and tangles and there's a white strip of dried drool running down the corner of my mouth. Plus, I was still wearing my Pikachu onesie and matching slippers. You know, the ones that go "Pika, pika," if you stomp your feet. After handing back the mirror, I check my breath. Crap, forgot to brush my teeth. It was a mistake to eat everything-on-it pizza with extra garlic sauce last night. Pulling the hoodie up, I slouch and cross my arms.
Finally, my stop. I race out of the bus, jumping through the sliding doors and over wet floor signs until I'm at the back of the grocery store. "Ha," I groggily laugh, "Eggs in the Dairy Section."
There's cheese, butter, margarine. But no eggs. Not even those expensive free-range ones.
A stock clerk is shelving out butter where the eggs should be. "Um, excuse me -" He turns and smirks. "Dude, Comic Con was last week."
"Haha, you're hilarious."
"Ooh, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Whatcha do, get stuffed in a Pokeball?"
"Look, you wanna help or should I call the manager? I need eggs, man, so I can hibernate till Monday."
"We don't have any."
"Really? A grocery store that doesn't have one carton of eggs at 9 A.M.? Not even in the back?"
"Nope."
"I'm just gonna check with the manager -"
"No!" He yells abruptly. "I mean, did you say eggs? I thought you said pegs -"
"Because it makes perfect sense that I ask for pegs while standing in the Dairy Section -"
"Come with me." We walk to the "Employees Only" door.
"Um, I'm not supposed go in there."
"I'll let them know you're with me." I want to go back to bed as soon as possible so I go in.
We went in. It was pitch black. "Hey, where's the - ?"
Next thing you know, I'm pushed into a giant cell and fall on something soft. Someone turns on a light switch. It looks like most of the employees are here.
"Hey, how'd you get into this?" Sam, who's usually at the cash register, asks. From the coffee in his hand, I could tell that he must have got caught up in this when he came here for his break.
"Eggs."
I look down and realize that the soft something was actually a very annoyed someone. Nina, to be exact. We're both in Linear Algebra.
"Do you mind getting off of me?"
"Oops, sorry."
After we get up, she asks, "You've been coming here for two years and it didn't occur to you once that he's new?"
By 'he', she means the jerk who brought me here. He looks the same, mostly. I mean he's still wearing the uniform and that sarcastic smile.
But his skin is now purple and his eyes are blood-red.
"Huh, that's new. Am I on one of those hidden camera shows?" My fellow prisoners shake their heads. "Back to your question, Nina, am I supposed to memorize everyone's name? By the way, hi Bob, Larry, Leia, John, Sharon, Aaron and Phoebe. Oh, and Phil's in the back? Hi Phil! We're still on for chess next Tuesday, right?"
"Yup. Nice onesie by the way!"
Nina raises her eyebrows. "Okay, fine, I know everyone's names. Sue me. But how was I supposed to know you guys didn't hire someone new?"
I turn back to our captor. "Hey, Purple-Face - nope, that would be rude. Do you have a name? I mean, I was kinda crabby earlier and I'm really trying to -"
"For Pete's sake, he locked us in a cell!"
"I am Autoraun 319, an android from the planet you Earthlings call '55 Cancri e'. My model is the most advanced of its kind. I can change appearance, am virtually indestructible, can display over 4250 different emotions, and can process information at lightning speed, allowing me to assimilate with the surrounding population. I also can fly and have an arsenal of weaponry at my disposal. Since I am so powerful, only one of me was need for my important mission."
"And that is?"
"Collecting a rare but powerful nutrition source for the people of my planet -"
"Human brains?!?" Sam panics, dropping some of his coffee on my slippers.
Autoraun rolls his - its - eyes. "Human brains are neither rare nor nutritious. I'm talking about chicken eggs."
We all burst out laughing.
"I'm telling ya, this has gotta be a hidden camera show!"
"I've never heard of anything stupider in my life!"
"What's next? You'll want to steal our milk and cookies too?"
After a minute or so, when the android's glowering intensifies, we realize that he may have laser eyes and stop immediately.
"So," I start, "Why not just take chickens? That way you'll have a constant source of this source."
"You mean those tiny feathered monsters? Are you out of your mind? When they had been plentiful, they destroyed wiring, tore up the ground, and dodged laser blasters at breakneck speed. Plus, they defy all semblance of logic so we disintegrate them. Unfortunately, in our zeal, we forgot to keep a few for egg production."
Nina is furious. "Are you telling me I'm stuck in a crate instead of working my minimum wage job because your idiot overlords can't handle a couple of chickens?!?"
The android nods.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to collect all of these eggs. And when I get back, I'll - "
"Eliminate us?!?" Sam and his paranoia.
"No. We're civilized. I'll just wipe your brains. There's a fifty percent chance that you'll lose your minds in the process but surely your doctors have the facilities to bring it back to order."
"Ha!" Nina shoots back, "Not with our healthcare. And you said you did your research."
The android leaves.
"Okay," I start, "So what kind of cage are we in?"
"Steel, with an electronic lock." Sharon observes, "Not a very good one too, since the back of the control panel is easy to reach from my side. These aliens really underestimate us." I squeeze by Leia, Larry, and Aaron to see that back's screwed in. "If only we had a - " As I reach into my pockets, I feel a bunch of miscellaneous objects. I pull out some soft caramels, half of a chocolate bar, an assortment of screws, and a Phillip's head screwdriver. "Perfect!"
Everyone turns to me. "I'm an ME, remember? And onesies are great for late night projects…and I get hungry."
Unscrewing the back reveals intricate wiring. "So, what now, ME?" Sam asks, sipping his cold coffee.
"Uh, I don't know. An EE would be better for this but honestly, I don't even think they would have a clue. Different planet, different wiring systems and designs - but similar problems! Can I have your coffee?" Sam hands it over to me. "Stand back! If this works, there'll be sparks everywhere. If it doesn't work, the aliens have perfected waterproofing electrical components, so good on them."
"If they're still afraid of bringing in chickens because of how much damage they've caused than I doubt that they've made any huge advancements."
"Okay, here goes!" And I quickly throw the coffee onto the circuit board and try to get as far as possible.
Good news, it worked! We hear a click and race out of there.
Bad news, the cage isn't that big. As we all run out, I realize that my onesie, part of my hair, and slippers are on fire! As I stop, drop, and roll on the hard concrete ground, Nina gets the fire extinguisher and sprays me.
"Thanks," I say as Nina and Sam help me up. "Now, let's get that android."
___________________________________________________________________________________
We know why Autoraun left George - the manager - alone. It wants to know the different times of the eggs were coming in and could masquerade like all of us. No one would be the wiser. We sneak around, looking for the android (and creeping out shoppers in the process) when we spot Autoraun. It looks like the jerk in the dairy isle and was at the cashier with a customer. As soon as she leaves, George takes it aside.
(Side note: Do I call Autoraun "him" or "it"? I mean, I know Autoraun's an android who doesn't have a gender as far as I know - that's a complicated talk in the immerging world of Artificial Intelligence - and Autoraun did lock us in a cage but 'it' sounds so rude. I'm going back to 'he'.)
Anyway George takes him aside. "Between the customers fleeing like rats off the Titanic and most of my employees AWOL, it's nice to see a dedicated young individual like yourself. Tell me, son, what's your name?"
"Otto, sir." He replies demurely. Seems like his sass left the motherboard.
"Now Otto, you wanted to see me."
"Yes, sir. I was wondering if you can tell me when the next shipment of eggs was coming in. We're all out."
George's eyebrows go up. "We just had a huge shipment this morning. Is there an omelet cook-off that I didn't here about because I make a mean Western -"
"No sir," Autoraun interrupts. "I guess people are just valuing their nutritional value."
"Huh, must have been something on the news. People these days, with all their crazy fades and doodads. In my day, we just relied on good old exercise and clean living -"
"This is all really fascinating but there are customers to help. When will the next eggs get here?"
"Oh, at 11. But let's go in the back. There have got to be some eggs around."
"I've already checked."
"The back can be a confusing place, especially when you're new. Let's check it out."
Autoraun cracks his knuckles. George enthusiastically does the same. "Oh, it's so nice to meet a fellow knuckle cracker. You know, people used to say it knuckle cracking causes arthritis but my doctor friend says that's not true…"
As George rambles on, I notice tiny sparks at the tips of his fingers. "He'll zap George!" I whisper, "Quick, get him!"
Nina, Bob, and Sam pull George away just as he was about to strike. Simultaneously, Aaron and Leia grab him by the arms and Larry and Sharon grab his legs and push him to the ground. Autoraun is so shocked that his purple skin and red eyes come back. He recovers quickly and throws them off. Not knowing what else to do, I pull out my screwdriver and grab his neck from the back. He tries to shake me off, knocking me against various shelves and counters in the process.
"Th-is mus-ust b-e ho-w a- bul-lrid-ddd-er fe-els!"
"There are more ways than one to get rid of a pest!" The android's exoskeleton starts heating up, burning off more of the polyester from my onesie and the arm wrapped around his neck. I grit my teeth when I notice a small section on the base of his head with one screw keeping it in place.
"He-e-eelp! P-i-in hi-m do-wn!"
"Don't you mean 'it'?"
"Sam, really? Let's get in there! One…two…three…go!" Sam and Nina pin him to the ground long enough for me to unscrew the cover. He throws us all off.
"Quick, it's open! Get water, cola, anything liquid!" Phil directs. All around Autoraun, employees open up various bottles and unleash their wet, mostly artificially colored vengeance. Autoraun sputters and smokes before bursting into flames. Nina is again handy with a fire extinguisher.
We cheer as though we just survived Armeggedon.
"We did it!"
"We defeated an alien - "
"Android! But it's from space so technically an alien android!"
"We saved the world - from a shortage of eggs, maybe, but we still saved the world!"
George cut into our celebration. "COULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?"
Nina explained. After five minutes of silence, George asked, "So what should we do now?"
I answered, "Probably get the government to look into this. But that's your problem, not mine." I check the wall clock, "It's egg-actly 11 A.M. Can I have two dozen?"
George gets a text on his phone and goes to the back. A few minutes later, he brings back a box of those fancy cage-free, Eggland's best stuff. "This is kinda expensive. Have anything cheaper?"
"It's on the house."
"I can't -"
"Come on, you helped save my workers and my eggs. It's literally the least I could do. Is there anything else you want?"
"A pic with the android - crap, I left my phone at home. Could someone take one for me?"
Phil raises his hand. "I'll do it. Chess match still on?"
"Chess match still on."
Before I left, George stops me. "Hey, can you keep this between us? I don't wanna be in more trouble than I already am. Who'd come to a store with killer androids?"
"A lot of college students, actually. But I promise, what happens in the grocery store, stays in the grocery store. Thanks for the eggs!"
I grab the bus back (getting even more stares than I did this morning) and walk up eight flights of stairs. When I open the door, I see my roommate on her bed surfing the web.
"Where were you? I finished my paper an hour ago -"
She looks up, eyes widening. "What the heck happened to you?" At this point, my onesie, slippers and hair are singed and wet and I smell like coffee and burnt flesh.
I hand her the carton of eggs before going to the bathroom to clean my arm.
"Well, what happened?" She asks again.
I grit my teeth and I wash and sanitize the wound. After wrapping it in gauze, I lift my head, pull up my hoodie, and burst out laughing at the sight of my reflection.
"You'd never believe me."
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Deliah has sent you a message:
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let’s shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can’t. I’ll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I’m excited. Here’s the graduate. We’re very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B’s. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That’s me! - Wave to us! We’ll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I’d make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I’m glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I’m not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don’t waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That’s why we don’t need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp… under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of… …9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it’s just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it’ll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as… Honey! - That girl was hot. - She’s my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we’re all cousins. - Right. You’re right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it’s done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you’ll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn’t know that. What’s the difference? You’ll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven’t had one day off in 27 million years. So you’ll just work us to death? We’ll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! “What’s the difference?” How can you say that? One job forever? That’s an insane choice to have to make. I’m relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We’re bees. We’re the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don’t know. But you know what I’m talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I’ve never seen them this close. They know what it’s like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don’t come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You’re monsters! You’re sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don’t know. Their day’s not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That’s more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It’s just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you’re wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren’t they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let’s have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I’d knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn’t it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We’re hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you’re not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We’re going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you’re interested in? - Well, there’s a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It’s a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn’t right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That’s a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son’s not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I’m not trying to be funny. You’re not funny! You’re going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You’re gonna be a stirrer? - No one’s listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I’m gonna get an ant tattoo! Let’s open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I’ll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody “dawg”! I’m so proud. - We’re starting work today! - Today’s the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal… - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them’s yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What’d you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What’s available? Restroom attendant’s open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you’re on. I’m sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey’s always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He’s dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That’s life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should… Barry? Barry! All right, we’ve got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine… What happened to you? Where are you? - I’m going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You’re gonna die! You’re crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone’s feeling brave, there’s a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn’t that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck’s restricted. It’s OK, Lou. We’re gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy’s in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That’s awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let’s move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I’m out! I can’t believe I’m out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It’s got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It’s a little bit of magic. That’s amazing. Why do we do that? That’s pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I’m picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don’t we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You’re reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don’t know, but I’m loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It’s a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama’s little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don’t think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you’re about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There’s a bee in the car! - Do something! - I’m driving! - Hi, bee. - He’s back here! He’s going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don’t move, he won’t sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow… the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan’t fly in rain. Oan’t fly in rain. Oan’t fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don’t need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This… Drapes! That is diabolical. It’s fantastic. It’s got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What’s number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don’t go for that… …kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn’t talk to them. They’re out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they’re flabbergasted, can’t believe what I say. There’s the sun. Maybe that’s a way out. I don’t remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don’t kill him! You know I’m allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I’m just saying all life has value. You don’t know what he’s capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I’m not scared of him. It’s an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It’s a bee law. You’re not supposed to talk to a human. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’ve got to. Oh, I can’t do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can’t. How should I start it? “You like jazz?” No, that’s no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I’m sorry. - You’re talking. - Yes, I know. You’re talking! I’m so sorry. No, it’s OK. It’s fine. I know I’m dreaming. But I don’t recall going to bed. Well, I’m sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you’re a bee! I am. And I’m not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn’t for you… I had to thank you. It’s just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I’m talking with a bee. - Yeah. I’m talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I’m grateful. I’ll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. “Mama, Dada, honey.” You pick it up. - That’s very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn’t laugh, we’d cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway… Oan I… …get you something? - Like what? I don’t know. I mean… I don’t know. Ooffee? I don’t want to put you out. It’s no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It’s just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don’t be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn’t. - Have some. - No, I can’t. - Oome on! I’m trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don’t help. You look great! I don’t know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He’s making the tie in the cab as they’re flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, “Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?” Is that a bee joke? That’s the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don’t know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can’t do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look… There’s my hive right there. See it? You’re in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I’m right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It’s like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I’ll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it’s no trouble. Sorry I couldn’t finish it. If I did, I’d be up the rest of my life. Are you…? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then… I guess I’ll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again… for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but… Anyway… This can’t possibly work. He’s all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can’t believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don’t. - How’d you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I’m glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your “experience.” Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well… - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I’m not attracted to spiders. I know it’s the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can’t get by that face. So who is she? She’s… human. No, no. That’s a bee law. You wouldn’t break a bee law. - Her name’s Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She’s so nice. And she’s a florist! Oh, no! You’re dating a human florist! We’re not dating. You’re flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin’ stripey! And that’s not what they eat. That’s what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It’s bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up… Sit down! …really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We’re us. There’s us and there’s them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There’s no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He’s in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It’s been three days! Why aren’t you working? I’ve got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You’re barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father’s talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I’m talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I’ll catch up. Don’t be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We’re still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn’t respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don’t listen! I’m not listening to this. Sorry, I’ve gotta go. - Where are you going? - I’m meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can’t decide? Bye. I just hope she’s Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that’s every florist’s dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I’ve got one. How come you don’t fly everywhere? It’s exhausting. Why don’t you run everywhere? It’s faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That’s insane! You don’t have that? We have Hivo, but it’s a disease. It’s a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It’s usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It’s a bug. He’s not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic ‘N’ Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You’ve really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I’ll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don’t have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it’s hard to make it! There’s heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It’s organic. - It’s our-ganic! It’s just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don’t know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You’ve taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it’s on sale?! I’m getting to the bottom of this. I’m getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I’ll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You’re busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you’ll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who’s your supplier? I don’t understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You’re too late! It’s ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they’re on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You’re not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I’m going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I’m going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It’s your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I’m Oarl Kasell. But don’t kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they’re getting it. I mean, that honey’s ours. - Bees hang tight. - We’re all jammed in. It’s a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you’re out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don’t want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood’s about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I’d catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it’s pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee’s got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That’s the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. “They make the honey, and we make the money”? Oh, my! What’s going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn’t last too long. Do you know you’re in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That’s a man in women’s clothes! That’s a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There’s hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That’s a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That’s a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He’s been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn’t stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it’s true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That’s a killer. There’s only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive’s only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I’m Bob Bumble. - And I’m Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we’ll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we’re talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, “I’m a kid from the hive. I can’t do this”? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I’m from, we’d never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It’s a common name. Next week… He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots… Next week… Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard ‘em. Bear Week next week! They’re scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She’s 81. Honey, her backhand’s a joke! I’m not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I’m helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we’re really busy working. But it’s our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting… - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you’re three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that’s had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit’s a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I’m done with the humans, they won’t be able to say, “Honey, I’m home,” without paying a royalty! It’s an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It’s pretty big, isn’t it? I can’t believe how many humans don’t work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What’s the matter? - I don’t know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn’t the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you’re representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson… you’re representing all the bees of the world? I’m kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we’re ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man’s divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn’t some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there’s no trickery here. I’m just an ordinary bee. Honey’s pretty important to me. It’s important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we’re the little guys! I’m hoping that, after this is all over, you’ll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he’d dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don’t imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn’t hear you. - No. - No. Because you don’t free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They’re very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How’d you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that’s enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you’ve never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven’t. No, you haven’t. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I’m feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say… Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That’s not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you’re devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that’s ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn’t. But is this what it’s come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don’t have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn’t a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn’t someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You’re all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury’s on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I’m a florist. Right. Well, here’s to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn’t think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but… the battery. I didn’t want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There’s a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you’re quite a tennis player. I’m not much for the game myself. The ball’s a little grabby. That’s where I usually sit. Right… there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn’t really a special skill. You think I don’t see what you’re doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That’s just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I’m going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I’ve just about had it with your little mind games. - What’s that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that’s a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can’t seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I’m wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I’ve got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You’re bluffing. - Am I? Surf’s up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don’t even like honey! I don’t eat it! We need to talk! He’s just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I’ve met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you’re one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night… My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I’m sorry about all that. I know it’s got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn’t overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he’s considered one of the best lawyers… Yeah. Layton, you’ve gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it’s gonna be all over. Don’t worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don’t like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I’ll ask you what I think we’d all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We’re friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute… Are you her little… …bedbug? I’ve seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn’t your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but… - So those aren’t your real parents! - Oh, Barry… - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You’re an illegitimate bee, aren’t you, Benson? He’s denouncing bees! Don’t y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I’m going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don’t! It’s what he wants! Oh, I’m hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can’t treat them like equals! They’re striped savages! Stinging’s the only thing they know! It’s their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can’t feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I… I blew the whole case, didn’t I? It doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re alive. You could have died. I’d be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there’s a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can’t explain it. It was all… All adrenaline and then… and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I’m sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We’re just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don’t know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn’t sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don’t check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don’t smoke. Right. Bees don’t smoke. Bees don’t smoke! But some bees are smoking. That’s it! That’s our case! It is? It’s not over? Get dressed. I’ve gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you’ve done step correctly, you’re ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it’s interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don’t make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about… Your Honor, haven’t these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court’s valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I’m afraid I’m going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery’s motion. But you can’t! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It’s a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn’t hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, “Smoking or non?” Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He’s playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I’m OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won’t have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You’ll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery’s right? - What do you mean? We’ve been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we’ll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We’re all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He’ll have nauseous for a few hours, then he’ll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames… But it’s just a prance-about stage name! …unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan’t breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there’s gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We’ve never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We’re shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn’t believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What’s going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They’re home. They don’t know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn’t? It’s the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now… Now I can’t. I don’t understand why they’re not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They’re doing nothing. It’s amazing. Honey really changes people. You don’t have any idea what’s going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They’re all wilting. Doesn’t look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I’m gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn’t think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It’s notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That’s our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course… The human species? So if there’s no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn’t it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I’ll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry… sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They’ve moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It’s the last chance I’ll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I’m sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can’t do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That’s why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I’ve ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I’ve made it worse. Actually, it’s completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it’s greater than my previous ideas combined. I don’t want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they’ve got back here with what we’ve got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They’ve got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It’s real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I’m the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I’m getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let’s see what this baby’ll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic… …without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there’s no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It’s part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we’re lucky, we’ll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It’s got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we’ll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They’ll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I’d like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I’m in a real situation. - What’d you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don’t freak out! My entire species… What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I’m an attorney! - Who’s an attorney? Don’t move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One’s bald, one’s in a boat, they’re both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one’s flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What’s your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I’m a florist from New York. Where’s the pilot? He’s unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who’s that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It’s got giant wings, huge engines. I can’t fly a plane. - Why not? Isn’t John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We’re headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory… That’s Barry! …is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There’s a bee on that plane. I’m quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They’ve done enough damage. But isn’t he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn’t be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small… Haven’t we heard this a million times? “The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense.” - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We’re going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That’s why I want to get bees back to working together. That’s the bee way! We’re not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn’t so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we’re not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let’s get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I’d do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don’t have to yell. I’m not yelling! We’re in a lot of trouble. It’s very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It’s not a tone. I’m panicking! I can’t do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it’s my turn. How is the plane flying? I don’t know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let’s drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can’t see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It’s all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I’m feeling something. - What? - I don’t know. It’s strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We’re going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That’s it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I’m aiming at the flower! That’s a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This’s the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don’t be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we’re not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We’re the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we’re gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We’re bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You’ve earned this. Yeah! I’m a Pollen Jock! And it’s a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That’s our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now’s the time. I got a feeling we’ll be working late tonight! Here’s your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who’s next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don’t forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it’s all me. And I don’t see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I’m sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I’m late. He’s a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can’t get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You’re a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who’s next? All right, scramble, jocks! It’s time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let’s just stop for a second. Hold it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I’m not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
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